Live Out Loud - Adventures of a mom

 I didn't sleep well last night.   My eyes were stubbornly unwilling to stay closed.   My heart was stubbornly unwilling to stop feeling.   My head was stubbornly unwilling to shut down. Instead, on on and off, all night long, my mind wanders to one word: DREAMS But when I go to my dreams, I find the room EMPTY Why is the room empty? Why can't I remember them? What were my dreams?    Is the pain, fear and disappointment I feel right now proof that dreams have been shattered? But if they are shattered, why can't I see bits and pieces of the dreams on the floor?   What exactly are those broken pieces on the floor? For the life of me, I couldn't name them all night long.  I just felt I was walking on broken glass.  I was still walking and moving, but I was also bleeding internally, hemorrhaging.   But I keep looking.  What exactly is broken?  I don't know. So this morning I went back to my own blogs and se...

I was typing this on my Facebook page but as it got longer, I realized this was more suited for the blog. Many people are struggling - no. They may not be depressed. No. It is not that they need 'help' the way you think of help. They may be burned out I know I am But can you hear yourself? Are you saying to me "maybe you overdid it Sandy?" I know my kids are. I know friends and friends' friends are. But how do you know? If I am still getting my job done, my kids' grades are great, and friends seem to be managing. How can they be burned out? If we give them a break, does that mean they will "NOT" be burned out? I just finished Rene Brown's spotify podcast on Burnout with Emily and Amelia Nagoski.  Here are my reflections.   I highly encourage you to listen to it. Are you feeling tired but you don't really know why because you haven't been 'doing' much? Are you feeling you you don't get much done? Are you feeling like nothi...

 I wasn't supposed to write anything today, but my mind keeps on wandering to what happened between the time Jesus dies and the time the women find that He is no longer dead. Today, my mom reminded me also that tomorrow, resurrection Sunday, happens to be the Chinese festival of Tomb sweeping. And today, I see that the covid-19 numbers continue to climb and the ICU's continue to see more and more people. It is easy to miss on all of this, but as I bring these to my consciousness, I actually see a lot of mourning, pain and death. The disciples just got the shock of their lives and I wondered if they are still in shock, a day after Jesus truly is dead.  Joseph of Arimathea truly took Jesus' body down and with Nicodemus, they embalm Jesus and they truly bury him. I have seen death in my life (see previous blog posts on death: Facing Death,   So this is love too , Head on , among others [search: death]) and I wonder if the disciples are still in shock.  Just a day ago th...

  This morning I read what Jesus did with his disciples after their dinner.  We read how things got from bad to worse very quickly; so bad that it will lead Him ultimately to death. It is a journey of betrayal, hurt, loneliness, agony, pain, and separation. And it was GOOD, because that was the entire reason why Jesus came in the first place. But before moving onto all the events that mark the ultimate betrayal, hurt, loneliness and death, what catches my attention was Gethsemane. Dinner started well with the disciples.  They were probably still amazed a stranger let them use his house to prepare for the Passover dinner.  They were having a good time but then Jesus got 'weird' again and started telling them about betrayals that made no sense and departures that sounded so depressing ( "where I am going you cannot go").  And then Jesus starts washing their feet and telling them to love one another and follow His example. Some were probably listening more than oth...

In today's reading, we read about the Lord's Last Supper, Jesus washing the feet of the disciples, and Him declaring that Judas would betray Him and Peter would deny Him. (Matthew 26:17-35; John 13:1-38) It is a lot to digest. As a teacher, and being that right now I am mentoring a student teacher, my attention gravitates towards Jesus' teaching methods.  He always sets the example.  He always takes the first step.  He doesn't lecture first.  I wonder what the disciples might have thought when he stood up and prepared the towels and basin to wash their feet.  I imagine that there was an "awkward" moment.  Stares being made.  Heads shaking in disbelief. But Jesus doesn't ask.  Jesus doesn't explain.  Jesus just does. And I wondered.  How many of the Twelve really paid attention? How many were observing intently? How many continued eating?  How many saw and went back to the conversations and food?  How many were so appalled at ho...

Hebrews 4:12 "For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."  Did you grow up like me learning the Sinner's Prayer?  Did you attend 'training' sessions to teach Christians "how to lead a friend to Christ"?  Were the steps more about what to DO rather than what to BE? That is how I grew up.  That is what I saw other grown ups do when they invited others to become Christians.  That is what I observed.  The more "spiritual" people would "LEAD" others by telling them things like "let's pray; repeat after me" After people became Christians, I would see people rejoice and there would be an almost "sigh" of relief.   And after that, they would tell them "you have to get baptised now." And if they do, the "project" was complete.  And as some later told...

  After Jesus enters Jerusalem, he pretty much runs out of time on that day (😜) and so he leaves town with the Twelve and returns to the temple the next day.  Many of us have studied the scene where Jesus gets mad and kicks out all the vendors in the Temple. Check and Check Anything new? This scene actually is sandwiched by a situation around a fig tree (Mark 11:12-25; Matthew 21:18-19; John 19:45-48).  I have never really paid much attention to it.  Partly, because it was puzzling, and the other reason perhaps was that talking about Jesus being mad and angry and overthrowing tables seemed so much more dramatic. But this week, I am drawn to that fig tree The first reactions I got as we studied this passage was to wonder why Jesus would curse a poor little tree.  The tree had done nothing wrong!  It was not season yet!  And the tree was healthy (was it?).  As Jesus explains things, and he reminds Peter to forgive, we wondered "does that mean that ...