FEAR
A few weeks ago my husband and I took a one night getaway thanks to a travelzoo offer I found online. The inn where we would stay was north of the city nestled in a conservation area and in the midst of the Niagara Encarpment - alongside a trail called the Bruce Trail. As I research on where to eat and what to do during our short rendez vous "hiking" kept screaming at me.
If you know me...I am not a hiker. Besides the fact that I am sorely unprepared physically, I just never enjoyed nature adventures as much as adventures into past cultures. I spent several years in Vancouver and I never appreciated hiking as much as the rest of the world :P - so "hiking" was really not my way of thinking how to spend quality time with my husband, especially considering that last time we had been along overnight was over a year ago.
But, somehow the idea sticked around and grew on me. Why not? I asked myself. My husband loves it and doesn't get to do it - and who knows! I might enjoy it and learn something new from it.
So, off we went. We checked in and packed a bottle of water (yes, just one!) and headed out to the trail. The map I had gotten was slightly different from the one the at the inn but basically was the same. Stephen is good at hiking and so I never thought much of what was ahead.
It was about 3 PM and the trek, according to all sources, was a 2 hour hike. "I can do that" - I told myself.
The place was very beautiful. We started off at Walter's falls, where the Inn is, so the crisp sound of the cascading waters was both refreshing as well as soothing. We bumped into a family of 3 - the father carrying a child no older than perhaps 3 years old. I felt better knowing they were hiking with me - if they can, I have to be able to hike this!.
The minute we started off I realized this was going to be like no other hike I've been to. Where is the trail? I started off leading and not even into a minute of walking my husband gentle suggested if he should lead the way. I agreed without hesitation. I began to worry a little - about what I am not sure - but continued on.
I did enjoy the scenery - as scared as I was - the path was so rustic and natural that you could really soak into the natural habitat. I passed by cracked wood, rustic mushrooms of all sizes, crisp waters along the river. I touched the crevices of the trunks as I tried to walk through the trees and almost felt the trees' years marked in each indentation I felt. My feet stumbled through the mud, greenery and somewhat of a trail marked by previous hikers. And as I ever so often would look up - as I looked down more than up! - I would realize the tall cedars above me, sheltering me from the sky beyond.
Not even 5 minutes into the hike we lost the family - oh no! - and we took the wrong turn. There were white markers on trees to direct us - we realized that 1 minute into the hike - where we had gone and my husband cleverly decided we had made a wrong turn. I wasn't too worried in my heart - after all, I told myself, we are so closed to the Inn -
After we 'fixed' our problem, we were back on the right trail. This time my husband was the source of my fears - "we are a feast to the mosquitos" - he said matter-of-factly. And I realized I had made a huge mistake in not bringing bug repellent. You see, I am what people called, mosquitos' heaven.
Then as the path got more rugged, my husband found a thick stick and gave it to me - It will help you - He told me. No questions asked. I accepted gladly....and for the next 2 hours that stick was both comfort and assurance.
It was not easy to find those white markers and we took a few wrong turns consequently. At each wrong turn, or each time we could not find the white markers, I would freak out, fearing of getting lost.
Then my husband made a joke, that we were so underprepared for the hike - only one bottle of water, no dry food, no compass - and I quickly told him in the few seconds before leaving the Inn fear had creeped already in and so I did have 3 granola bars...
After about 1 hour of hiking we entered an intersection. In the map there was a shortcut to cut the hike and turn back to meet the other trail going back to the Inn. We discussed whether we should do that. Namely, I was asked Can you continue and finish the hike or have you had enough. By then I had exhausted all my reserves to suck it up and make it till the end since this was my idea and declared that I was ready to go back.
My fears increased when I looked up at the sky at this point - what if it starts to rain? - but I knew I could not let all the IF's creeping up in my mind take a hold of me. I would break down in tears. So off I go, focusing on following my husband.
Then the height of my fear started. In attempting to find the shortcut we realized perhaps we had started the trek on the other side of the trail - but we were not sure. With no compass and a tired wife, my husband ever so gently and calmly used his childhood Boy's Scouts skills to try to figure out if we were heading East or West, North or South. I smiled and kept telling myself to trust him, and to trust we will be fine -
Then Sandy had a clever idea. I had my iphone with me! we were still close enough to civilization that perhaps we would have reception and we'd know where we were? So we started using the app to figure out where we were. Phew -
As we walked through the shortcut - my fears began to increase. There was no trail or white marks. Nothing that would tell me we were heading in the right direction. ONLY my husband. And he told me he was following the river, its current, and broken branches as signs that we were on the right track. While he was always positive (we are almost there) I was increasingly negative - What if we don't get home in time? What if I twist my ankle? What if? What if? -
And he sensed it because I had become VERY quiet. I told myself to not ask questions and to trust in the man walking ahead of me. He knew better what he was doing and I didn't have to know everything he was thinking. I told myself it was time to TRUST.
Eventually we reached the highway - but here was the last fear I had to face. I could see 'civilization' and I couldn't help but realize my heart was pumping of joy. That joy crumbled when we got near it - realizing there were barb wires! We could see the highway but how would we get there!? Again, it was time to just FOLLOW. Eventually, not too far away, we did find a place where the wires ended.
Yes, we got back to the inn after about 2 hours.
This 'adventure' was so unique - and though not my cup of tea, I'm glad we did it. We joked along the way, we tackled a project together that did not have kids in it. And even the fears I faced. I had joked half way through the hike that I had so much to blog about this because at every turn I would see a life application!
As silly as this may sound to some of you - I felt so vulnerable at that time, and so afraid too - and I realize that in the city, and comfort of my home, I strive to never get myself into situations where I would feel so 'naked' and 'needed'. But there was some beauty in being vulnerable.
You see my tendency was to simply look at my feet, and where I would step next. And though necessary, I realized in life just as in hiking, I need to look up too or else I would get lost. I would miss on White Markers in life if I was too afraid of tripping and my head stayed glued to only what was right in front of my feet!
My rod - my stick - what a great reminder of little 'insignificant' helps along the way. That little rod helped me through difficult trails and roads and gave me confidents to make big and small steps alike!
My compass - my husband was my navigational tool. And I was reminded that in life, just as in my hike, I needed to trust more. And sometimes God needs to put me in a vulnerable scary situation in order for me to trust more. Sometimes, my job isn't to ask questions. It is to simply keep my eyes on Him, to keep up with Him (and by the way, my husband would never go off without waiting for me - he would every so often check on how I was doing - and so does God!), and to let Him guide me!
The journey - even though I did have fearful moments...oh the scenery! When I let go of my fears and paused and looked around me - WOW - even in the midst of uncertainty there was BEAUTY to behold. I would never enjoy and soaked into the sounds smells and views if I was too preoccupied with just getting home.
The map - We had a map but it didn't contain details. I am a person that tends to like to know things before hand. To work with generalities is not in my nature. I need to have the feeling that I have a good grasp on where I am heading...but this experience reminded me that though in life we are given direction...and helps along the way...sometimes I just have to go with what I've got and trust that with each step of faith taken, more will be revealed. In a way, if I had known the trek ahead of me, I would have never suggested it to my husband and instead would have set up a spa appointment at the Inn!
I am in a weird way, glad God let me feel fear. It was a good spot to be (for 2 hours ^_^) in order to have this adventure with my husband. We both enjoyed it quite a bit - and we had a good laugh at my expense during dinner time -
All these are good questions I remind myself every time I think back to this adventure - alongside the great time we had together -- and yes, I did get to enjoy a fine dinner afterwards and a warm and nice sleep at night.
But, somehow the idea sticked around and grew on me. Why not? I asked myself. My husband loves it and doesn't get to do it - and who knows! I might enjoy it and learn something new from it.
So, off we went. We checked in and packed a bottle of water (yes, just one!) and headed out to the trail. The map I had gotten was slightly different from the one the at the inn but basically was the same. Stephen is good at hiking and so I never thought much of what was ahead.
It was about 3 PM and the trek, according to all sources, was a 2 hour hike. "I can do that" - I told myself.
The minute we started off I realized this was going to be like no other hike I've been to. Where is the trail? I started off leading and not even into a minute of walking my husband gentle suggested if he should lead the way. I agreed without hesitation. I began to worry a little - about what I am not sure - but continued on.
I did enjoy the scenery - as scared as I was - the path was so rustic and natural that you could really soak into the natural habitat. I passed by cracked wood, rustic mushrooms of all sizes, crisp waters along the river. I touched the crevices of the trunks as I tried to walk through the trees and almost felt the trees' years marked in each indentation I felt. My feet stumbled through the mud, greenery and somewhat of a trail marked by previous hikers. And as I ever so often would look up - as I looked down more than up! - I would realize the tall cedars above me, sheltering me from the sky beyond.
Not even 5 minutes into the hike we lost the family - oh no! - and we took the wrong turn. There were white markers on trees to direct us - we realized that 1 minute into the hike - where we had gone and my husband cleverly decided we had made a wrong turn. I wasn't too worried in my heart - after all, I told myself, we are so closed to the Inn -
After we 'fixed' our problem, we were back on the right trail. This time my husband was the source of my fears - "we are a feast to the mosquitos" - he said matter-of-factly. And I realized I had made a huge mistake in not bringing bug repellent. You see, I am what people called, mosquitos' heaven.
Then as the path got more rugged, my husband found a thick stick and gave it to me - It will help you - He told me. No questions asked. I accepted gladly....and for the next 2 hours that stick was both comfort and assurance.
It was not easy to find those white markers and we took a few wrong turns consequently. At each wrong turn, or each time we could not find the white markers, I would freak out, fearing of getting lost.
Then my husband made a joke, that we were so underprepared for the hike - only one bottle of water, no dry food, no compass - and I quickly told him in the few seconds before leaving the Inn fear had creeped already in and so I did have 3 granola bars...
After about 1 hour of hiking we entered an intersection. In the map there was a shortcut to cut the hike and turn back to meet the other trail going back to the Inn. We discussed whether we should do that. Namely, I was asked Can you continue and finish the hike or have you had enough. By then I had exhausted all my reserves to suck it up and make it till the end since this was my idea and declared that I was ready to go back.
My fears increased when I looked up at the sky at this point - what if it starts to rain? - but I knew I could not let all the IF's creeping up in my mind take a hold of me. I would break down in tears. So off I go, focusing on following my husband.
Then the height of my fear started. In attempting to find the shortcut we realized perhaps we had started the trek on the other side of the trail - but we were not sure. With no compass and a tired wife, my husband ever so gently and calmly used his childhood Boy's Scouts skills to try to figure out if we were heading East or West, North or South. I smiled and kept telling myself to trust him, and to trust we will be fine -
Then Sandy had a clever idea. I had my iphone with me! we were still close enough to civilization that perhaps we would have reception and we'd know where we were? So we started using the app to figure out where we were. Phew -
As we walked through the shortcut - my fears began to increase. There was no trail or white marks. Nothing that would tell me we were heading in the right direction. ONLY my husband. And he told me he was following the river, its current, and broken branches as signs that we were on the right track. While he was always positive (we are almost there) I was increasingly negative - What if we don't get home in time? What if I twist my ankle? What if? What if? -
And he sensed it because I had become VERY quiet. I told myself to not ask questions and to trust in the man walking ahead of me. He knew better what he was doing and I didn't have to know everything he was thinking. I told myself it was time to TRUST.
Eventually we reached the highway - but here was the last fear I had to face. I could see 'civilization' and I couldn't help but realize my heart was pumping of joy. That joy crumbled when we got near it - realizing there were barb wires! We could see the highway but how would we get there!? Again, it was time to just FOLLOW. Eventually, not too far away, we did find a place where the wires ended.
Yes, we got back to the inn after about 2 hours.
This 'adventure' was so unique - and though not my cup of tea, I'm glad we did it. We joked along the way, we tackled a project together that did not have kids in it. And even the fears I faced. I had joked half way through the hike that I had so much to blog about this because at every turn I would see a life application!
As silly as this may sound to some of you - I felt so vulnerable at that time, and so afraid too - and I realize that in the city, and comfort of my home, I strive to never get myself into situations where I would feel so 'naked' and 'needed'. But there was some beauty in being vulnerable.
You see my tendency was to simply look at my feet, and where I would step next. And though necessary, I realized in life just as in hiking, I need to look up too or else I would get lost. I would miss on White Markers in life if I was too afraid of tripping and my head stayed glued to only what was right in front of my feet!
My rod - my stick - what a great reminder of little 'insignificant' helps along the way. That little rod helped me through difficult trails and roads and gave me confidents to make big and small steps alike!
My compass - my husband was my navigational tool. And I was reminded that in life, just as in my hike, I needed to trust more. And sometimes God needs to put me in a vulnerable scary situation in order for me to trust more. Sometimes, my job isn't to ask questions. It is to simply keep my eyes on Him, to keep up with Him (and by the way, my husband would never go off without waiting for me - he would every so often check on how I was doing - and so does God!), and to let Him guide me!
The map - We had a map but it didn't contain details. I am a person that tends to like to know things before hand. To work with generalities is not in my nature. I need to have the feeling that I have a good grasp on where I am heading...but this experience reminded me that though in life we are given direction...and helps along the way...sometimes I just have to go with what I've got and trust that with each step of faith taken, more will be revealed. In a way, if I had known the trek ahead of me, I would have never suggested it to my husband and instead would have set up a spa appointment at the Inn!
I am in a weird way, glad God let me feel fear. It was a good spot to be (for 2 hours ^_^) in order to have this adventure with my husband. We both enjoyed it quite a bit - and we had a good laugh at my expense during dinner time -
What are my fears right now? What are my White Markers? Is anyone walking ahead of me? What kind of a trek am I going through? Do I have a rod to rely on? Do I have a guide to follow? Have I paused and looked up to see where my journey in life has placed me? What is the 'scenery' like, or am I too preoccupied to just watched where I am stepping? Can I smile in the midst of fear and vulnerability?
All these are good questions I remind myself every time I think back to this adventure - alongside the great time we had together -- and yes, I did get to enjoy a fine dinner afterwards and a warm and nice sleep at night.
I did take him a HUGE mosquito bit - that turned into an allergic reaction - too.
Comments