The Lord is my Banner

I started this post on Day 1 of our STM but never got a chance to finish  it….

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It has been a crazy 24 hours.  Last night our team met one last time before our trip and we spent some time just praying.  I was reminded of the book of James and the admonition to pray with the right motives, to submit to God,  and to the promise that Satan will flee from us if we resist him.  We prayed that God would use us, and that if it meant for God to put us in uncomfortable situations, so be it.

Little did I know that in following 24 hours my faith would be stretched beyond expectations and that I will see a glimpse at the Lord anew, in new light, in more depth

Our son had been increasingly complaining of stomachaches in the last couple of days.  Although at first we thought it was his normal ‘tummy aches’ I noticed that they seemed to be getting worse.  By Thursday noon (I was supposed to be on the flight to Peru Friday afternoon), a day before my departure to Trujillo on missions, I got a call from the kids’ camp notifying me he wasn’t well.  On the way to pick the kids up I made an appointment with our doctor for later in the day but by the time I got home, something in me said I should not wait til 4PM and instead go to the ER

I have been in the ER only twice in my life.  It is not a place I go unless I have no choice, but because I was about to go abroad I sensed I had to rule out appendicitis or anything severe…

I texted our doctor and he asked me to stop by his office to get a letter but instructed that it was probably the best thing to get my son seen at the hospital given the circumstances

The entire time going there I felt scared and was frazzled.  Things were happening faster than I could follow.   I was worried and I felt guilty at even the possibility that I would leave my husband with a very sick kid.

As we checked into the hospital, I realized this was the first time my kids had been in a hospital, let alone the ER.  I was thankful for a relatively quiet ER at the time but there were a million thoughts and feelings invading me, faster than I could process, and I felt overwhelmed and scared, but needing to put on a brave face.

Calling all the saints

I debated whether to call people in our church to pray for us.  After all, when my son was not in pain, he acted normal.  A voice told me “Don’t be so needy.  You are not at the end of your ropes”.  At the same time, I sensed a small voice prompting to let my brothers and sisters “in”.

What followed was 15 hours of warfare.  I experienced what it means to really calling all the saints during war…and to let people minister to you, and to lift you up.  To speak truth into your life and to let them lift you and your family when you are too weak to do so.

I first texted our team, and then gathered enough courage to ask them to ask others to pray, and on and on.  Before I knew it a lot of people were aware and were praying.  I was still fighting thoughts of shame and guilt – what if it was nothing and I had ‘bothered’ the church for ‘nothing’?

And yet, as a team, and individually, we had been praying for God to shake not just us individually but for God to use us to help the journey learn the importance of sharing and supporting.  Was this part of the answer to prayer?

War and Peace

I have always heard of missionaries sensing prayer warriors’ prayer in the midst of difficulties but I had never truly felt it….until last night.  Overall I was scared, very scared…and was impatient and worried.  I wanted to just cry out loud but had to be brave for the kids.  I was at war within feeling guilty for possibly canceling the trip and telling the team to go without me.  I was at war within feeling guilty for going and leaving a sick kid, a worried second kid and a husband having to deal with it all.   I was at war feeling guilty for needing to rely on others like my parents to help out.  And I was just simply feeling a raw fear I don’t often feel

And yet, as the hours progressed, I felt “IT”.  I had literally waves of peace that surpassed all my understanding.  I had waves of comfort and reassurance that God was sovereign over this uncertain times.  And then I also have times when the fear would creep in.

I realize, then, that I was witnessing warfare and the saints prayers on our behalf!

My thoughts led me to  Exodus 17:15–16 “Moses built an altar and called it The Lord is my Banner. He said, ‘Because hands were lifted up against the throne of the Lord, the Lord will be at war against the Amalekites from generation to generation.’” “The Lord is my Banner” is the translation of the Hebrew Yahweh-Nissi.  This name, I was reminded, proclaims God’s leadership and the protection of His people.

The BUT

The first hospital did an ultrasound on my son.  The results were completely unexpected and I could see it in the doctor’s face.  No, he did not have appendicitis… BUT….(that is never a good sound!) he might have intussusception.

Intu … what?

They were not sure but surgery was part of the discussion and because they didn’t have a pediatric surgeon paperwork was completed immediately, the scans burned on a CD and off we were sent to SickKids Hospital.

Everything happened so fast, I had no time to panic…until I saw my son break down from fear.

Starting all over

Once we found the place (we got lost a few times!) we were admitted quite fast but eventually it was decided that the doctors wanted all the scans to be redone.

SO we waited…and waited….and waited.  Some times my son’s pain would seem bad…and other times he would seem ok….

By then I was prepared to forfeit my flight to Peru.  But I was praying…trying to learn the lessons I had taught the team in our preparation – to TRUST in God and His sovereignty.

A faint voice in the midst of all the storm told me God was with us.  Immanuel.  God was asking me to WAIT…one of the hardest things for me to learn….

How much do you love me, Sandy?

It’s after midnight…and we are still waiting.  I am counting the minutes and asking God when…and in response all I hear from God is the same question He asked Peter….

How much do you love me, Sandy?

What are you talking about, Lord?  That’s irrelevant in this situation!

How much do you love me, Sandy?

Ok, ok….You KNOW how much I love you Lord!

Take care of my sheep, Sandy

Huh????

and for the next couple of hours that was the extent of my conversation with God….

Misdiagnosis

It is July 28…I am supposed to be on a flight at 5PM.  I have not packed a single thing.  I am, instead, at the hospital, wondering what is next.

It’s 3:30AM.  Finally the doctors come.  And the verdict?  They didn’t find anything in all the blood tests and scans.  They think my son just has a viral infection that should clear on its own.

You can go home.

What just happened?

I should be happy, but again, I let my thoughts flood me with guilt.  Did I just put not just my family through hell but the church?

I don’t know if it was a misdiagnosis, or if God healed my son.  But whatever it was, I KNOW God used the last 24 hours to prepare me one final time before going to Peru.  It was clear that God wanted my all….even my love for my family.  And God was answering my prayers to open our eyes to things UNSEEN before.

I know God helped me see Him in a new way.  He challenged me to surrender my ALL to Him.  He showed me my pride in not wanting to share this with my brothers and sisters.  He stretched my faith to see how He answered prayers.  And he prepared our ENTIRE FAMILY as they sent me off.

I went to Trujillo, with God as my banner….but that banner was the same banner our ‘people’, our supporters, perhaps YOU, identified with.  I was reminded that tiredness can hit, but that we help each other out.  I was reminded to NEVER stop because the fight goes on…it doesn’t stop.  I was reminded to MARK the place for others to know.