Anything but Jealous!

“What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator.

    Does a clay pot argue with its maker?

Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying,

    ‘Stop, you’re doing it wrong!’

Does the pot exclaim,‘How clumsy can you be?"

Isaiah 45:9 (NLT)

Can this be?

It's been a while since my last post, and for a reason.  I have been learning a very tough lesson.

God's latest lesson for me to notice, observe, take notes on, pray for, and confess and change is one that has been very very tough to swallow.

JEALOUSY

I have never considered myself a jealous person.  I have coveted, I have loved money, I have trusted in myself more than Him, I have used work and ministry as idols to boost my insecurities and so much more.

But jealousy?  No!  I've always considered myself a nice person - one that celebrates others' achievements, successes, and happiness.

So imagine my shock when God brought THIS to my attention and caused me to see this in myself.  And once I took notice, there was no going back.  The truth  - what I witnessed in myself - was hard to see and admit.

NOT INVITED...

It all started one innocent night while perusing through social media.   I saw a picture of some friends' night out.  They went out for a nice night out...without me.  

I caught myself off guard - I saw the picture, and immediately felt a rush of emotion that was UNCOMFORTABLE.

Was I feeling jealous???


I wasn't happy to see them have a good night.  I wasn't glad they were able to find time to get together.  What consumed me was the thought that I was not invited and that I didn't know about their plans.

But I also knew for a fact that if I was invited, I would have turned down the invitation.

So I was confused.  I asked the Lord if I didn't (and couldn't) want to go, why was I feeling jealous?

MORE EXAMPLES...

I had no answers, only that I had begun noticing how frequent I was jealous.  It felt so uncomfortable to suddenly SEE it with my own eyes how wrong I was, and yet not knowing what God wanted from me.  I saw myself jealous,

- of other coworkers whenever people praised their work

- when people shared they were thankful for other friends' help in their lives

- jealous of other people's families

- of other people's kids' report card results

- of friends having fun

- of people who simply had what I didn't have:  money, time, friendships, love, possessions, talents....and the ugly list went on and on

And I noticed...at some point I had stopped counting my blessings and invited my old self back in.  I stopped celebrating what God was doing in others and instead started whining in my heart.  Every photo I saw on social media was causing me to feel this way:  I felt yucky inside.

At first, I ignored these moments.  They were never long so I told myself I was not in any trouble.  But you know God has an agenda when He relentlessly presses you on the same thing.   

DIGGING DEEPER...

It's been literally a few months since I started noticing JEALOUSY in my life but I really didn't know what to make out of this.  I felt guilty for feeling this way.  I was confused as to what I needed to do.  There were moments I cried out to God to just tell me what He wanted.  Why did He want me to go through all this?  Why not just say "Sandy, get rid of your jealousy cause it's no good?"

But this is the amazing thing about my God:  He doesn't just force things on me.  He walks us through the process so that we may "get" what He is trying to teach us.  And then, we will "Own" it.

Just knowing I have 'jealousy issues' was not going to help me deepen my relationship with Him. He reminds us:  I'm the Teacher...You are the Follower.  Follow me as I take you on this journey to discover a deeper life.

And deep in my heart, I could hear His still voice reassuring me:  it is going to sting but I have great plans for you!  Press on!  Keep listening!

As the days and weeks progressed, I realized this was NOT a new problem I had.  God took me to the past...to times when I had been jealous before, and I kept going further and further, deeper and deeper into my past.  Things that I had forgotten started to resurface:

- I had been jealous of my own kids when they were born because I felt they robbed me from attention from people I loved

- I had been jealous of my brother when He placed higher in his class than I 

- I had been jealous of friends' nice physical appearance at different stages in life

- I had been jealous of people's many talents and accolades

- I had been jealous of friends' freedom to choose whatever they wanted in life (or so I thought)

And the list went on and on...until I unlocked the last of my childhood memories:  I had been jealous of my brother the day he was born.

God was revealing in me one simple principle in this journey into becoming His follower: 



 Transformation needs to start with me acknowledging my faults and sins and Identifying all of them, up to the first time it surfaced.

THE REVELATION:  ROOTS

Soon after, I realized a lot of these moments were caused by even uglier things:

- I felt entitled to happiness the way I want it.
- I felt insecure about love
- I felt threatened by other people's achievements.
- I was fueled by attention and praise
- Money still has a deep hold on me and I still see it as a means to happiness
- I crave control
- I fear good things in my life will be taken away from me

AND worst of all...

I realized I placed all these things higher than God.  

I was telling God, He wasn't enough:  

                I need my friends' love and attention;
                                   I need to be successful at work, at home, at church
                                                   I need to make enough money to get me what I need
                                                                 I need to feel accepted and acknowledged
                                                                         I need order and control in my life..........

In other words, I was telling God, in my jealousy....

You Alone are NOT enough
But what I failed to see was that NONE of these were needs...I simply disguised them from my real 'wants'

"Are you seeking great things for yourself? Don’t do it! I will bring great disaster upon all these people; but I will give you your life as a reward wherever you go. I, the Lord, have spoken!’" Jeremiah 45:5

SELF-PITY

God reminded me I've always felt jealous for as long as I have lived (pretty much).  That was NOT the main lesson.  That was simply a means to a greater end.  He kept promising me of that, and to keep on praying and listening and talking to Him.  

My issue at the time was this - and this, I believe, was one of the main reasons God needed to address jealousy in me at this time - I was letting it Control me.  I was bathing in self-pity. I was craving self-pity and letting it consume me.  For as bad as I knew this was, I willingly went there - and for a brief second, it felt good.  I felt I was entitled to it.  I had good reasons for feeling jealous.

And the more  I felt sorry for myself, the more I was inward looking instead of upward looking, the more it consumed me, and the farther away it took me from God.

I felt I was entitled to be upset - I was entitled to crave for more .... (fill in the blanks...money, free time, friendships, success, accolades, etc)

Instead of seeing how God could be glorified at work, at home, in relationships and in life; instead of counting all my blessings and using them as fuel to continue loving God more; instead of bathing in that, and letting that Consume me, I was letting jealousy and self-pity consume me. 



This is not the kind of "sacrifice" God asks of His people.  He has called us to obey Him and follow Him, but when the sacrifice is out of our own strength and will, it will not be pleasing to Him, nor will it be glorifying to Him.  True godly sacrifice must produce joy, not bitterness.  It edifies, not tears down.  It gives peace, not distress.

YOU ARE HUMAN (AND I AM GOD)

Those were pretty dark revelations but they are needed in order for God to continue purging the yuck in us and to replace them with the beauty and meaning we were created for.  What followed were moments of guilt.  I felt I should be better; that I had disappointed God.  That I was a terrible person for feeling all this jealousy, entitlement, and coveting.  

But what came from this dark experience is something wonderful.  Promises.  Reminders.  Assurances.  And a deeper commitment to press on.

God reminded me that I was human.  It was so simple.  But I found it peacefully comforting.


He tells us all, in whatever gut we find ourselves in, to NOT fret - He simply wants to remind us, His children, that we are human.  There is still much to do for Him, because of all He has done for us.  But that 'doing' is designed to be paired up with His grace every minute of our day ("So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." Heb 4:16)  The pruning continues, in season.  He will never leave us nor forsake us.   If He is for us, who can be against us?

But before all of that, we need to accept and remember:  I am a faulty human being - and part of being that was accepting that Yes, I covet, I envy and I am jealous for all the wrong reasons .  

But, remember, our God is The Lord that Heals you - Jehovah Rapha
He said, “If you will listen carefully to the voice of the Lord your God and do what is right in his sight, obeying his commands and keeping all his decrees, then I will not make you suffer any of the diseases I sent on the Egyptians; for I am the Lord who heals you.” (Exodus 15:26 NLT)

I can't fix this by myself...but I know who can....and now that He has taken me on a journey to see how bad I am, I am ready for what is next...

REPENT AND SURRENDER

"Purify me from my sins,[a] and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow."  Psalm 51:7

And just when I thought all that pain was because He wanted to remind me He was there for me in my weakness, He follows it with more.

See you are jealous?  -   Yes, Lord, I see

See how long this has been taking root in you?  - Yes, Lord, I see it now

Remember, you are only human.  -  Ok, Lord, got it.  You are God

......

Now, what?

I had to repent.

Sin is sin, no matter what. I had to repent and surrender this part of me to Him anew

And here is one truth I have learned the longer I walk with the Lord:  Part of sanctification means 

• letting Him into each room in our hearts, even rooms we might not be aware of; 
• letting Him direct and lead the way to those rooms;
• letting Him show us what those rooms look like to Him, who has the perfect perspective on things; and
• letting Him overwhelm us with His love that the conviction of having disappointed Him will cause us to engage in TRUE repentance and TRUE confession

"So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. 9 Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy." James 4:7-9

GUARD YOURSELF

I am truly blessed.  God loves me so much that He died for me on the cross so that I may have a restored relationship with Him.  He has given me hope.

I fix my eyes on Him, and on Him alone.  When I do that, as the song says, "The things of this earth will grow strangely dim"

I don't deserve anything.  I'm not entitled to anything.  And yet He has given me everything that I need.  When I focus on Him, when I guard my heart against Satan, when I willingly resist the devil and when I willingly choose God over everything else I desire...then He will fill the deepest desires of my heart


Now, it's time to guard my heart. Transformation will happen every day, step by step.

CONTINUE THE GOOD WORK

And so, I feel another cycle is coming to an end.  That doesn't mean this will be the last time I'll see jealousy creep up in my life, but I have acknowledged this sin in me.  
I am, after all, a work in progress.  We all are.

Our job?  To listen, to respond, to follow.

He is faithful, and I will declare my faithfulness to Him, in my HUMAN-ness, in my brokenness, He indeed makes me complete.

He is all I need.  

I needed to See what I did
I needed to Feel how it hurt Him
I needed to Say I am sorry
I needed to Hear I am forgiven
I needed to Do something about it; and
I needed to Surrender all of me to Him

"Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised." Heb 10:36 (NLT)