Allergic to Change

I like security, routine and familiarity.  I don't like change.  My kids go to nap and bed at almost exactly the same time every day.  Change stresses me out.  Even the smallest change in my routine will throw me off.  No...I'm not very adventurous by nature.  Life just seems a lot easier when it is predictable.

But despite that, my life can be described well with one single word:  CHANGE.

Not my own doing.  I guarantee you that.

Blame it on God.  He continues to remind me of the dangers of being comfortable, of seeking security.  I have noticed a pattern in my life.  God has never allowed me to feel 100% comfortable in one place for too long:

1.  When my brother Andy was born (I was 4) my life turned upside down.  I was no longer the centre of attention in my family.

2.  My parents moved to Peru 6 months after I started Grade 1 in Hong Kong.  I was sent to school on day 3 of having stepped on Peruvian soil.  I did not know a single word in Spanish.

3.  Then I moved to Three Hills, Alberta, when I was 15, at the peak of my teenage wonder years.  Another new language, new culture, new everything.  And no parents to rely on.  I was there by myself in a boarding school.

4.  Just when I was beginning to fit in, I had to move to Calgary to do my undergraduate work.  High School was over.  Start all over again.  

5.  While in Calgary my brother Andy was diagnosed with leukemia and passed away 6 months after.

6.  Just when I was beginning to bounce back after all this, I graduated and had to figure out where to go next.  God moved me again to Langley, BC to complete my graduate work.  

7.  Then to Vancouver to work.  In the 5 years I was in BC I must have moved about 5-6 times.  

8.  I was finally feeling I was truly making friends for life...you want to guess?  yeap.  Moved again.  I got married and moved to New York City.

9.  Two years after living and working in NYC, we moved back to Toronto.

...and in the back of my mind I did think that perhaps I would be able to finally settle....

Each change and move brought tears and frustrations.  Each move required extra strength to learn new things, new people, new customs, new lingo, new everything. Every change stretched me, challenged me, humbled me.  At each new stop I asked the Lord "When will you let me settle and for once feel like I belong somewhere?"  And at each stop the Lord would say "You belong to Me - I will continue to move you until you get that and learn to be satisfied no matter where I place you here on earth"

The Lord knows me better than I do.  He knows I will be 'sucked' into the currents of this life.  He knows my weaknesses.  And I've come to know and understand that moving me around was one way of reminding me to never conform to the patterns of this world  (Rom 12:2)

So here I am, having lived in Toronto for about 6 years now.  I have bonded and made close friends.  I have a church I call my spiritual home.  The number of Christmas cards I sent to people locally this year is beginning to outnumber the number of cards I send overseas.  And I am happy.  I am content.  I am comfortable.

I wondered..."Hmmm...no changes in 6 years?  that is unheard of in my life!"

But as I reflect on the last 6 years I realize my life has indeed changed - many were very hard changes and they brought many tears and lonely moments to my life.  But just as I have been able to see God's gentle hand holding me through the experiences in the past, I can also see His hand leading the way in the last 6 years - even though we never left Toronto.

Six years ago I quit my job for no 'apparent' reason other than feeling the Lord wanted me to do so.

Five years ago I had my son and the life I knew completely changed literally overnight.  The Lord humbled us and showed us who was the real boss when He gave us Samuel.

Five years ago I questioned the purpose of my life; I was not enjoying motherhood and at times felt trapped and felt guilty for feeling this way.

And now....this last year...the Lord once again challenged me to stepped into change once again - this time in the shape of giving up my space and family 'free time' (is there such a thing?) to serve Him in church (I will blog about this in more detail in another entry)

Just when things started to finally 'calm down'.  Samuel no longer cries frantically at night (not every night anyways!), Sarah is growing up and able to sleep by herself.  I don't freak out whenever I see a boo boo or I hear a cough or wheezing or when the kids have a stuffed nose or fever.  Sarah appears to have moved on from her crazy-over-one-hour tantrums. We are no longer tired and sleep deprived 24/7.  

Just when I finally feel I am able to watch an entire movie from start to finish.  To be able to enjoy dinner.  To be able to read a book.  To be able to go out for a facial without feeling guilty, worried or sad.

Just now....change again Lord?  Can't you give me a break and let me enjoy comfort?

But no ... the answer is clear to me.  It's not that the Lord wants me to change all the time.  It's because for me, with comfort comes the dangers of becoming complacent, selfish, proud.  The Lord's agenda is simple:  Abide in Me (John 15:4) and "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10).  That is what He wants from me.  And one way to draw me near to Him to fully experience a true relationship is through change.

For as hard as each change has been.  For as lonely as changes can be.  For as counter-culture seeking change and choosing discomfort can be....I have to thank God for the changes He has brought to my life.

I have experienced what it means,

- to rely on Him when no one else is available to help you;

- to humble yourself when you realize your pride is based on fluff;

- to seek God's embrace when no one else is around to give you a hug;

- to cry out to him when you can't call on anyone else to listen to your case;

- to experience joy that transcends human understanding in the midst of hurts and loneliness;

- to want to hear God's opinion about your case so much that you won't let Him go until you hear what steps you ought to take next from Him;

...simply put....

I have experienced what it means to just Be still and KNOW that He is God.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." 

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Yes, I am allergic to change...but I still want it, if the Lord brings it, because it has made me a better person in Christ and I have come to understand Him better.