Live Out Loud - Adventures of a mom

 I didn't sleep well last night.   My eyes were stubbornly unwilling to stay closed.   My heart was stubbornly unwilling to stop feeling.   My head was stubbornly unwilling to shut down. Instead, on on and off, all night long, my mind wanders to one word: DREAMS But when I go to my dreams, I find the room EMPTY Why is the room empty? Why can't I remember them? What were my dreams?    Is the pain, fear and disappointment I feel right now proof that dreams have been shattered? But if they are shattered, why can't I see bits and pieces of the dreams on the floor?   What exactly are those broken pieces on the floor? For the life of me, I couldn't name them all night long.  I just felt I was walking on broken glass.  I was still walking and moving, but I was also bleeding internally, hemorrhaging.   But I keep looking.  What exactly is broken?  I don't know. So this morning I went back to my own blogs and se...

Almost 20 days ago, after teaching online during the day, I began to feel a bit of a sore throat, of voice strain.  As a teacher, that is usually my body trying to shout to me and say "Stop Talking So Much" But I have a habit of ignoring my body's signals.  I hydrate a lot regularly and I sleep like a baby.  I tried to speak softly but when I speak like that, it-takes-a-lot-of-energy Yes, I know it might sound strange, but speaking softly takes a lot of energy and my overall energy level drops when I don't speaK! A few days pass, and I begin to drink more hot honey drinks and then that progressed to taking some cough drops while teaching. Hmm.  This happens often (as a teacher) but this time, my mind jumps to "Do I have Covid?" But I brush it aside.  I, alongside my entire family, hardly ever get out; to be honest, we don't even go out for walks as often as we should! But a few days passed and now the chest feels tight sometimes and I feel tired.  Then I...

In today's reading, we read about the Lord's Last Supper, Jesus washing the feet of the disciples, and Him declaring that Judas would betray Him and Peter would deny Him. (Matthew 26:17-35; John 13:1-38) It is a lot to digest. As a teacher, and being that right now I am mentoring a student teacher, my attention gravitates towards Jesus' teaching methods.  He always sets the example.  He always takes the first step.  He doesn't lecture first.  I wonder what the disciples might have thought when he stood up and prepared the towels and basin to wash their feet.  I imagine that there was an "awkward" moment.  Stares being made.  Heads shaking in disbelief. But Jesus doesn't ask.  Jesus doesn't explain.  Jesus just does. And I wondered.  How many of the Twelve really paid attention? How many were observing intently? How many continued eating?  How many saw and went back to the conversations and food?  How many were so appalled at ho...

Hebrews 4:12 "For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."  Did you grow up like me learning the Sinner's Prayer?  Did you attend 'training' sessions to teach Christians "how to lead a friend to Christ"?  Were the steps more about what to DO rather than what to BE? That is how I grew up.  That is what I saw other grown ups do when they invited others to become Christians.  That is what I observed.  The more "spiritual" people would "LEAD" others by telling them things like "let's pray; repeat after me" After people became Christians, I would see people rejoice and there would be an almost "sigh" of relief.   And after that, they would tell them "you have to get baptised now." And if they do, the "project" was complete.  And as some later told...

  After Jesus enters Jerusalem, he pretty much runs out of time on that day (😜) and so he leaves town with the Twelve and returns to the temple the next day.  Many of us have studied the scene where Jesus gets mad and kicks out all the vendors in the Temple. Check and Check Anything new? This scene actually is sandwiched by a situation around a fig tree (Mark 11:12-25; Matthew 21:18-19; John 19:45-48).  I have never really paid much attention to it.  Partly, because it was puzzling, and the other reason perhaps was that talking about Jesus being mad and angry and overthrowing tables seemed so much more dramatic. But this week, I am drawn to that fig tree The first reactions I got as we studied this passage was to wonder why Jesus would curse a poor little tree.  The tree had done nothing wrong!  It was not season yet!  And the tree was healthy (was it?).  As Jesus explains things, and he reminds Peter to forgive, we wondered "does that mean that ...

  This is Easter week and I am spending the week reading through the Easter story with some.  As we read each passage, I realize there is so much beyond the story.  I have heard it all. Having grown up in church, I have seen all the skits, sang all the songs, watch all the movies and read all the passages. But the Word of God is alive and God speaks to us daily.  So here are some of my reflections, as I read and ponder through each one. May it draw you closer to Jesus.  Read on each reflection.  I will be posting every day this week. Reflection 1:  Listen and Do it Reflection 2:  Did I miss the lesson? Reflection 3: Peter, annoyingly engaged Reflection 4:  Why Bother going to Gethsemane? Reflection 5:  Mourning

 Yes, and just like that, 2020 is over and we have flipped the page to a very unpredictable, mind-boggling and challenging year.  Covid-19 was not in our plans but soon after the year began, it took over everything in our lives. People ask me why I still bother writing these yearly 'letters' and why still send out cards to our families and friends.  They are valid questions but my answer is always the same: I gain a lot in pausing and reflecting back.  In order to write this, I go through our pictures, think back to all that we did, and reflect on who we have become.  I don't usually make new year's resolutions, but I suppose I prefer to make end-of-year reflections. I also know relationships take time, conscious effort, and willingness to share.  Everyone yearns to belong and connect, especially during this time of isolation and lockdown; but although we all long for it, it is not automatic; we don't feel belonging and connection just by wishing it. S...

"Sounds to me you are very courageous" - said my therapist. Courageous?  Are you kidding me?  I may be obedient, faithful and a hard worker.  But brave?  No.  You are mistaken. "No, not brave.  Courageous " - answered my therapist. Courage exists despite fear.  The two co-exists.  It  is the ability to   confront something painful or difficult or dangerous despite any   fear.  Bravery  is the ability to confront something painful or difficult or   dangerous without any fear. Me, courageous?  You must be mistaken.  No matter how often people told me I was courageous, I struggled to see that.  What I saw in me instead was a person full of fear.    For the past year or so, I have been working hard.  Yes, hard work.  Deep cleaning.  It has been hard, but also very invigorating, eye-opening and renewing.  I started seeing a therapist thinking I would just get some support and t...