Head On

By definition, funerals are not something anyone likes or looks forward to.  In North America, though funerals are mostly peaceful and pleasant, and can be viewed as a "good" thing, I've come to realize no single culture has the perfect way to view funerals.  There is no perfect way to say good-bye.  Yesteday we said goodbye to my father in law.  This wasn't my first family funeral, but it was for my kids.  I was keenly aware that every tradition, every step and every bow was a first time experience that will leave a mark in their lives.  It becomes another thing that we use to shape us and help us make sense of the world.  

My prayer throughout was for the Lord to grant us wisdom and discernment to know how to walk through this uncomfortable part of life with them.  Up to this point in their lives they had not had to face death so closely, and when it was relatively close, we had shielded most of it, especially the ugly and painful parts of death, from them, packaging it, like most North Americans, in a peaceful, quiet and serene package.  We try to run through the motions as fast as possible - the aim is to simply survive it, with the least damage possible, and to put it behind us.

There was no way around it this time.

I was not confronted with choices of what to expose the kids to and what not.  Rather, it was more about how I would choose to journey with them through it HEAD ON.

PREPARING

In the days leading to the funeral I had tried to engage in meaningful conversations with them.  I tried to give them a picture of what grieving, funerals and death was like.  I tried to build their lexicon.  But I was also very aware that probably they were listening to only a fraction of what I was saying.  And of what they could understand, it was all tinted from the perspective of a child.  Because, after all, how could you understand fully if you've never walked through it?

But that is exactly what continued to fuel me to not rush, to be be fearful of this -- to take courage in the Lord and to go through it with them HEAD ON.

As my husband irons their white shirts, and I dress my daughter into full black, I realize that even the dressing up for the event is ceremonious in its way.  Does what you wear matter?  Perhaps more than we give it credit for.  The suit, the black tie, the shoes....all in a way, slowly but surely, helping us, if we wished to, mark what was to come: a final earthly good-bye.

TAKING TRANSIT

The surreal part of it all - I personally wanted to take a taxi to the funeral home -  was that we took public transit to the funeral.  As we waited for the trains and stood inside the trains, I looked around....life was moving on as usual.  Death does not stop life.  Death stings but life continues.  We might be mourning and in black, marking it to the world that we were, at this moment in time, pausing to mourn, but lives, and the people living, will not stop to wait for us.  A part of you wishes everyone would stop out of respect.  After all, how could they be so selfish and move on?  But deep in your heart you know this is one of the realities in life.  They did not know the person you are saying good-bye to, and while March 19, 2018 will be forever marked as a sad day for you, it is also marked as a wedding date, birth date or promotion at work celebration date for someone else.

IS IT OK TO LAUGH?

A few days prior to the date, my son wisely shared with me that this trip felt different - he didn't quite know if it was OK to feel happiness.  How observant of him, I noted.  The mind can tell us that it is OK to laugh, to smile and to have fun while grieving, but there is a sadness that clouds everything.  Everything you do, breathe, and live out is tinted with a layer of sadness.  You struggle, because, while you know laugheter is indeed a way to grieve too, you catch yourself sometimes feeling guilty for even laughing and smiling.  To laugh takes more energy, and taking more energy makes you tired, and tiredness tends to trick us to become more vulnerable.

WHY COME?

Why did we bring the kids all the way for just a ceremony?  They have school back in Canada, and the 16-hr flight is quite triring for anyone.  But I had learned from the past.  As I wipe my son's tears and hug my daughter as I see her trying to put on a brave face, I remind them...this is the place where you can express yourself in whatever way you need to.  There is no right or wrong way.  This is the moment.  This is why mom and dad brought you back.  You are old enough to remember this, and old enough to need to be part of this.  This is important to mark HEAD ON.

Our lives on earth are like a big book.  We know our first chapter and the epilogue and final section - those of us who put our trust in God will see each other again in Heaven and it will be an amazing time.  But right now, at this funeral, we are marking the end of a chapter in the "Here on Earth" section of our book.  We need to mark it.  It is important to mark it.  We need to share it.  It is important to share it.  We need to digest it and remember it HEAD ON.  It is important for us to become mature adults and to move on.

Why do we have a funeral for grandpa?, I'd asked the kids in one of our conversations leading up to the funeral.  Interesting question, I suppose.  To say good-bye?  But my daughter, before seeing grandpa's corpse, asked me, "Can I just say 'see you later'?"  Do we have funerals to allow people to pay their respects?  Perhaps.  

COMFORT

As we looked at all the sprays in the hall I asked the kids if they knew why there were so many flowers.  They wanted to know more so I found myself 'winging' my answer for I realized that I had never been told myself why people send flowers at a funeral.  It's just one of those things you figure out as an adult.  Like most of the things you see and do at funerals.  I've never seen a kids book on funerals, or a 'Funerals for Dummies'  (They might exist but it's not something people usually want to learn more about - unlike a wedding - but instead people try to just survive it, wing it, and let it fade away from memory... until the next one hits us again).  So I tell the kids it's a way grandpa's friends and families show their respect.  They knew him.  When we see all the flowers surround the hall, it brings some comfort to the family, knowing that in life he was loved and cared for by many.  It is a physical way to mark this moment HEAD ON - tangibly.

Then it dawns on me - in an attempt to be 'efficient' in North America, many people have replaced this tradition with asking family and friends to donate to charity.  Our North American culture pushes us to be 'wise' with our money - we think that flowers die eventually so why bother?  But, might we be doing more than intended?  We are pushing out ceremonies and traditions out of the window but, in the process we might have swung the pendulum too far.  As I walk around the hall with the kids, telling them who had sent each spray, I surprise myself.  I am being comforted by each as I walk around reading the labels.  It is helping us, the family, grieve.  I find myself feeling loved by friends and family who sent theirs even if they didn't know my father-in-law.  It was their way of giving me an embrace - of saying, "Sandy, we are here with you"

LIVE IT TOGETHER

Why do we have funerals?  In my family's case, it is one of the few times we gather together, plan together, and spend hours together.  You might think that is sad, but I'm going to guess that we aren't the only family in the world who could spend a few more hours together than we usually do.  Whatever the reasons behind this, I have now attended three of these funerals on my husbands' side and though each have been difficult, all three have been opportunities for me, especially living abroad, to get to know members of the family better.  Enjoying each other's presence feels like the wrong thing to say here, but that has happened.  But beware, it is very fleeting, for we should do this more often and are super rusty at this skill.  So everything gets cloudy with the bad, the uncomfortable, but if we choose to take it all in HEAD ON, it is there.

I suppose a funeral forces us to face rough times HEAD ON.  Take it all in.  Live it out.  Feel it all.  Pause from the craziness of life and feel, break, weep, yell, see life in a different way...and recallibrate if needed.  No one is ever fully experienced in knowing what to do during a funeral; but everyone feels like they are the only ones who don't know when they face it.  Planning a funeral and going through it tests a family; and the relationships in it.  It puts it on clear display whether our relationships are strong, or stronger than we once thought, or broken, or more broken than we thought.  Our insecurities, fears and lies we have unconsciously accepted surface and takes us by surprise.  It takes away any stubborn defence mechanisms we might have built to guard ourselves.  At a funeral, all is laid bare and we sometimes, see each other as we trully are.  That is also, perhaps, a reason we try to survive it and put it in the past - but what good does that bring to us if we live through it as zombies and try to shove it under the rug each time?  Face it HEAD ON, with discernment, with insight and let the Spirit of the Lord guide your every step, comfort every moment, repair each are broken.

MEDITATION

At the funeral there were speeches, there was a sermon, there were moments of meditation.  I wonder, what do you meditate on?  What do you say to God in those moments?  Or do you speak to the one who is the reason of this pain you are feeling in your heart words cannot describe?  Or do you speak to yourself and tell yourself to stay strong, that this will be soon over?

I think we do it all, or at least, that is the hope.  But even if we don't, seeing my kids follow the motions, bowing their heads, closing their eyes...p-a-u-s-i-n-g....and feeling the pause and hearing the pause is important.  Perhaps that is also how the Holy Spirit intercede on our behalf.  Realizing that life still happens when we are quiet.  Don't rush.  Hush.  Soak in the quietness and motionness moment HEAD ON.

REMEMBER 

And my thoughts now gravitate towards the eulogies.  As I listen with a thankful heart to my husband speak about his late father, I vow to myself - we ought to remember.  We will not only find strength in the Lord to move forward, but that part of cherising will be to remember.  To remember all the good - and despite all the bad in each of our lives (who dares say they are perfect?) there is good and beauty and laughter.  The secret to living in the light isn't to find ways to shun the darkness, I suppose.  But to choose to see more and more light.  Light will overwhelm the darkness.  I find myself smiling as I listen to the stories.  I am so proud of my husband and brothers-in-law, for standing up and honoring their father.  I am going to make sure we will remember him.  I will remember even though it will be hard to 'go there'.  I will pass these stories to the grandchildren and tell them it is part of their heritage and it will help them discover who they are.

YOU HAVE HEART

A few days before, I was reminded that we never say "Thank You" during the visitation in Chinese tradition.  Instead, we were to say what literally would mean "(you) have heart)".  On our bus ride the next day, on our way to the crematorium, I ponder as the bus speedily passes by the skyline of Hong Kong, with family and friends along the same ride, together.  

"You have heart".  When my old High School friend gave me this advice a few days before the funeral, I almost chuckled, but was very thankful for such a thoughtful friend.  She knows me.  She was thinking about me.  She took action and called me and walked me through it.  But now, as the funeral processing is indeed happening, I am deep in reflection.  

What does "you have heart" convey?  The Chinese language and culture shows very little 'heart' literally but it has other ways to express similar things.  The heart is linked to feelings in this culture, like many others.  Of all the things in life, this is one place where we are allowed to affirm people that they are kind.  No big hugs.  No big speeches.  No big smiles as we remember and celebrate the life that was.  Affirmation, especially the overt ones, are frowned upon - humbleness is a much more cherished skill.  There is no need to 'thank' people for coming.  For a culture where being 'proper' and thanking and being humble is so important, it is notable that for this occassion, the culture encourages affirmation.  It is so subtle and part of the culture probably people reading this might say I'm overthinking it.  But am I?

CEREMONIES

The ceremonious motions make it easier to go through the process.  Visitors arrive and their entrance is announced by an usher.  They sign and leave 'white gold' or money for the family, if they so wished.  They have come but this 'meeting' is because of the deceased.  So the usher guides each step that follows.  The family, sitting on the side, stands.  The visitors stand in front and are told to spend time to meditate in front of a picture of their lost friend.  If this is a Chinese funeral there would be a lot more ceremony (I've attended those before but never had the strength to pencil my thoughts as it was quite traumatic - perhaps on another day I will) but this time it was a Christian ceremony, so the usher guides and tells visitors to spend time meditating.  Heads lower.  Then they bow as a way to show respect to their late friend and then the ushers says something to guide the guests to bow to the family and the family responds by bowing back (pun not intended with the title "head on"!)

BOWING

In my younger years I used to frown upon bowing.  I did not understand it.  I mocked it, and saw it as a tradition that had run its course.  Old-fashioned, like many other things that were part of my heritage.  Now, as I think back and as I am faced with new responsibilites, a new calling, a new weight - wanting to walk through this with my kids - I want to know more and have newfound appreciation to some aspects of it.

PARLOUR VS HOME

In the West, we call these places "Funeral Homes".  Look at that...it is a Home.  I never realized it until I started writing this week.  Growing up in Latin America, Funeral places are dark and scary.  When I first went to a funeral home in Canada I was shocked.  It was just a house!  So it was interesting to notice even the name of these places here.  My husband pointed to the tall brown building from the train station as we walked to the funeral home the first day.  "We are heading there" - he explained to us.  Then my son asked me on the second day, "Why is it called a parlour?" ~ I have no idea either.  Here these places are called "Funeral Parlours"

I found the name interesting too - in Canada it is usually a last name or the name of a place.  The place we went to was called "Universal".  Being a linguist, I guess it is just in my blood to analyze and dysect things with words.  It seemed so literal.  No disguise.  Having been to Chinese traditional funerals, I knew that these places were ginormous compared to our western 'homes'.  Floors and floors of halls.  All religions present.  While one family might be having a Buddhist ceremony, the next door might be having a Taoist one and the family on the ground below a Christian.  I would not call this a city where diversity is embraced and celebrated, but when it comes to funerals, I find this eerily diverse.

It's a parlour.  I googled for a description of a parlour.  It is a private room to receive guests.  Hmm.  How appropriate - so much more formal.  I guess it suits the occassion.

I had warned my kids about possibly seeing the corpse.  But it never registered.  And I was right.  I still remember the first time I saw a corpse - it was my uncle's in Peru.  Like me, later on that night my kids shared that that was one of the most surprising things of the entire night for them.

SEEING IT HEAD ON

How do you prepare for this? There is only so much you can do.  Over and over, the family had an opportunity to be close to the open casket, and over and over again I reassured the kids they did not have to go if they didn't want to, but they wanted to.  Seeing a corpse always hits me hard personally.  Seeing the realities of life HEAD ON, facing back at you.  When life is no more, this is what it is like.  We come with nothing, and we leave with nothing.  We come with no control and we leave with no control.

And yet, grandpa was a Christ follower.  We are reminded by the officiant that we have hope.  Christ conquered death and because of His Salvation, we will meet again - and so, 'see you soon' is quite appropriate.  I glance a glimpse at my kids. One is tearing up, and the other's eyes are closed - I think she is either talking to herself or prayering.   I say a short prayer for Jesus to come alongside them and comfort them right there.

SWEETNESS IN BITTERNESS

We attended a Christian funeral, but in a Chinese city, so it was not surprising to see the white envelopes everyone was still given at the parlour.  Inside each envelope, there is a piece of folded kleenex, a candy and a dollar coin.  I explained to the kids what I had gathered as information from the previous experiences I had.  No one really explains, they tell you what to do and what not to do.  Understanding what to do is more important than understanding the reasoning for it is not up to us to decide if it's worth following, in this culture.

It is interesting how the envelopes are given quickly and how the kids and families rush to take a candy and toss the coin at a donation box at the entrance of the parlour, before leaving. I knew the kids would feel frassled so I told them ahead:  the tissue is to wipe away your tears, the candy is to bring some sweetness in your bitterness and sadness so you must eat it, and the coin ... I actually don't know what it represents but I know you must use it before leaving the funeral because it will bring you bad luck if taken home.  So before leaving, I saw all the parents opening the envelopes quickly, sticking a candy into their kids' mouths and tossing the coins into the donation box.  Later, my daughter, puzzled, noted that the custom was ironic - if you can't bring anything home due to fear of bad luck, why do you ingest the candy?  "Mom, the candy is inside our tummies, we are taking it home."

EMPTY HANDED

On the second day, we make a last trip to the crematorium.  The service is simple.  We sing Amazing Grace.  We are reminded of the hope we have in Christ and how He causes us to live.  Then we present our roses, and a simple button is pressed to usher in the body into the crematorium.  This was the only place where I felt I was breaking down.  The finality of it all.  I held my kids' hands a little tighter than usual, needing them, now, to console me instead.  The flower arrangement on top of the casket drops on the floor after entering the crematorium and my son asks "is it normal not to burn the flowers?" - I don't know but the symbolism was strong for me.  We come to the world with nothing, and we leave with nothing.  Not those we love, nor the things we have accumulated, and not even the flowers that carry us into our last chapter in life, can be taken with us.  

The only thing that really matters are all things of the soul.

CONCLUSION

So, where is my soul today?  How do I live?  Who do I allow to direct my thoughts and actions?  What am I accumulating?  What would my eulogy be?

As I continue talking with my kids - another truth shared.  I remind them the pastor reminded us that there is hope.  That in heaven they will see grandpa again, and they will meet my brother Andy, and their greatgrandparents.  But one of my kids says what most of us at some point think but are too scare to admit:  

"I don't want to go to heaven"

And that leads us to talk about heaven - "Mom, what is heaven like, anyways?" At the core, I know they are trying to figure out if Heaven is worth it.  If they should CHOOSE to want it more than the life we have now.  Is it really a great place?  What does it really mean to have everlasting life with Christ?  Is it really more desirable than anything we desire here on earth?

My child, my child, these are things we all continue to think about.  Keep on asking, and keep on reflecting...HEAD ON.

This chapter in our lives might have ended but life continues.  We continue to mix the laughter with the tears.  

We will continue to say the wrong things and do the wrong things.  We will make bad choices in life.  As you grow, there will be times when you choose to follow your own way, and will be unwilling and too stubborn to listen to others or even God.

But you will also make good choices in life if you submit your life to God and follow Him.  You will also have moments of joy.  You will also sing, dance and be silly.  And you will have moments, I pray with all my heart, where you will choose to follow the narrow road to the cross.

Remember, that is life.  Don't be scared to soak it all in.  To face it HEAD ON.  To live it out loud for others to see and give credit to God through you.  Remember, cling to the Cross and what it represents.  Cling to the only Lord and Saviour who can bring true "sweetness" in your lives.  He is the only one who can wipe your tears when those painful parts of life hits us.  He is the only one who can bring value to our lives.  He will always keep you grounded.