Day 2: Pain
I'm well enough to sit up and type this but the last 24 hours have been very trying. The pain I feared came upon me on Friday morning at 4-5 AM, as the freezing started to wear off. For the next 24 hours there were times I wondered if I could get through it. I shed so many tears but I also said out loud, albeit in a weakened voice, that God would get me through this, and that I could do it.
Funny what pain does to you when you are in the midst of it. You become grumpy, mean, and selfish. You really don't care about anything else but to wish the pain that seem to engulf you and put a pause into your life to go away. Everything that your caretaker says can become ammunition for your to fire back because you have the right to judge it insensitive.
You become someone you don't recognize.
And yet the fight within you is that you don't want to be that way. But there you have it. That's all I have to give. All that's left at the moment.
And that is when love is manifested. That is when you know those around you love you. Because you are not lovable and yet they are still loving. And you give them a blessing by letting them love.
You don't make sense. Tears flow from your eyes for who-knows-why. Drugs make you sick. Going to the washroom is humbling and painful. Finding a spot that is remotely comfortable seems an impossible task.
All of a sudden, you miss the simple things in life...walking, jumping, running.
24 hours have come and gone and I continue to be grateful. I still tell myself "Sandy, you can do it" every time I go to the washroom, but the pain is bearable now. I'm learning to live with it. I am thankful for my doctors, who were there for me and sent me stronger medication before the thanksgiving weekend. I am thankful for friends, family and students who have not only checked on me, emailed me but are also praying for me and taking the time to keep me 'company'. I am thankful for a family who is keeping everything running and is encouraging me to press on despite my tantrums in the last 24 hours. I am thankful I was able to sleep at night, albeit in 30 -45 min increments.
And just as the first 24 hours, I realize there is so much more about life to continue asking God to help us with. Yes, I need prayer for my healing and pain but as I watch TV, it breaks my heart to see what has happened in Haiti due to the Hurricane. I remember a friend who is suffering from depression. I think of a friend waiting to deliver her baby. I think of my church and the need to continue to learn to pray.
So, I have pain....but I don't have to suffer. I have tears, but I don't have to be hopeless. I feel emotionally drained but I am not alone. And I am physically weak but have been given the ability to stay spiritually strong if I continue living under His wings.
When the pain comes....I will remember that the Lord makes me strong
When the tears come....I will remember that the Lord gives me courage to go on
Deuteronomy 31:8 Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.”
Psalm 6:2 Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am faint; heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.
If you are in pain right now, remember that God can and will help you. Be true to your pain, but don't let it decide your future. God has your future in His hand, not pain.
If you know someone who is in pain, remember God has a role for you to play. What exactly will your prayer be like? Will you be on the watchout to see HOW He responds? Be there with your someone...you can't fix the pain but be there. Ask the person what he/she needs. He might need your presence, or comfort, or to hear that they aren't weak, or that you believe in them, or that they just need to be distracted and laugh, or to just cry....Be there.
Funny what pain does to you when you are in the midst of it. You become grumpy, mean, and selfish. You really don't care about anything else but to wish the pain that seem to engulf you and put a pause into your life to go away. Everything that your caretaker says can become ammunition for your to fire back because you have the right to judge it insensitive.
You become someone you don't recognize.
And yet the fight within you is that you don't want to be that way. But there you have it. That's all I have to give. All that's left at the moment.
And that is when love is manifested. That is when you know those around you love you. Because you are not lovable and yet they are still loving. And you give them a blessing by letting them love.
You don't make sense. Tears flow from your eyes for who-knows-why. Drugs make you sick. Going to the washroom is humbling and painful. Finding a spot that is remotely comfortable seems an impossible task.
All of a sudden, you miss the simple things in life...walking, jumping, running.
24 hours have come and gone and I continue to be grateful. I still tell myself "Sandy, you can do it" every time I go to the washroom, but the pain is bearable now. I'm learning to live with it. I am thankful for my doctors, who were there for me and sent me stronger medication before the thanksgiving weekend. I am thankful for friends, family and students who have not only checked on me, emailed me but are also praying for me and taking the time to keep me 'company'. I am thankful for a family who is keeping everything running and is encouraging me to press on despite my tantrums in the last 24 hours. I am thankful I was able to sleep at night, albeit in 30 -45 min increments.
And just as the first 24 hours, I realize there is so much more about life to continue asking God to help us with. Yes, I need prayer for my healing and pain but as I watch TV, it breaks my heart to see what has happened in Haiti due to the Hurricane. I remember a friend who is suffering from depression. I think of a friend waiting to deliver her baby. I think of my church and the need to continue to learn to pray.
So, I have pain....but I don't have to suffer. I have tears, but I don't have to be hopeless. I feel emotionally drained but I am not alone. And I am physically weak but have been given the ability to stay spiritually strong if I continue living under His wings.
When the pain comes....I will remember that the Lord makes me strong
When the tears come....I will remember that the Lord gives me courage to go on
Deuteronomy 31:8 Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.”
Psalm 6:2 Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am faint; heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.
If you are in pain right now, remember that God can and will help you. Be true to your pain, but don't let it decide your future. God has your future in His hand, not pain.
If you know someone who is in pain, remember God has a role for you to play. What exactly will your prayer be like? Will you be on the watchout to see HOW He responds? Be there with your someone...you can't fix the pain but be there. Ask the person what he/she needs. He might need your presence, or comfort, or to hear that they aren't weak, or that you believe in them, or that they just need to be distracted and laugh, or to just cry....Be there.
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