A portal to See hope

I started teaching English as a Second Language in May of 2014.  That was a mere 5 years ago.  I had become a stay-at-home mother for 10 years before that but prior to that I was in the ESL field for almost 10 years.  Back then, I had never seen how God could use my profession as a mission field.  I knew God could use it.  I knew I was constantly in touch with people from around the world and people who didn't know the hope that comes from Jesus.  But looking back, it wasn't something that I 'registered'.  Then, God took all I knew away to teach me much about myself, life and His world when I became a mother.  So by the time I returned to the field, I had a very different worldview.
I had a yearning that this was somehow a mission field.  But whereas my brain kept looking for 'opportunities' and saw missions as purely a series of 'projects', 'lesson plans with Bible message or content' and 'spiritually driven conversations', God kept whispering to me to "be still".

My struggle was real.  As an ESL teacher I felt I had been given a 'priviledge' to be Jesus' hands and feet and that I had to "do" something with it.  But I either felt overwhelmed when I felt I had too many ideas to incorporation into my lessons, or conversations to be had or too many students to 'reach out'.  Other days, I felt underwhelmed.  I let a few challenging students take away my passion to leading them somehow to Hope and found myself wanting to just do the bare minimum.

Add to that, I was finding it challenging to find the right balance - preparing the lessons, and teaching, was draining me quite literally, and it was affecting my home and family.  I didn't know how to balance it correctly and the easiest answer I had was to say to God "maybe this missional thing isn't for me right now"

But God kept saying "Be STILL".  I didn't understand it all, but by faith, I said to God: "OK, I don't get it, but I will try.  You lead the way"

Looking back, I understand a bit more.  As a teacher, I was not being called to Save, Rescue or Resolve my students' life challenges.  I was a PORTAL.

My prayer eventually developed into two parts:  Help me become a clear portal, and help those you have called see the portal.

I have been teaching in this current capacity for FIVE years.  Every day I would faithfully prepare lessons.  I would teach.  I would grade papers.  I would pray for opportunities to show the DOOR.  I would pray for the students to see the door.

But NOTHING.

And I found myself restless.  Maybe I wasn't doing something right.  Maybe it 'wasn't time'.  Was I missing something?

"Be STILL"

So I kept obeying the Sprirt's voice even though what I perceived with my human eyes was nothing missional.  I kept preparing lessons, teaching, grading papers and praying.  But if my classroom was a DOOR, it felt like a REVOLVING DOOR.  Students coming in and leaving after and never hearing back from them.

So what was the point?  Was there a point?  Did they even know there was a portal to hope?

"Be STILL.  I am here.  Follow my lead"

Almost THREE full years of what my human eyes perceived as IDLENESS, and yet God kept saying "FOLLOW MY LEAD".

I couldn't do it UNLESS I USED FAITH.  So I did.  BY FAITH, I kept on, though I wanted to give this up.

And then, one morning, as I was writing something on the board in preparation to class, one of my middle aged male students, who arrives early, blurted out from his chair something.  Instead of reviewing his notes or texting, he said something OUT LOUD to me.  I literally stopped writing and said a prayer before God gave me the courage to turn around.

"Sandy...I was poor before but now I am very rich.  I have (and he goes on to describe his riches)....but WHAT IS ALL THIS FOR?"

Was this really happening?  Was this student looking for A PORTAL TO HOPE?

We engaged in what probably was about 3-5 minutes of conversation until other students came in.

That was it.  There was no more talk about this.

I was dumbfounded.  I didn't understand why God would open this opportunity and close it again.

BE STILL AND FOLLOW MY LEAD.

And a few months later, again, Jesus lead me to another surprised encounter.

The students were working on some individual work and I was walking around, helping students.  One of my male students, who has a young toddler at home, looked extremely down and tired.  So when I passed by his seat I asked him quietly: "You look very tired, are you ok?"  I didn't expect his answer.  He replied, "I didn't sleep well last night.  I drank all night.  I am an alcoholic".

This time, I actually found myself asking God in my heart "God??? What are you doing?  Am I dreaming this? What do I say?"

I said NOTHING substantial.  I probably said something generic like "I am sorry"

I was confused after these 2 encounters.  After 3 years, I was no longer ready to see God move.  I had gotten a little sleepy and dare I say, didn't really expect much to happen.  And when these encounters happened, I was dumbfounded.  What's worse, I felt like I had failed God.

You see?  I had confined missions to a "to do" and "to act upon" list.  I felt like it was MY JOB to find the need.  It was MY JOB to help Jesus.  It was MY JOB to "do" something "missional".  And I had boxed in what SUBSTANTIAL encounters would look like.

Instead, God was using the 3 years to train me.  To mold me.  To stretch and redefine my faith.  And then he showed me what HOPELESSNESS may look and sound like.  He was NOT asking me to FIX it.

He was asking me to LOOK and LISTEN.

He was asking to see if I would just NOTICE and ACKNOWLEDGE.

I realize that just noticing and acknowledging my students' needs was ENOUGH for them to see a PORTAL TO HOPE.

BE STILL AND FOLLOW MY LEAD, Sandy.  That's all I need you to do for now.  More will come in MY Time.

So life continued and I went back to teaching, preparing lessons, seeing students come in and go.

But my life was beginning to change.  I started seeing how much I could just remind them that Jesus Notices and Acknowledges their needs.  So I started checking up on students who had left but who gave me their contacts.  A text/email here and a note there.  And I began to realize that was how I could show them that PORTAL.

Then last year, another huge revelation.  Students quite literally began dropping me lines online, in email or before or after class, asking me to explain to them Christianity.  Another one asked me which Bible was true.  Another one told me they had been reading the Bible but could not understand it.

All these conversations were never longer than 3-5 minutes, but this time I found myself ready, no longer shocked that they would ask.  Instead, I prayed hard for the Spirit to use me.  I had no idea how to answer.

And then life would seem to just go on.

Until then a handful of students, in the span of about a year, at different times, started asking me for coffee or tea time together.  They would share with me their heartaches - a divorce here, an estranged relationship with kids, a sick parent, family quarrels over money, you name it.  And they asked me what I would do in their places.

My Canadian background at first kicked in.  Don't say anything, I thought.  But they really wanted to hear what I would do.  Curious, I asked a couple of them why they would want my opinion.  After all, my life was vastly different than theirs.

This is what I did not realize at the time.  In the four years I'd been teaching, I did not realize that every time I had used my own life as examples to teach how to use the past tense, the simple passive, or an idiom was a little reminder to them that I was just like them - a human being with fault, pressures, life and problems.  But they saw something different - even though I had never mentioned God in lessons.  They noticed every time I listened and acknowledge them.  They noticed every time I shared with them about my challenges.  They noticed when my sharing did not come with requests for their response.

They noticed the portal

I could sense God now telling me "You have learned to be still, now I need you to SPEAK UP"

So I shared my faith to those who were interested and pointed them to the Portal to HOPE

Being an ESL teacher, or working amongst people who have needs or from around the world are great opporutnities.  What I had to learn, though, is that I needed to learn to recognize Jesus where I worked.  I needed to recognize His directions.  I needed to wrestle with why I wanted to always "do" more for Jesus and I needed to practice "stillness".  I needed to be OK with God 'holding me back' and to be OK when students leave never to be heard back from.

God was using me, but not according to MY will, but HIS.  And when the time came, I was able to recognize when He was calling me to MOVE.

Yes, it's a great priviledge we have as teachers.  We can be that portal so that they can cross the BRIDGE that is Jesus Christ to living life with Hope that surpasses all understanding.  Considering the few hundreads of students I've had over the years, the handful whom I am still in touch with may mean nothing, but God is sovereign and I know nothing is in vain for God.  I need to be OK with that.  Only a handful actually have come to know this portal and even fewer have crossed the bridge and even fewer yet are in the process of learning to be portals themselves.  It is a journey that does not have a start and end...but if I continue to learn how to Be STILL and FOLLOW, the journey becomes an awe-some one.