Week 2: Emotional Roller Coaster

Everything changes in the blink of an eye.  I had started writing this yesterday with this sentence:  "Things are much better now".  Little did I know that in less than 12 hrs after writing that, the pain in the foot would come back.

The second week of this 'foot journey' marked the beginning of an emotional and, as of yesterday, a spiritual fight.  I told myself before the surgery that I would not allow myself to be depressed.  That I would find things to do.  That I would call on people.  That I would distract myself.

Now I am in the house.  The kids are at school.  Husband at work.  

It's just me, my thoughts, my feet and my God.

And I am finding myself surrounded with emotions I cannot express in words.  Yeah, me, Sandy, cannot really express to you what is really going on inside of me.

This week has been filled with what I am calling, emotional "moments"

I "know" what I need to do but there are "moments" when I just don't want to do it.

I "know" this is a time to rest and take it easy....but I am frustrated that I can't even go downstairs without the help of someone.  I am frustrated that I can't take a shower without my husband's help.  I am frustrated that I can run into the door when I hear the kids come home to welcome them.  I am frustrated that after going to the washroom, I have to lay down because the energy I used took my breath away...literally.

I "know" that I am not alone and that many people are praying for me and ready to help at any time....but that exact good thing is in constant battle in my heart with my desire to be 'better' sooner than later.  It's almost as if remembering the help available reminds me of the position I am in.  There are moments I want to be alone...and moments I wished someone was here to make me laugh.  There are moments I want to be held and touched, and almost right after I wished to be left alone.  There are moments when I wished someone would call me and almost immediately after I complain that people are texting me to check on me.

I "know" I have to be optimistic.  And I have had moments when I am feeling great and positive and thankful and I fight off these 'moments' and tell myself, "Sandy, get up".  "Sandy, change your clothes even though you are not going anywhere".  "Sandy, read something"..... But when the emotions rush in there are also many moments when it feels 'better' to just join the pity party.  To feel sorry for yourself and to tell yourself you are suffering (when in your mind you do know you are not, compared to many other people).

I "know" I should just accept the help (from people or medicine)...but I have moments when accepting these makes you feel smaller, not larger.  The very fact that I needed to take more pain medication pokes fun at you for not being stronger.  When you need your children's help or husband's help, and you sit in the bed and cannot get yourself to call on them, because doing so makes you feel weaker.  I "know" these are not truths, but I have those moments.

Don't tell me what I already Know.  I know what I need to do.  I know these moments don't define who I am.  I Know....

A couple of times my husband has caught me with tears streaming through my eyes.  He would ask me "what's wrong?" because he cares and wants to help.   But I would answer back "what's wrong?!?"  I don't know "what's wrong".... please don't ask what's wrong.  Don't tell me not to cry.  Oh, but wait, don't leave me.  Oh, but wait, did I just tell him to leave me alone?

What's going on?

I am overwhelmed.

But the Lord knows...He knows my thoughts better than mine.

I have a maker
Before my heart,
before even time began
My life was in his hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought,
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call

I have a father,
he calls me his own
He'll never leave me,
no matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call
He hears me when I call

And perhaps the best thing people can do right now is to tell me how they are doing.  Don't ask me how I am doing, cause I don't know.  As soon as the words come out of my mouth when telling you how I am doing, "how I am doing" might have changed already.  Tell me how you are doing.  Tell me about your day.

Now I get why grandma used to ask us about our day whenever we would visit her.

Oh, but wait.

Even though I just told you to tell me about your day....I don't want to really know everything that's been happening to your life.  Every small insignificant thing could ignite in me reminders that I am here cooped up....you telling me you went hiking, or tried a new restaurant, or whatever.  

I am sorry for feeling this way.  It really isn't your fault.  Please don't take it personal.

Someone posted on facebook a question this week:   

"Do we really care for the people around us, or do we only care about what they do for us? And do we know the difference?"

Perhaps the answer is more complicated than we first thought.

I really think a lot of people care.  They really do.  

So why don't people feel cared for?

I KNOW (from all the evidence!) that people care for me, and they have been reaching out to me...and yet, in my "moments", I have felt not cared for.

Perhaps a more apt question is whether people whom we show care get our message.

That is a bigger question.

And it hits me....people are trying to care for me....but caring requires patience, an ability to acknowledge you'll make mistakes, and a willingness to continue trying.  

Because people like me sometimes really don't know what we need.  

And we have a great ability to disappoint your offers of care, or to ignore them, or simply put, not to accept it.  Don't ask why...because they may not even know why.

Caring also requires us to actually KNOW that person...ideally before the person needed the care.  Don't show care the way you would want to be cared for....you are not him and he is not you.

And so....last night....when the pain from the foot came back....a new emotional roller coaster started inside of me.

I asked God to show Himself to me....it was just me and Him...everyone else was asleep and I knew no one could help me but Him.  I wanted him to take me to those "green pastures" (Psalm) that He had promised...and for a short moment, I saw the green pastures...but instead this is how God answered:

He showed up next to my bed...and He touched me.  I didn't know it but I needed touch.   

He told me to just cry it out...and He cried with me.  I didn't know I needed a good cry with Him...and that it was ok not to know WHY I was crying

I asked Him give me sleep...but instead all the while holding my hand, He took me to past memories.

I found myself seeing my brother Andy, when he was sick with leukemia.  I found myself seeing people I know at my church who are in difficult times.  I found myself seeing people who I had deemed as "challenges".  I found myself face to face with people I'd promised to pray for.

Here was the stark difference:I began FEELING.  That same emotional roller coaster I've been in the last week, now I felt it in them.

Did I care for these people before?  Yes, I can honestly tell you I did/do!

Did they need the kind of care I gave them at the time?

Maybe not so much.

At first I didn't get this.  It was so painful to feel I asked the Lord why.  What's the point.  Some of these people, like Andy, aren't here with us anymore....it's not like he needs my prayer right now.  What's the point.

This morning, I get it.  

When I pray, when I care, when I want to show people God loves them.....I need to first ask the Lord to break my heart so that what breaks His, breaks mine.  To reach to them, I need to know what I am trying to reach to.  What is really hurting in these people.  Without them telling you....can the Spirit lead me to meet them where they are even if they do not know it?

That is my lesson this week...I had been wondering what God had for me this week with this emotional roller coaster....and perhaps this is one of them. 

This song sums the experience well.   It is a song written by Bryan Jeffery Leech. It is entitled "Let Your Heart Be Broken."  I guess it's not until something hurts us that we will really understand this lesson.  May the time you hurt next be filled with a moment where you cry out to the Lord too, and may He take you to see and feel the hurt around us so that we can CARE in more meaningful ways than doing patch work or feel-good work.

Let your heart be broken for a world in need.
Feed the mouths that hunger, soothe the wounds that bleed.
Give the cup of water, and the loaf of bread.
Be the hands of Jesus, serving in his stead.

Here on earth applying principles of love.
Visible expression, God still rules above.
Living illustration of the living word,
To the minds of all who've never seen or heard.

Blest to be a blessing, privileged to care.
Challenged be the need, apparent everywhere.
Where mankind is wanting, fill the vacant place.
Be the means through which the Lord reveals His grace.
Add to your believing deeds that prove it true,

Knowing Christ as Savior, Make Him Master too.
Follow in His footsteps, go where he has trod.
In the world's great trouble risk yourself for God.
Let your heart be tender and your vision clear.
See mankind as God sees, serve Him far and near.
Let your heart be broken by a brother's pain.
Share your rich resources, give and give again.

© 1975 The Evangelical Covenant Church

New lessons every day. He draws me near each day. He knows all my thoughts better than I know them. He sees each tear that falls...but perhaps, even in those tears, there are treasures to be found....