Dreams Shattered

 I didn't sleep well last night.  

My eyes were stubbornly unwilling to stay closed.  

My heart was stubbornly unwilling to stop feeling.  

My head was stubbornly unwilling to shut down.

Instead, on on and off, all night long, my mind wanders to one word:

DREAMS

But when I go to my dreams, I find the room EMPTY

Why is the room empty?

Why can't I remember them?

What were my dreams?   

Is the pain, fear and disappointment I feel right now proof that dreams have been shattered?

But if they are shattered, why can't I see bits and pieces of the dreams on the floor?  

What exactly are those broken pieces on the floor?

For the life of me, I couldn't name them all night long.  I just felt I was walking on broken glass.  I was still walking and moving, but I was also bleeding internally, hemorrhaging.  

But I keep looking.  What exactly is broken?  I don't know.

So this morning I went back to my own blogs and searched the word "Dream" and re-read some of my dreams.

Here is an excerpt of one blog about my dreams that caught my eyes:

"He is with me ... all the way.

Though there is apprehension in me, kids, if one day you see this (and I do hope to share all these blogs with you), I hope you will know that God has an amazing dream for you...and that I am just so honored to have been and to continue to be part of it (sorry, you are stuck with me!)  And when I fix my eyes on that, I feel strengthened to face the next chapter with excitement and anticipation....because not only are there dreams for you...God has weaved His dreams for me with your life....  

Never get lost in whatever stage in life you may find yourself in, are are preparing for.  Never lose sight of God.  We can prepare, but all the information, preparation, advice and knowledge of the world will not help us in the end.  Only God can shatter our fears and our worries and turn our lives into victorious chants of a bunch of dreamers who chose to seek and heed to their Creator's dreams for them."

It is obvious I have gotten somewhat lost along the way.  I didn't feel like fears and worries have been shattered.  Last night, I felt the dreams, not the fears and worries, shattered.  

" There will be days when I'll need to let go of some actions, but never the dream.   I will be intentional and try my very best, with God's help, to guide, share and live life with my kids.  God will strengthen me to be courageous and to not settle with the status quo but to always seek God's wisdom."

Is this what losing the dreams feel like?  Is this what fear does when obstacles arise, much more fierce than you had imagined? 

But no, I do have dreams.  I am spending the entire day remembering.  It feels like I'm walking on shattered dreams, but if I could just remember the dreams, I could perhaps see if I am really walking on shattered dreams, or perhaps they are just schemes to shatter me.

I dream of a day when you are no longer scared to see your own self.  Where what you see is a reflection of how God sees you: imperfect but lovely; faulty but mended; redeemed and renewed.  I imagine a day when you find individuals in this world that get you; that understand you.  These are people who you do not feel the burden to 'educate' so that they can understand you.  They just get it.  And these people will love you, and give you room to be you.  I dream of a day when you are chased no longer by  lies of anxiety, guilt, and fear.  I dream of you seeing you, and finding pride, strength and God's very own hand holding you - rather than a you that holds you back, debilitates you and condemns you.  

My dream for you is to smile.  My brother told me to smile not too long ago.  Smile while God gives you the ability to smile.  And I dream of a day when I notice that lovely, unapologetic and carefree smile of yours beaming out loud for the world to see.  

I imagine a day when you will see what I see.  When you see what God sees in you:  a beautiful creation, perfect in its unique way.  That day, you will celebrate, and unapologetically shout it out.

I dream of a day where you will not be afraid to try new things, face new challenges, find your passions, and take your own pen to write your own stories.  I dream of a place for you to reprocess all the pain you have and will live through, and where you will reframe it with God's guidance, trusting He is enough.

No, the dreams are not shattered.

It felt shattered, but they are still there.  God is holding those dreams - He's got them in His precious hands. 

Yes, I feel overwhelmed, angry, scared and jealous.  

Yes, I swung from that to feeling exhausted, paralyzed, numb, and disconnected. 

But the dreams are not shattered

You are not shattered

Today, I have choices I didn't have before.

Today, I am choosing to use my voice in ways I need to be compassionate to myself.

Today, I face and voice out my fears because they are valid.

Today, my fears are only part of my story; they do not get to decide the course of my life.

Today, I am safe under God's wings

Today, I honour my pain, but do not have to be stuck in it.

I will not ignore my dreams

                                        I will not stifle my dreams

                                                                    I will not shame my dreams

I will be compassionate to self; and I will forever choose to stay curious.

Welcome back, dear dreams.