Live Out Loud - Adventures of a mom

I still remember those years in Peru.  My youth group's leaders would take us, often on a bus (an adventure in itself for a middle class Chinese Peruvian like me), to a different part of town, often a part of town that was less familiar to me, to go and 'visit' people. I was young.  Maybe 12?  Maybe 13?   What did I know then? But we would go to visit Mr and Mrs Wong, the shoe store owners.  We would visit Mr Chao, the hardward store owner.  We would visit Mrs Mok, in the local market....and the many Mr or Mrs Lees or Chans, or people I cannot even remember any more But there was one particular visit I remember vividly.  After some inquiring this week, I remember now her name.  Her name was Paulina...and all I could remember was that our group went to visit her.  We were told she had a handicap but I didn't ask for more information.  I remember the entrance to her home being a narrow steel door.  We rang the bell and the door would open.  A long and narrow stair

Everything changes in the blink of an eye.  I had started writing this yesterday with this sentence:  "Things are much better now".  Little did I know that in less than 12 hrs after writing that, the pain in the foot would come back. The second week of this 'foot journey' marked the beginning of an emotional and, as of yesterday, a spiritual fight.  I told myself before the surgery that I would not allow myself to be depressed.  That I would find things to do.  That I would call on people.  That I would distract myself. Now I am in the house.  The kids are at school.  Husband at work.   It's just me, my thoughts, my feet and my God. And I am finding myself surrounded with emotions I cannot express in words .  Yeah, me, Sandy, cannot really express to you what is really going on inside of me. This week has been filled with what I am calling, emotional "moments" I "know" what I need to do but there are "moments" when I

Yesterday marked the end of the first 48 hours and just as I was told I finally felt a little relieve.  I began to feel times when the drugs were actually working and controlling some of the pain. Thank you so much for all your prayers.  I want you to know that your prayers for me and my family are not just simple well 'wishes'.  They don't just comfort me emotionally to know you are thinking of me.  God listens to them, and He responds. I started thinking yesterday about how heavy my cast feels.  In the last 2 days, the cast was a constant reminder of my pain.  The cast, it seemed to me, was the cause of my pain and inability to walk.  The cast reminded me that I could not walk by myself.  That I needed help.  I needed clutches. The cast was ugly.  The cast felt like it was pushing into my feet.  At one point I even questioned if there was something wrong with it because, well, why else do you explain the continuous excruciating pain? And yet, the cast i

I'm well enough to sit up and type this but the last 24 hours have been very trying.  The pain I feared came upon me on Friday morning at 4-5 AM, as the freezing started to wear off.  For the next 24 hours there were times I wondered if I could get through it.  I shed so many tears but I also said out loud, albeit in a weakened voice, that God would get me through this, and that I could do it. Funny what pain does to you when you are in the midst of it.  You become grumpy, mean, and selfish.  You really don't care about anything else but to wish the pain that seem to engulf you and put a pause into your life to go away.  Everything that your caretaker says can become ammunition for your to fire back because you have the right to judge it insensitive. You become someone you don't recognize. And yet the fight within you is that you don't want to be that way.  But there you have it.  That's all I have to give.  All that's left at the moment. And that is

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.  Deuteronomy 31: 6 (NKJV) I have, potentially, a lot of time to blog for the next 6 weeks to 3 months. I just came out of surgery today. As my brain and body wakes up a little, I'm taking the chance to eat a little and to share with you. Ever since I found out that my foot pain was not due to just tiredness but due to a tear and that it may not heal on its own I have been filled slowly with a fear and worry I haven't had for years. The last time I felt this fear and worry was perhaps on my first day of graduate studies.... It's a crippling fear that can cause you to fret.  It is very deep.  It is hard to accept because accepting it, in your mind, defines you.  It says to you you are weak.  It says to you you should trust God.  It says to you it's not the end of the world and wonders and mocks