To go or not to go

God is always at work.  The issue is whether we are developing an ability to see what He is doing.

I’ve been asking God if He might use me in a cross cultural setting again after all these years being a stay at home mom and learning what missional living is and isn’t locally.  But for a few years now, the answer seemed to be “stay put”

Then this year, as I started asking the same question again, looking forward to summer plans, our church’s missions team contacted me and asked me if I would consider leading a team to Latin America.

As I thought about it, and prayed about it, the time seemed right and after a few weeks of thinking, praying and discussions with my husband, we decided to say yes.  Even though I could see how He had been preparing the way – my eyes have seen so much more about what living on mission for God here locally is in the last few years – my faith didn’t seem strong enough to just go.  After all, this happened right before I had foot surgery, and I wasn’t even sure if I would be approved to take the time off work.

As team leader, I had to now discern where to go as we had 3 countries to choose from:  Peru, Colombia and Ecuador.  Having grown in Latin America I discovered my faults in my quest to find the ‘right answer’ from God.  I realized I was saying to God “anything but Colombia”…I was saying “I trust you but not enough to endanger the possibility of me not coming home in one piece”….and I was saying “I’d like to visit a new country I’ve never been to – let’s try Ecuador”

I can sugar coat the journey by telling you I prayed and read His word and emailed the missionaries on site for advice, which I did, but in the process, God revealed and taught me something more meaningful.  I had not asked Him the role He was calling me to as leader.

I was thinking of decisions needed to be made so that “I” could benefit and grow.  I was choosing “ministries” that seemed “meaningful” to Me.

Instead, God taught me He was sending me to JOURNEY, LEAD, TEACH and GUIDE and open up discussion SPACES for the teammates He was calling to go with me.  He was sending me to open my own eyes to further prejudices and biases I still have about Latin America.  And He was sending me to teach me what it means to lead as Jesus led – emptying Himself out for the sake of the Father.

So, here I am.  It still feels surreal.  I am still scared.  I still doubt if my foot will hold.  I wonder if my kids will be ok.  I worry my husband will be stressed out.  I question my leadership skills and fear I may say the wrong things.

But see, that is the whole point.  God will show me peace when I am scared.  He will heal and lift me up when I can’t walk.  He will use this to speak to my kids about living life for Christ and for the least of these.  He will invite my husband to serve Him.  He will use my mouth, hands and feet to journey with my team.  And He will humble me when (not if) I make mistakes.