Do I have Covid?

Almost 20 days ago, after teaching online during the day, I began to feel a bit of a sore throat, of voice strain.  As a teacher, that is usually my body trying to shout to me and say "Stop Talking So Much"

But I have a habit of ignoring my body's signals. 

I hydrate a lot regularly and I sleep like a baby.  I tried to speak softly but when I speak like that, it-takes-a-lot-of-energy

Yes, I know it might sound strange, but speaking softly takes a lot of energy and my overall energy level drops when I don't speaK!

A few days pass, and I begin to drink more hot honey drinks and then that progressed to taking some cough drops while teaching.

Hmm.  This happens often (as a teacher) but this time, my mind jumps to "Do I have Covid?"

But I brush it aside.  I, alongside my entire family, hardly ever get out; to be honest, we don't even go out for walks as often as we should!

But a few days passed and now the chest feels tight sometimes and I feel tired.  Then I start having those short coughs I usually get when I try to talk when my vocal chords are overused.

Nothing so far is new.  I have had these exact symptoms MANY MANY times, but this time, my mind wanders to "Do I have Covid?"

About a week later, the sore throat is better, I rest my vocal chords and cancelled meetings.  But every time I feel a bit more tired, or cough, or the chest feels tight, I wonder, "Do I have Covid?"

Then I start sneezing and then feel a bit of heartburn (acid reflux can cause irritation), but again, I wonder "Do I have Covid?"

And so I wonder, should I get tested?  But I noticed something interesting, the question, "Do I have Covid?" and "Should I get tested?" came loaded (for me) emotionally.  So I wondered WHY

Why would I care so much?  What is causing me the heaviness, worry, burdened feeling?

I went through my list and I realized I was not worried about dying of Covid, or getting very sick.  But instead, I discovered and heard a voice in my head saying, "If you get the test, and it comes Positive, it will mean you failed.  You were not careful enough.  You could have been more careful.  You might have passed it to someone."

The thought that some people might 'care' by saying to me "you should have done xyz" or "where did you go? (assuming I did go and break rules)" or "you should do xyz" was overwhelming me with shame

And what I noticed was there was a huge finger pointing at me.

Logic and evidence told me these were not true, of course.  But instead of dismissing the feelings and telling myself "It's nothing; don't be silly" I tried to listen to the voice and to affirm the feelings.

So finally, I decided to go get tested

I had made an appointment but the day before I decided to swing by another location that took walk-ins just to see if they may be able to take me.  As I drove into the centre, I parked.  The parking lot only had a handful of cars.  Good sign.  I called the number from the parking lot.  First shock?  The voice on the other side of the line was a very very friendly voice.  She told me "come on in!"

Even a friendly and welcoming voice can calm someone's nerves

As I entered, I was told to get my identification, then moved to another table to answer some simple questions.  Then moved to get the swab.  And oh boy!  The swap is more than uncomfortable! It stung!  After that, I went to a final table and a friendly staff gave me a 'goody bag' with all sorts of masks, information and website to check the results in 1-3 days.

Then, I was done.

As I walked back to my car while the nose still stung, all I could feel was thankfulness.  I was so thankful for this experience.  From realizing how unnerving booking and driving to the site can be, to seeing our healthcare workers work there, still with a friendly smile (I can see the smiling eyes), to the coordination and to the fact that my government is paying for it, I thanked God.  I felt blessed.

And the results would take a bit over 24 hours.  During that time, my feelings fluctuated from calmness and thankfulness to worry and shame and embarrassment.

I wanted to tell myself "Don't be so silly" but I tried hard to just say "I would be worried too."

Covid has the ability to do much more than weaken our bodies.  It triggers a lot of the emotions we numb and hide.  It triggers all the junk out. 

And as I check online for the results, a second thing hits me.  Perspective.

This morning I checked again.  No, I do not have Covid.  But I learned a valuable insight through this experience.

If you don't know anyone who has had Covid, you are probably privileged one way or another - it is harder to have empathy or to care when you are in a bubble.  Putting our head in the sand does not mean there is nothing happening.  This experience really helped me appreciate our healthcare workers, our volunteers, our government and our community.  This experience really helped me wrestle with my fears, covid or no covid.  This really helped me put perspective and to develop empathy