Live Out Loud - Adventures of a mom

I introduced "Gilmore Girls" to my kids as we continue to run out of things to watch and as Covid 19 continues to run its course in this world. Watch the scene here   In the last episode, Lorelai Gilmore, the protagonist, makes a huge mistake at her father's funeral.  She catches herself drunk, in the middle of a session where people were asked to share their fondest memories of Mr. Gilmore.  Caught off guard, she utters insensitive anecdotes of how absent her father was to her in her early years.  The relationship between Lorelai and Mrs Gilmore had always been strained, and unresolved, but this really triggered what it seemed to be the end.  What follows are attempts to salvage what little was left through therapy and other events, but all in vain.  In the end, Lorelai embards on a journey and though it doesn't turn out to be what she had imagined, she does reach a summit and at that point she calls her mom to tell her which memory she really has of her dad:  on her

 I didn't sleep well last night.   My eyes were stubbornly unwilling to stay closed.   My heart was stubbornly unwilling to stop feeling.   My head was stubbornly unwilling to shut down. Instead, on on and off, all night long, my mind wanders to one word: DREAMS But when I go to my dreams, I find the room EMPTY Why is the room empty? Why can't I remember them? What were my dreams?    Is the pain, fear and disappointment I feel right now proof that dreams have been shattered? But if they are shattered, why can't I see bits and pieces of the dreams on the floor?   What exactly are those broken pieces on the floor? For the life of me, I couldn't name them all night long.  I just felt I was walking on broken glass.  I was still walking and moving, but I was also bleeding internally, hemorrhaging.   But I keep looking.  What exactly is broken?  I don't know. So this morning I went back to my own blogs and searched the word "Dream" a nd re-read some of my dreams

 I woke up as I always do, in my basement suite, in Vancouver, and headed to get ready for another day at work downtown.  It was a nice day; the skies were blue and I was enjoying living in Vancouver and not needing to commute every day from Langley.  As usual, I turned on the TV and started to get breakfast ready.  My go-to show was always the news.  But something was amiss this morning.  There were breaking news in all the channels.  Was it another hit and run? or an earthquake or hurricane? or perhaps a coup in some country? What I saw instead was a picture of grey smoke in a blue sky backdrop.  My mind couldn't quite understand what I was seeing; it took me a while to really comprehend the repercussions of what I was seeing.  The anchors kept saying "the World Trade tower" and "New York City"; I knew these words had something to do with me; but from the TV, everything just felt fake, far, and foreign. Then it hit me...and panic set in.  My heart beated 100 t

I was typing this on my Facebook page but as it got longer, I realized this was more suited for the blog. Many people are struggling - no. They may not be depressed. No. It is not that they need 'help' the way you think of help. They may be burned out I know I am But can you hear yourself? Are you saying to me "maybe you overdid it Sandy?" I know my kids are. I know friends and friends' friends are. But how do you know? If I am still getting my job done, my kids' grades are great, and friends seem to be managing. How can they be burned out? If we give them a break, does that mean they will "NOT" be burned out? I just finished Rene Brown's spotify podcast on Burnout with Emily and Amelia Nagoski.  Here are my reflections.   I highly encourage you to listen to it. Are you feeling tired but you don't really know why because you haven't been 'doing' much? Are you feeling you you don't get much done? Are you feeling like nothi

Almost 20 days ago, after teaching online during the day, I began to feel a bit of a sore throat, of voice strain.  As a teacher, that is usually my body trying to shout to me and say "Stop Talking So Much" But I have a habit of ignoring my body's signals.  I hydrate a lot regularly and I sleep like a baby.  I tried to speak softly but when I speak like that, it-takes-a-lot-of-energy Yes, I know it might sound strange, but speaking softly takes a lot of energy and my overall energy level drops when I don't speaK! A few days pass, and I begin to drink more hot honey drinks and then that progressed to taking some cough drops while teaching. Hmm.  This happens often (as a teacher) but this time, my mind jumps to "Do I have Covid?" But I brush it aside.  I, alongside my entire family, hardly ever get out; to be honest, we don't even go out for walks as often as we should! But a few days passed and now the chest feels tight sometimes and I feel tired.  Then I