Fear and Worry

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31: 6(NKJV)

I have, potentially, a lot of time to blog for the next 6 weeks to 3 months.

I just came out of surgery today.

As my brain and body wakes up a little, I'm taking the chance to eat a little and to share with you.

Ever since I found out that my foot pain was not due to just tiredness but due to a tear and that it may not heal on its own I have been filled slowly with a fear and worry I haven't had for years.

The last time I felt this fear and worry was perhaps on my first day of graduate studies....

It's a crippling fear that can cause you to fret.  It is very deep.  It is hard to accept because accepting it, in your mind, defines you.  It says to you you are weak.  It says to you you should trust God.  It says to you it's not the end of the world and wonders and mocks you for being scared.

That fear, when it takes hold of you, invites another guy into your life:  meet Mr. Worry.  And if you know me, you know he's been an unwanted visitor of mine for as long as I have lived.

I worried about what might go wrong.  I worried and wondered if I was making the right choice.  I worried even if people might judge my decision (sounds silly but I am going to venture to guess I am not the only one that has had the same feelings!).  

The interesting thing I've learned so far?  Just because I'm acknowledging my fear and my worries doesn't negate the fact that I still TRUST in God and that God is at work in me.

Yes, while I struggled with Fear and Worry at different times of the day, I also trusted fully.  It is a dichotomy hard to understand unless you just let go of yourself and surrender it all to Him.  HE knows what is best.

I trusted that God was watching over me, walking alongside me when I needed company or carrying me when I couldn't walk (no pun intended!) 

I trusted that God was going before me, clearing up situations for me to see, preparing the right people to help me. 

And I trusted that God was going behind me, fixing any mess I might have made and cleaning up for me

Yes, and so I lived with fear and worry while at the same time I trusted.  I chose to trust but the choosing wasn't hard.  It was just simply recognizing that trusting doesn't mean I won't feel fear or worry but that WHILE they are here to stay, Trust Trumpets them all.

This morning we woke up before the sun rose and were admitted to the hospital.  I remember being ever so aware that I was walking by myself.  I remembered feeling scared of the unknown and scared that doctors, nurses etc would not be nice.  Things seemed surreal...(well, I woke up before 5AM, anything seems surreal before 5 AM :P)

Instead, the Lord gave me wonderful staff...Everywhere I went they were wonderful.  Even my surgeon, who in her office was just a matter-of-fact type of person (she still is!) had a touch of sweetness in her.

But I was still scared...but I also trusted.

How did God lessened my fears?  I started noticing so much pain and hardship around me.  There were moments I wanted to cry seeing the father who was trying to calm his son who was about to go to surgery, telling his son that the cafeteria was not open yet (he was hungry).  I could sense fear and worry in some of the people in the waiting room and wondered if they might be praying.   I prayed for the elderly man 2 beds beside me who was screaming after the operation and the lady beside me who vomited.

And I thanked God for everyone there who was SERVING us...the nurses who were caring for us, the caretakers who were cleaning up all our mess, the surgeons who fixed us, the anesthesiologist who talked to me and made sure I was not to be afraid and the doctor who answered questions.  And I prayed for them, that they might not lose any of that heart as they see people like me every day.  And that in those hard days in their personal lives, the Lord continue to uphold them because what they do daily is a blessing to so many and that if they don't already, that they may know Him.

Fear...where are you?  I kind of forgot about you while I was seeing this and thinking.



What else did I fear?  I feared PAIN, or even the possibility of pain.  Yeah, I know.  But hey, that is Sandy!

I am still fearful of tonight and what I might feel once the freezing wears off.

But I will trust that this too shall pass, and that the Lord will be here.

God is reminding me....one fear at a time, one blessing at a time, one moment at a time, one joy at a time....BE STILL and KNOW that He is God Sandy!  (Ps 46:10)

And a new thought comes to mind....to pray BELIEVING.  Bold prayers...not just "God, help me not to have so much pain".  Perhaps my prayer and the prayers of others for me need to change and this is a chance to learn.....

Perhaps I need to discuss with God what my prayer should be...

"God, I am scared of the pain, and I pray that if it's possible, and if it is beneficial for your Kingdom, that you take away the pain....or at least lessen it"

"But God, I also thank you because you have reminded me about a kind of fear and worry I had forgotten.  Next time I visit someone I will remember this.  And thank you for putting me in a position of submission.  I know it might not be easy for me to live for weeks relying on others but I KNOW You have your ways to get to me."

"And I pray that the next 48 hours especially, through pain or no pain, Tylenol 3 or no Tylenol 3, tears or no tears, that you will draw me close to you, that I would see you face to face, that people may see how great you are and praise you through my sharing and that you will embolden, teach and show them what prayer is and isn't about as they pray for me.  Amen"

    I’ve picked you. I haven’t dropped you.’

Don’t panic. I’m with you.

    There’s no need to fear for I’m your God.

I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you.

    I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you." 

Isaiah 41:10 (The Message)