Ordinary Parent, Ordinary Days, Ordinary Kid
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My kid....MY KID...got in trouble....Many times this week.
S-I-G-H
As one of the teachers said, incredulous, "YOUR kid?"
Yes, MY KID.
He had misbehaved 3 times in 2 days. One of the infractions got him into the principal's office.
S-I-G-H
Sandy, YOUR kid is ordinary. He makes mistakes. He is not perfect.
Why is this so hard to accept?
*********
*********
This parent has observed, experienced and learned a few of lessons this week....
1) Accept the Ordinary in order to be Extraordinary.
We all want our kids to be extraordinary. Admit it. We don't only want them to be average. We secretly want them to be the best in their class, in the sports team and in the music recital. We all want to help our kids discover their talents, gifts and potentials (or whatever you want to call it) and want to encourage them to believe in themselves. And there is nothing wrong with that.
But an extraordinary person must begin by accepting his/her ordinariness. Don't replace Ordinary with Extraordinary. Extraordinary isn't the new Ordinary. No. That is a lie.
In order to be extraordinary, I have to accept that I am ordinary, and as such I will fail and make mistakes. I should have been spending more quality time with my kids after school. I should not label my kids or call them names that puts them down. I should not give in to nagging. I should not scream at the kids. The list goes on.
My kid is also ordinary. He has misbehaved. He has disobeyed. He has been mean before. He has been impolite.
And...yes, we live ordinary lives. Ordinary + Ordinary = More Ordinary
When we choose to embrace our ordinariness we will be able to journey through the road to extraordinariness.
2) Perspectives Change Priorities and Fuel Energy.
Sometimes we dream of extraordinary simply because we are just so tired. Embracing the journey requires so much energy you feel you don't have.
But when your kid's principal and teacher talks to you about misbehaviour, as a mother, you cannot help but respond. Overnight my priorities changed. I felt disappointment, fear, worry, guilt, embarrassment, and confusion. Talking with my kid about his school day was no longer optional but mandatory. I had to make time for it. I had to find the energy to engage with my kid. I had to re-prioritize my to-do list.
Suddenly, a new sense of urgency and importance took precedence. Yes, my kid is ordinary. Yes, I need the journey. But now I need the energy to live through it.
The funny thing was, energy that week was a lot easier to find. It was not because I had slept more the night before, but because all of a sudden I felt that the well being of my child was at stake. And with THAT perspective, it became an obvious choice to put aside my iphone, facebook or email so that I could spend quality time with him after school.
3) Try Something New but Ordinary methods
Sometimes we are in an aimless search for the perfect parenting tool or tip. We look for something extraordinary. A magic solution.
What if we are meant to simply try ordinary common-sense methods? What if the magic of becoming extraordinary parents come simply from our willingness to just try and see what happens? Because, perhaps in trying we give ourselves permission to mistakes. That as we fail forward we will discover secrets to long lasting change for us as parents, and for our kids too.
Conversation vs. Interrogation
There is an art to talking with your child in a constructive way. It doesn't happen automatically. Just because we ask them questions does not mean it would be GOOD for you or him. I was frustrated (and embarrassed) after talking with the school teacher and principal and I could have easily resorted to the typical WHY interrogation session. Not sure what that means? It often goes something like this:
I didn't want my son to feel helpless. After all, I was learning to accept ordinariness right? And he was telling me "Mom, I know it was wrong but I couldn't help it".
4) Teach and Live the Whole Truth...not half of it.
As we were talking about misbehaviours and what to do to change, one recurrent thing I kept hearing from my kids was:
"But mom, I can't help it"
...and actually, isn't that the truth? How many times have we wanted to do the right thing only to find ourselves misbehaving too? Poor kids, they get 'caught' doing wrong so much more frequently than us. When my husband points out a mistake I make, how do I respond? Surprisingly, in a very similar way:
"I know I know....you don't have to remind me. It just happened"
Isn't that the same thing???
And...isn't it true that sometimes "we just can't help it?"
The WHOLE truth, as I was talking with my kids, is this: We are sinners and that is why we need God to help us change. Without God, we just can't change. Without God, we cannot journey through the ordinary into the extraordinary and still come out of it joyous and filled
That is the whole truth ... and nothing but the truth.
And so with that we decided to look at our lives and we pointed out that we, even mommy, had slacked off reading God's word lately. Our prayers have been hollow and routine. We have been trying to change on our own...and failing miserably. In Christian Jargon...we had put God in a box. God had become a subject matter in the house.
Time to change and take God seriously again. This has meant committing again to:
- praying like we mean it
- reading God's word
- discussing what we are learning from God
- asking God to help change the aspects in our ordinariness that needs grooming and pruning
- praying for my kids while they are at school (not just rejoicing to be kid free for a few hours)
***********
I don't want to bore you to death....there is so much more I am still digesting, learning, processing. It's a humbling process, but God has given me these kids to guide and teach but also so that I may learn and listen. We are all ordinary so that we can become extraordinary, if we let God transform us. From the little one in the house to the oldest one in the family.
The journey goes on. The failures and disappointments will continue to come. But there is HOPE. The ONLY GUARANTEE I have in this journey is that GOD IS WITH US - EMMANUEL. He is going to raise the red flags for us when we wonder off. He is going to show us change when we are discouraged. He will lead us to truth about who we are when we feel defeated. He will be my guide, my hope, my shield...and ultimately, our family's saviour.
My kid....MY KID...got in trouble....Many times this week.
S-I-G-H
As one of the teachers said, incredulous, "YOUR kid?"
Yes, MY KID.
He had misbehaved 3 times in 2 days. One of the infractions got him into the principal's office.
S-I-G-H
Sandy, YOUR kid is ordinary. He makes mistakes. He is not perfect.
Why is this so hard to accept?
*********
All of us dream that our kids will turn out fine and become amazing and extraordinary human beings.
Though we say our kids aren't perfect, deep inside, we hold onto the dream that perhaps...just perhaps... they could be immune to sin, to faltering, and to simply being less than perfect.
We have embraced the dream and have rejected the journey to get them there. We have, in turn, converted what was designed to be a journey of witnessing a miracle happen (ie. transformation from ordinary to extraordinary) and chosen every day to wish and believe our kids will not need such a journey because being extraordinary is our version of the ordinary.
This week God reminded me otherwise. On this Mother's Day week I was reminded of many things about parenting. I have ordinary kids. I am an ordinary parent. And our family live an ordinary life. And yes, we cannot get to 'extraordinary' unless we choose to live the ordinary journey to being extraordinary.
Accept, Sandy...Accept ordinary First. Accept the less-than-perfect-and-downright-embarrassing-traits you see in yourself as a parent and in your child. And EMBRACE the Journey. Know each stage you step into and out of, feel every feeling each stage brings, accept all the mistakes, deficiencies and weaknesses you see...and then...see the miracle happen!
*********
This parent has observed, experienced and learned a few of lessons this week....
1) Accept the Ordinary in order to be Extraordinary.
We all want our kids to be extraordinary. Admit it. We don't only want them to be average. We secretly want them to be the best in their class, in the sports team and in the music recital. We all want to help our kids discover their talents, gifts and potentials (or whatever you want to call it) and want to encourage them to believe in themselves. And there is nothing wrong with that.
But an extraordinary person must begin by accepting his/her ordinariness. Don't replace Ordinary with Extraordinary. Extraordinary isn't the new Ordinary. No. That is a lie.
In order to be extraordinary, I have to accept that I am ordinary, and as such I will fail and make mistakes. I should have been spending more quality time with my kids after school. I should not label my kids or call them names that puts them down. I should not give in to nagging. I should not scream at the kids. The list goes on.
My kid is also ordinary. He has misbehaved. He has disobeyed. He has been mean before. He has been impolite.
And...yes, we live ordinary lives. Ordinary + Ordinary = More Ordinary
When we choose to embrace our ordinariness we will be able to journey through the road to extraordinariness.
2) Perspectives Change Priorities and Fuel Energy.
Sometimes we dream of extraordinary simply because we are just so tired. Embracing the journey requires so much energy you feel you don't have.
But when your kid's principal and teacher talks to you about misbehaviour, as a mother, you cannot help but respond. Overnight my priorities changed. I felt disappointment, fear, worry, guilt, embarrassment, and confusion. Talking with my kid about his school day was no longer optional but mandatory. I had to make time for it. I had to find the energy to engage with my kid. I had to re-prioritize my to-do list.
Suddenly, a new sense of urgency and importance took precedence. Yes, my kid is ordinary. Yes, I need the journey. But now I need the energy to live through it.
The funny thing was, energy that week was a lot easier to find. It was not because I had slept more the night before, but because all of a sudden I felt that the well being of my child was at stake. And with THAT perspective, it became an obvious choice to put aside my iphone, facebook or email so that I could spend quality time with him after school.
3) Try Something New but Ordinary methods
Sometimes we are in an aimless search for the perfect parenting tool or tip. We look for something extraordinary. A magic solution.
What if we are meant to simply try ordinary common-sense methods? What if the magic of becoming extraordinary parents come simply from our willingness to just try and see what happens? Because, perhaps in trying we give ourselves permission to mistakes. That as we fail forward we will discover secrets to long lasting change for us as parents, and for our kids too.
Conversation vs. Interrogation
There is an art to talking with your child in a constructive way. It doesn't happen automatically. Just because we ask them questions does not mean it would be GOOD for you or him. I was frustrated (and embarrassed) after talking with the school teacher and principal and I could have easily resorted to the typical WHY interrogation session. Not sure what that means? It often goes something like this:
"Why did you kick the boy?" (as if answering that would pacify mommy's wrath)
"What is wrong with you?" ("what do you mean mom? - Something is wrong with me?")
"Why did you cry?" ("I felt like crying, why else do you think I'd cry!?")
"How many times have I told you to be good?" ("many times" - what is your next question?)
Thank God I'm not parenting alone. I knew the path I was about to embark with my son at home....so off to prayer. Use the breathing techniques I teach my child.
Breathe in....
Breathe out.... (three times)
And thank God He answers prayers. I had an abnormal peace and quiet in me all afternoon. We sat down, talked about what had happened in school and for once, I told myself "Sandy, shut up and just listen and love and shower your kid with grace"
So I listened. Don't stare at your computer or iphone when you are listening. Don't cook. Don't do anything else but look at your kid. Listen.
And I repeated what I thought I heard.
And I hugged and I touched and I hugged more and I talked with my child.
Let them Journey - Empower your child
I didn't want my son to feel helpless. After all, I was learning to accept ordinariness right? And he was telling me "Mom, I know it was wrong but I couldn't help it".
So we (notice it's "we") brainstormed on all the behaviours we did this week that were 'wrong'. He wrote them down. And then we talked about what made them 'wrong' and what he could do next time the situations were to happen again.
I read the list again. And I asked him to read it again.
We went through potential situations again, and we talked about what my son would do next time, and what point in his list would he be exercising (or not).
My goal: To help my son discover what he did wrong by himself, to feel safe discussing it with me AND feel empowered to make changes.
Don't Shun Tears
Just now, as I was writing this blog, I clearly realized my journey continues. I am glued to my computer while my son constantly nags me to ask me this and that.
I finally lost it and mommy had a very ordinary but faulty response.
Now I have a crying kid.
"Why are you crying!?" (Yes, I said it...again)
"I don't know" (Yes, he said it...again)
Breathe in....
Breathe out....
Finally, shut the computer off. Looked at my kid. Engage in conversation. And a new tool. I just downloaded a feelings chart. Let's use it and see what happens because clearly this interrogation method isn't going anywhere.
"Mom I thought you don't love me" (heart broken!)
"Why would you think I don't love you?"
"You were so mad"
(I want to say "But...do you realize you caused me to lose my cool?" - shut up Sandy....THINK and BREATHE before getting upset (See picture above))
"I am sorry son. I will always love you...No matter what"
Hugs and Kisses
Breathe in....
Breathe out....
TOGETHER
"How did we each feel just now?" (we chose something from the chart and talked)
"How do we feel now?" (we chose another picture)
Yes, Feel....and Share the feelings...
Consequences vs. Punishment
Part of accepting ordinariness and choosing to journey through the road to extraordinariness is also embracing the role of consequences (natural or logical). We talked about consequences and punishment and what they were. We agreed that my child's behaviour warranted consequences. And we agreed on what would seem to be a fair and logical consequence and what he thought might help him remember never to do this again: writing apology letters and no screen time for 5 days.
As it turned out I feel this was a lesson for me. I didn't know what to do with the kids now that there was no TV babysitter after dinner, a prime time for mommy's brain and eyes to shut down. But I had to do something - and in light of all I was learned, I finally pulled all the board games I have neatly arranged on the shelf and we turned after dinner time into family time.
Refreshing....
As it turned out I feel this was a lesson for me. I didn't know what to do with the kids now that there was no TV babysitter after dinner, a prime time for mommy's brain and eyes to shut down. But I had to do something - and in light of all I was learned, I finally pulled all the board games I have neatly arranged on the shelf and we turned after dinner time into family time.
Refreshing....
Taking Responsibility of Behaviour
For the next 3 days after pick up I tried something new (again). Instead of asking "What did you do today?" (because we KNOW what answer we'll get right? - why do we bother asking!??!?) I asked them:
"How was your day?" ("good", "so so", "awful")
"Can you tell me one thing that made it "good/awful?) ("I got a sticker", "We sang", "No homework")
"Can you tell me one behaviour you acted on that made your day "good/bad/so so?" ("I helped a kid during recess", "I stomped on the weeds and grass when my friends didn't play with me", "I listened to my teacher")
This developed into a conversation on behaviour and the importance of taking responsibility for our own actions. This was not easy and I still need to try more 'ordinary tricks' to feel like we are progressing in this area...but it was eye opening to hear from my kids their rationale for their behaviours and/or how they view and process situations they encounter daily. It also gave me an opportunity to remember that there are lots of other great things in my kids what merit highlighting and praising as well as teaching and correcting.
4) Teach and Live the Whole Truth...not half of it.
As we were talking about misbehaviours and what to do to change, one recurrent thing I kept hearing from my kids was:
"But mom, I can't help it"
...and actually, isn't that the truth? How many times have we wanted to do the right thing only to find ourselves misbehaving too? Poor kids, they get 'caught' doing wrong so much more frequently than us. When my husband points out a mistake I make, how do I respond? Surprisingly, in a very similar way:
"I know I know....you don't have to remind me. It just happened"
Isn't that the same thing???
And...isn't it true that sometimes "we just can't help it?"
The WHOLE truth, as I was talking with my kids, is this: We are sinners and that is why we need God to help us change. Without God, we just can't change. Without God, we cannot journey through the ordinary into the extraordinary and still come out of it joyous and filled
That is the whole truth ... and nothing but the truth.
And so with that we decided to look at our lives and we pointed out that we, even mommy, had slacked off reading God's word lately. Our prayers have been hollow and routine. We have been trying to change on our own...and failing miserably. In Christian Jargon...we had put God in a box. God had become a subject matter in the house.
Time to change and take God seriously again. This has meant committing again to:
- praying like we mean it
- reading God's word
- discussing what we are learning from God
- asking God to help change the aspects in our ordinariness that needs grooming and pruning
- praying for my kids while they are at school (not just rejoicing to be kid free for a few hours)
***********
I don't want to bore you to death....there is so much more I am still digesting, learning, processing. It's a humbling process, but God has given me these kids to guide and teach but also so that I may learn and listen. We are all ordinary so that we can become extraordinary, if we let God transform us. From the little one in the house to the oldest one in the family.
The journey goes on. The failures and disappointments will continue to come. But there is HOPE. The ONLY GUARANTEE I have in this journey is that GOD IS WITH US - EMMANUEL. He is going to raise the red flags for us when we wonder off. He is going to show us change when we are discouraged. He will lead us to truth about who we are when we feel defeated. He will be my guide, my hope, my shield...and ultimately, our family's saviour.
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