I am enough

"Sounds to me you are very courageous" - said my therapist.

Courageous?  Are you kidding me?  I may be obedient, faithful and a hard worker.  But brave?  No.  You are mistaken.

"No, not brave.  Courageous" - answered my therapist.

Courage exists despite fear.  The two co-exists.  It is the ability to confront something painful or difficult or dangerous despite any fear. Bravery is the ability to confront something painful or difficult or dangerous without any fear.

Me, courageous?  You must be mistaken.  No matter how often people told me I was courageous, I struggled to see that.  What I saw in me instead was a person full of fear.  

For the past year or so, I have been working hard.  Yes, hard work.  Deep cleaning.  It has been hard, but also very invigorating, eye-opening and renewing.  I started seeing a therapist thinking I would just get some support and tools to help me be a better mother and wife.  Instead, God used it as a springboard for more soul-cleansing and renewal.

You see, a year ago,

...what you saw as "responsible" was really a fear of being rejected.  What people saw as "successful" was really a fear of not being good enough.  What you saw as "hard work" and even in a way "care", was often the result of being scared of not doing or being enough.

It was a deep-seeded fear I did not know fully.  It was a fear that was driving my life, my decisions, my thoughts, feelings and actions.

It wasn't until therapy that I had a chance to name what was deep inside; I learned a vocabulary and a way to express what was inside, in a place where I was given the space to wrestle and where I didn't have to have answers right away.  I learned to slow down and just be. Of course, God always knew, but He needed me to stop running to do and be in an attempt to avoid feeling bad.  He needed me to see inside, name what I saw and then ask Him for help.

Every time I shared a feeling to my therapist she would ask me the same question.

Every time I felt guilty over housework, every time someone made comments about my actions or inactions as a mother, daughter or teacher, every time a student shared a 'recommendation,' every time my kids rolled their eyes when I tried to talk to them...

... she would ask me "what are you thinking when you feel that"?

"What do you mean?" - I remember truthfully asking.  "Aren't they the same thing?"

Eventually I would come to learn to dig into my thoughts - buried over the years - and come to realize my feelings were driven by strongly rooted thoughts that did not belong to God.  God wants to "renew my mind" and this was it!

So, what did I truly think of myself?  

I thought I was clumsy, I was a disappointment, I was dumb; in essence, my thoughts always accused me: "you are not good enough."

I realized I listened to the thoughts and reacted madly trying to make up for my losses, and the fear of facing the thoughts again would spur me to prepare for the next time I would fail (because I will always fail).  I lived life ready for the next conflict.

To the world, that meant I was a very organized, prepared and wise person.

In reality, God wanted me to embrace joy and know I was enough.  He wanted me to smell the roses and live fully.  I have been learning over the years, but there was this one thing that I still had not put at the foot of the Cross.

I was very good at being prepared to fix.  Fixing, controlling and predicting were my shields.

But as I parsed through my life I saw fear scattered all over my life, in all aspects: in my relationships, in family, at work and in church.

With that much fear, I failed to see myself as a courageous person.  What I saw was simply a person surviving. 

"But you have a choice" - my therapist continues to guide me. 

It would be several weeks before I could see that I was indeed courageous.  That fear was needed as an ingredient for courage.  But at the time, I couldn't reconcile fear with courage and choice.  To me, I had no choice.  I only saw one answer to all my fears - fixing.  Inaction was not a choice, so I thought.  Inaction felt like failure and failure meant more fear, shame and guilt.  It did not feel like a choice.

To propose I had a choice and that sometimes the choice might look like inaction was frightening.

I am often scared. 

If my son is 5 minutes late coming out from class, I think he might be breaking down, or might have had an accident.

I am always thinking of the worst. 

If I hear my daughter raise her voice in her room, I think she is about to lose her temper over something she cannot handle.

I am always ready for trouble because I am scared to think my life could be all good.  Something must be breaking.  And if that is so, I must be ready to solve the challenge.

I am always "ready" to fix.  But "courageous"? No way.

But "fear"? I know fear.  Despite knowing God is here with me,  I never knew how to get rid of that fear.  And I lived my life trying to outsmart fear.  To feel fear felt like defeat.

 I was scared of fear (is your head turning yet?).

Therapy was the place God set up to help me.  But make no mistake; just going to therapy was not the answer.  The journey to see myself as someone courageous, compassionate and connected began in the office of my therapist, but God worked with me day in and day out parsing through my thoughts, my experiences, my heart and my actions for a whole year.  It was and continues to be hard work.  It is heartbreaking, but it is also heart mending and heart changing.

I could not accept "you are courageous" for a long time.  It just did not feel right.  And as we worked through the issues, I realized something:  fear and shame didn't allow me to embrace courage and compassion (showing it to myself - caring to me).  To say "I am courageous" meant that I was enough; and deep inside, I didn't feel I was ever enough.

I realized I may have tried to do everything right - to do what culture told me I had to do and even dare I say what I thought church told me to do.  But the reason I could not truly feel Joy was a fear of not being good enough.  A fear that despite all my efforts, I was not worthy of being seen and loved.

Does anyone see how hard I am trying?  Does anyone care to know this is hard?  Would I be worth anything if I chose not to fix?  Could I be kind to myself and love myself even if I chose to be vulnerable and embrace even the bad emotions that come in life?  Could I let God embrace me and tell me "You are enough and I love you just as you are"?

Asking the hard questions, deconstructing my feelings and thoughts, seeing God's answers in all of them, wrestling with all, considering my choices, my fears, my courage and my value helped me learn how becoming truly vulnerable was the beginning of a journey of healing and freedom.

As I learned that I had indeed choices; and that it was ok not to fix, or to predict and control the next disaster, I began to feel healing.  When we are so busy being afraid we miss out on life.

And so, as I learn to say "I am courageous" and "I am afraid" at the same time, and I learn to wake up to see my life as beautiful, I come to see that even those dark emotions, those I was running away from, those I was always 'prepared' to fight and those I thought were joy-takers, are actually the beginning ground for true Joy.  

"Emotions have to go somewhere" - my therapist explains to me.  "Where are your emotions going? Where can you take them?"

I have been living life being scared of the next panic, the next cancer call, the next child meltdown, the next spousal fight. Instead, I know now that I can face them, yes, with fear, but courageously.  They cannot change the fact that God sees me and says "just as you are."  Control and Prediction are not joy-givers.  Shunning dark emotions are not joy-givers.

Learning to be vulnerable to self will require a lifelong practice.  Remembering to tell my whole story to myself first will be important.  Vulnerability (not misery) makes me beautiful. 

In the midst of the next child's meltdown, the next friend's betrayal, the next spousal disappointment, the next church crisis or anything else, I can choose to say "I am enough because Christ says so" and I can embrace the chaos because I know the circumstances (or the lack of 'crisis') do not dictate my joy.  

I courageously will face imperfection; I will choose to be kind to myself before I can share kindness to others; I will be honest to myself and let go of what I think I should be and simply look up to who God made me and love it all and follow His guidance to make me into an ever more connected person to Him.  

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-11

  

Yes, I cannot control or predict outcomes, but I can choose how I respond to them.  I choose to live in the ordinary God-given moments.  I choose to show compassion to myself.  God made me and gave me the preparation I need for struggle.  Struggle, and just feeling the struggle, makes me beautiful - makes life beautiful -  I am always, always worthy of love and belonging.  

I can choose not to be the fixer in the family.  I can choose not to run away from the bad feelings.  I can choose to see the ordinary good enough moments God puts in my life. 

The work continues, but reader, remember, God says to us all "You are enough."  Yes, we are imperfect and we live in a dark and broken world, but those things do not affect your worth - God loves you and you are wired to belong to Him.

I still battle with my fears, but God has healed the deepest wounds and continues to heal and fill me with true joy.  There is no other way.  Prevention doesn't work.  Perfection is a facade.  Control doesn't work.  God doesn't want you to live disappointment.  Feel the disappointments in your life with Him and let him replace it.