Report Card Time

We are in the middle of the summer and I've had this thought since end of June, but life is busy and so it's only now that I get to write down my thoughts.

It was end of June.  The kids were looking forward to summer vacation.  I was dreading figuring out what to do with the kids all summer and where to put them while I work.  But both of us were looking forward to a break from school.

And on the last week of school you get the REPORT CARD.  The one piece of paper that is supposed to give you some reassurance that all the hard work has paid off.  That one piece of paper is supposed to boost MY confidence that I was a good mom.  That my kids are on the right track.  That they are doing well.  That there is something I can be proud of.

Yes, I know this doesn't sound right, but perhaps I'm not the only one on earth that feels this way?

I have blogged before about the first time I received my kids' report cards here....and I continue to learn from this.

But tonight my thoughts twirled around myself.  If I had a teacher and he had to give me a report card...or let's not be too harsh, if he were to write me a PROGRESS REPORT, what would I find in it?

So I reflect upon this last school year...as a mother.

What "work habits" have I exhibited?  What do I need to work on?

What "skills" do I excell at?  What have I struggled with?

What would my Teacher's comments be as I take a break for 2 months before entering a new school year???

I believe God is our Teacher, and each one of us continues to have lessons we ought to learn.  The "course" is customized for us, and He is patient enough...He is in no rush to cover the entire curriculum in one year!

But, we often forget that there are lessons let alone a course.

So, if we aren't aware of our course and lessons, how could we know what our Teacher expects from us?  And if we don't know that, how could we even know what our report cards would show?

In reflecting this past year, I see a few things...and I hear my Teacher's feedback.

1.  Go with the flow.  It's been a year of change.  I have tried my best to juggle through the changes and I have learned to adjust and 'go with the flow'

2.  I have learned to do what I say.  I often tell people to reach out to me if they need help.  Well, truth be told, asking for help is a humbling activity and I discovered that with age, my pride can take a beating when asking for help even crosses my mind.  I had to learn and accept that there is still too much pride in me and asking for help has helped me learn.

3.  Laugh.  I've learned to have a sense of humour over things.  Life is messy and life is complicated and sometimes being organized, responsible and thoughtful just isn't going to get you through.  I'm learning to just laugh through the tough times (and good times).

4.  Breathe before acting.  Coming home tired only to find kids still need you is not an easy thing.  There's been so many days this year where I wished they were still toddlers.  Sometimes I just wanted to skip the 3-6 PM slot.  Sometimes I've wished for the kids not to have an ability to speak.  Sometimes I had wished for them to not ask me for anything.  And truth be told, I have yelled, I have had my share of tantrums in front of them and everything in between.  I'm learning, though, that succumbing to anger just makes things worse.

5.  Ask for forgiveness.  When things have gone wrong (and they have...) I had to learn to ask for forgiveness.  I had to see how bad my attitude, words and actions have been.  I had to swallow my pride and I had to ask my kids to forgive me.  If my Teacher was assessing my Progress only based on how many times I've done right compared to how many wrongs I've done this year, I would be doomed.  But I'm thankful.  His assessment is on Progress.  His assessment and learning expectations are not the same as mine.

6.  Don't compare.  I have to admit I didn't meet my Teacher's expectations on this one.  If He were to give me a mark, I might have gotten a D on this one this term.  In the midst of the life stage changes and adjusting and adapting, I found myself disconnected with support.  Or, perhaps it wasn't disconnect in the physical sense.  But I felt very disconnected emotionally and spiritually.  I felt my life and what I cared about had changed and I had less and less in common with some.  But the pitfall, as I reflect, was that I was comparing.  And that comparing and choosing to highlight the disconnection led me, throughout the year, to CHOOSE to be miserable, or lonely.  I CHOSE to whine to my Teacher and to covet other people's lives (or what I chose to see as their blessings).  That led to me eventually segregating myself, which fed into desire to compare.

7.  Don't give up.  This is an area I definitely know my Teacher would give me a C or D.  I still feel passionate about being Salt and Light in this world.  And 'this world' right now means partly that my life intersects my kids' lives.  And my kids' lives intersects with the people at their school.  This year I had trouble being involved in school council.  I had lost my fire and passion.  I was discouraged.  I was apathetic.  And I started comparing (see the relationships with above?).  And I stopped attending meetings and events.  And that made it worse.  And towards the end, I had become critical.  This is not what my Teacher wanted me to learn.  But now that I see back, I am asking for forgiveness and a new renewed focus and passion paired with better attitude for the year coming up.  There are a million reasons I could give myself to not join school council:  does it matter?, I might not have clicked with some people this year, I was a very busy mom this year, I had other priorities (did I?), I was tired, etc. etc.  But if I dig deep enough, I know these were all excuses.  I might be the only one (or sometimes that might just feel that way) but if my Teacher wants me to learn collaboration, I must press on.


When I look back to this year, I see a mom who tried her best to adjust to changes in life.  I see a mom who had moments she is not proud of, and what makes these moments hard is the notion that her kids saw her.  I also see a mom who learned what it truly means to be family, to love, to forgive, to have fun and to share.  I see a mom who has cried so many times because of her loneliness, tiredness, frustration and worries but that each time, the Teacher would come and comfort, remind, teach, speak truth and give hope.  He loves my children more than I do and I have to trust that He will take care of them.  I have expectations that need to be submitted under His Lordship.  And I see a mom who knows she's been called to be much more than a mom - so many people do not know God, our Teacher, is our strength and hope.  God has called this mom to hear how the Teacher leads me to serve Him...even if things are hard, even if things don't fit my expectations, and even if I want to give up.

It's been a good year - what I'm finding out is every year is a good year if and when I am mindful of my lessons.   The year used to be good or bad solely based on results based on my OWN expectations and outcomes.  That led always to disappointments, shame, embarrassment, because we never fully measure up.

The joy lies not in achieving all the goals.  But in finding out the Learning Outcomes that are Eternal and that Give true Joy, and in acting on it and hearing the Teacher's feedback, whether we have Passed or Failed.

In many ways, there is no Report Card, but only a Progress Report.  And in many ways, there are no Teacher-Parent Conferences but Daily Heart to Heart Conversations.

I am not a super mom...and being one isn't in the curriculum.  I am not a bad mom...and being one doesn't get me kicked out of Life School.  What matters, in the end, is hanging on tight to the Lord, my Teacher, my Master and my God.  To keep on listening and doing as He says....

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" James 1:19