I lost ... and I gained...
This is a part of my journey so far in life that was both confusing, stretching and yet rewarding. Up until yesterday I think it had been overshadowed by all the challenges we faced after the birth of our first son. But as I sit here in a college during our church's first retreat, while my beautiful son next room draws and my serene daughter sleeps beside me, and as I ponder and ask God to impress in my heart things that matter to Him, I am drawn back to this part of my journey.
I share this because I know I'm not the only one who has gone and will go through such a thing. And I want my children one day to know what mommy and daddy did when they faced loss and loneliness so that they may know they are not alone, and that many others have gone before them...and even more importantly, that they may understand that regardless of the loss, God is a real God, a loving God and one who continues to love...
The year was 2005 and after some weeks of struggling I had decided to quit my perfectly fine job. I had no reason to quit other than because I felt a very strong sense Jesus was asking me to take a leap of faith: give up the job, security and status and exchange it to living out by faith. He told me "see what I do next, but I won't show you till you do this first"
Mind you, the decision should not have been that hard -- my husband still had a job and he supported me no matter what my decision was. Yet, I don't think it was so much the extra income that I had trouble letting go. Rather, I think it was because I had let my career define me, make me feel good about myself and give me status. That...was hard to let go.
After much debate I typed and sent my resignation letter. I had no good reason to give other than feeling compelled by Jesus to do so. Crazy and weird. Years later, my own uncle confided in me what probably a lot of people thought about this decision. He told me recently "When I heard you say you were quitting because Jesus told you, I thought you were crazy" - he did not mean it as a joke.
A month after my last day, I found out I was pregnant. I was elated. "This must have been why I had to quit" - I thought to myself. I did what a lot of new moms-to-be probably do. I took pictures of my belly, I read how small my baby was weekly and I started telling people.
But about 8-9 weeks into the pregnancy the unimaginable happened. I lost the baby in a miscarriage and the subsequent days after being told the baby was not growing inside me anymore were painful and lonely. When we first had hints that something was amiss I called my husband who was still traveling overseas for work. He tried to find the fastest flight home but the hours between that call and actually holding and seeing him seemed an eternity. "Was this really happening Lord?" - I asked.
And then, I began to feel guilty. Guilty that I may have 'done' something to make this happen. I knew that was not possible but I still felt guilty. The guilt and sense of impending loss overwhelmed me. The fear of the unknown crippled me. I called a High School friend who was an OB/GYN in the States and just cried and cried.
After my husband got home and we confirmed the miscarriage, we made the decision to let nature take its course. It was such a hard thing to do because that meant not taking matters into my own hands and letting nature decide when this would be over. No hospitals, no medicine. Just continue living and my body would tell me when the time would come...as if one could continue 'living' knowing my baby was no longer living inside me.
So I tried to carry on with life...but it was nearly impossible. With no real support group around us at the time, I did not know what to do. I did not know if I needed to grief, and if so, what did that look like?
I asked God WHY...why did He tell me to quit my job, be elated with this pregnancy only to take it away. Why all this pain and guilt and loneliness. Why why why.
After sitting in our little apartment for about 5 or 6 days, the real physical pain from the miscarriage finally arrived. It was pain I have never experienced before (I would learn later that the pain is actually very similar to that of child birth). I was so scared. I felt so helpless and alone even though my husband was right there with me. The entire ordeal probably lasted for about 6 hours or so? I can't remember now, only that half way through my husband fell asleep from exhaustion on my lap. I let him sleep...there seemed to be no point in having him awake by then.
And then...it was over. Just like that. Baby was no more. And I was supposed to heal somehow and carry on with life.
Life was surreal for a while. The pain of having to tell people the baby was no more was agonizing and embarrassing. It was awkward for us and for the people receiving the news.
But one thing I knew deep inside: God had not made a mistake and He was asking us to hold onto Him. I knew He was there with us, grieving with us. There are things I will never understand but I trusted He allowed this loss for a reason. He knows what is best for us. He was asking me to trust in Him even through loss, grieve and loneliness. Could I do that? Did I really believe that God still cared?
I did - but it was not easy. And I began to pour through the Bible, asking God to speak to me loudly, to give me strength to move on, to teach me how to grieve.
And I was directed to 1 Samuel.
I identified with Hannah, Samuel's mom. I read and re-read 1 Samuel Chapter one more times than I have ever read.
I share this because I know I'm not the only one who has gone and will go through such a thing. And I want my children one day to know what mommy and daddy did when they faced loss and loneliness so that they may know they are not alone, and that many others have gone before them...and even more importantly, that they may understand that regardless of the loss, God is a real God, a loving God and one who continues to love...
The year was 2005 and after some weeks of struggling I had decided to quit my perfectly fine job. I had no reason to quit other than because I felt a very strong sense Jesus was asking me to take a leap of faith: give up the job, security and status and exchange it to living out by faith. He told me "see what I do next, but I won't show you till you do this first"
Mind you, the decision should not have been that hard -- my husband still had a job and he supported me no matter what my decision was. Yet, I don't think it was so much the extra income that I had trouble letting go. Rather, I think it was because I had let my career define me, make me feel good about myself and give me status. That...was hard to let go.
After much debate I typed and sent my resignation letter. I had no good reason to give other than feeling compelled by Jesus to do so. Crazy and weird. Years later, my own uncle confided in me what probably a lot of people thought about this decision. He told me recently "When I heard you say you were quitting because Jesus told you, I thought you were crazy" - he did not mean it as a joke.
A month after my last day, I found out I was pregnant. I was elated. "This must have been why I had to quit" - I thought to myself. I did what a lot of new moms-to-be probably do. I took pictures of my belly, I read how small my baby was weekly and I started telling people.
But about 8-9 weeks into the pregnancy the unimaginable happened. I lost the baby in a miscarriage and the subsequent days after being told the baby was not growing inside me anymore were painful and lonely. When we first had hints that something was amiss I called my husband who was still traveling overseas for work. He tried to find the fastest flight home but the hours between that call and actually holding and seeing him seemed an eternity. "Was this really happening Lord?" - I asked.
And then, I began to feel guilty. Guilty that I may have 'done' something to make this happen. I knew that was not possible but I still felt guilty. The guilt and sense of impending loss overwhelmed me. The fear of the unknown crippled me. I called a High School friend who was an OB/GYN in the States and just cried and cried.
After my husband got home and we confirmed the miscarriage, we made the decision to let nature take its course. It was such a hard thing to do because that meant not taking matters into my own hands and letting nature decide when this would be over. No hospitals, no medicine. Just continue living and my body would tell me when the time would come...as if one could continue 'living' knowing my baby was no longer living inside me.
So I tried to carry on with life...but it was nearly impossible. With no real support group around us at the time, I did not know what to do. I did not know if I needed to grief, and if so, what did that look like?
I asked God WHY...why did He tell me to quit my job, be elated with this pregnancy only to take it away. Why all this pain and guilt and loneliness. Why why why.
After sitting in our little apartment for about 5 or 6 days, the real physical pain from the miscarriage finally arrived. It was pain I have never experienced before (I would learn later that the pain is actually very similar to that of child birth). I was so scared. I felt so helpless and alone even though my husband was right there with me. The entire ordeal probably lasted for about 6 hours or so? I can't remember now, only that half way through my husband fell asleep from exhaustion on my lap. I let him sleep...there seemed to be no point in having him awake by then.
And then...it was over. Just like that. Baby was no more. And I was supposed to heal somehow and carry on with life.
Life was surreal for a while. The pain of having to tell people the baby was no more was agonizing and embarrassing. It was awkward for us and for the people receiving the news.
But one thing I knew deep inside: God had not made a mistake and He was asking us to hold onto Him. I knew He was there with us, grieving with us. There are things I will never understand but I trusted He allowed this loss for a reason. He knows what is best for us. He was asking me to trust in Him even through loss, grieve and loneliness. Could I do that? Did I really believe that God still cared?
I did - but it was not easy. And I began to pour through the Bible, asking God to speak to me loudly, to give me strength to move on, to teach me how to grieve.
And I was directed to 1 Samuel.
I identified with Hannah, Samuel's mom. I read and re-read 1 Samuel Chapter one more times than I have ever read.
“Why are you crying, Hannah?” Elkanah would ask. “Why aren’t you eating? Why be downhearted just because you have no children? You have me—isn’t that better than having ten sons?”Hannah’s Prayer for a Son9 Once after a sacrificial meal at Shiloh, Hannah got up and went to pray. Eli the priest was sitting at his customary place beside the entrance of the Tabernacle.[d] 10 Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord. 11 And she made this vow: “O Lordof Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime, and as a sign that he has been dedicated to the Lord, his hair will never be cut.[e]”
And on a night after the miscarriage, I made a promise to God. I told Him this phase in my life sucked...it hurt...it was horrible. I had no job to rely on to define me, I was sitting at home alone, and I had no baby inside me. But despite it all I believed in God's sovereignty, love and care for us, despite what life brings around. So I said Hannah's prayer. If the Lord deems it OK, and grants us a child, I would name him Samuel and would dedicate myself to raise Him up to be a man of God, to serve Him and follow Him.
About month after this prayer, I was pregnant again and Samuel joined our family 3 days after our 4th wedding anniversary, on a Saturday in November.
People often think we named my son Samuel because both my husband and I have names that begin with "S". No, this is the reason we named him Samuel. For some reason I always knew it was going to be a boy.
Loss and Grieve is hard to live with. By nature we want to run away from it - who would be crazy enough to 'seek' loss and grieve!? But God, in His loving kindness was teaching us and was preparing us for Samuel and Sarah, and for life with Him.
Life is a gift from God. We say it but how often do we really believe it and live every moment believing it? How often have I heard couples share they were preparing everything to make sure when they are 'ready' to have a child, the child would have what he/she needed? Even we have thought and lived life that way. Yet after my experience, God really reminded me ... it is not for us to decide when or even IF we would have a child ... it is all in His plans, not ours. Life is indeed a miracle...so many things must come together right for a baby to be born after 9 months of pregnancy.
Life is a gift from God. We say it but how often do we really believe it and live every moment believing it? How often have I heard couples share they were preparing everything to make sure when they are 'ready' to have a child, the child would have what he/she needed? Even we have thought and lived life that way. Yet after my experience, God really reminded me ... it is not for us to decide when or even IF we would have a child ... it is all in His plans, not ours. Life is indeed a miracle...so many things must come together right for a baby to be born after 9 months of pregnancy.
Every so often I still wonder who that little baby would have been like. Boy? Girl? Introverted? Extroverted? God had His reasons for letting us know our first baby for only 8 months. I've faced enough in life that I have witnessed His amazing, crazy, out of this world kind of love. Some people might say I'm too naive. I call it faith. I call it freedom. I don't have to worry about it all because my Father is taking good care of everything...and I mean everything.
I am content and at peace to know God has all the reasons. He has showed some of the reasons already, and maybe one day when I meet my Lord in Heaven He will tell me more....and I imagine my baby will be there to hear it all...
I am content and at peace to know God has all the reasons. He has showed some of the reasons already, and maybe one day when I meet my Lord in Heaven He will tell me more....and I imagine my baby will be there to hear it all...
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| Our first blessing: Samuel |
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| Our second blessing: Sarah |
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