Confessions to Self

The LORD gives his people strength; 

the LORD grants his people security.  Psalm 29:11 (NET) 

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  

 I want to do what is right, but I can’t.  Romans 7:18 (NLT)

Dear self,

I know you've had a rough week.  I  know it was hard to hear people criticize your work.  I know you are letting that one person eat you up inside out even though you know you should not let anyone, let alone a stranger, define you.

But I also know that the issue lies way deeper than simply someone being upset at your work.  This was meant to transform you from the inside out.  That critique, dear self, was just the last straw that broke out pandora's box for you.

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What was inside Pandora's Box?

Insecurities about who you are.  And Fear - crippling, condemning, critical fear.

You feel you are caught up in this web, unable to get out of it - but what is holding you in?  Why do you feel trapped?  Why can't you get out?

Like an onion, whose sting gets stronger and stronger as you peel off the ever increasing thickened layers, you are facing each sensation, layer by layer, and taking a close look at each of them, analyzing it, labelling them for what they are, and bringing it all at the feet of Jesus.

Yes, God is using this experience to bring about TRANSFORMATION.  But it hurts.

So, to be free...I guess you have to find out exactly what stings so bad.

The thought that people discovered weaknesses and/or faults in you stings badly.

It stings to think that you cannot just let things go, ignore this nonsense and move on.  You have convinced yourself that this inability to move on makes you a weaker person.

It stings every time your mind wonders what makes you unique.  You tell your kids God made them unique and special...but sometimes you wonder secretly if you are unique and special.  And, when you do get a glance at the uniqueness God has gifted you - are you satisfied with them or do you wished for other traits instead?  

It stings each time you convince yourself the reason you have not nailed any job interviews is because you must not have much to contribute to anyone.  And to make things worse, it sickens you the thought that you have let having a paid job define your worth.  But no matter what you believe, here you are, feeling the sting.

It stings each time someone questions you on the reasons why you have let all your education "wash down the drain" because you no longer pursue a career with a nice shinny title and pristine printed business cards.  You know life is more than that, but it still stings.

You even feel the sting physically.  Each time you feel your back hurt again, or your elbows numb.  You have let even physical pain make you feel less as a person.

It stings when you feel the guilt inside you creep up each time you feel you are not doing enough at home - you hate feeling lazy or being perceived as lazy by others.  But wait a minute, aren't you doing a lot already?  Still, you feel the sting.

It stings each time you lose your temper on your kids - not only because of the effects on them - but also because somehow you feel you have failed in fulfilling your purpose as a mother.

It stings when you feel you should be working and contributing more into the finances of the household.  For some reason, you somehow convinced yourself that bringing more finances would bring more comfort and hence more happiness to the home.

It stings each time you catch yourself feeling jealous of people around you.  How dare you feel jealous of them, you ask yourself.  You tell yourself you should feel happy for them...but deep inside, there are days when you don't.

It stings to even think that if you were to share all these thoughts with anyone, people might think of you as emotionally, physically or even spiritually 'weak'.  The thought of being labelled weak is frightening.  Better to keep it to yourself.

And so...despite all you say you believe and want to live for, you let these things sting you and hold you back.  One by one you have secretly hidden them in your Pandora's Box.  And this week, as this situation causes you to open the box, you find yourself staring at them all, and you find yourself in pain.

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Is it a part of life to fail somedays as a parent? Yes.  Is is normal to stress out during tax season, Christmas time, or just anytime the bills come in?  Of course.  Is it understandable when sometimes one loses his/her identity because they are unable to find a job? Certainly.  Is is unheard of to find oneself feeling defined by how the world views them? I think that is normal.

You see, these and many more experiences in life can be tough.  But the problem isn't them, it's you.  And to name the culprit of all:

INSECURITY

You doubt about yourself.  Deep inside, there is a basic doubt in you that questions your basic worth.  You lack confidence of who you are and live in fear.

What are you afraid of?  Who are you afraid of?  What are you afraid of losing?

During this tough week, you have come face to face with these fears.  These 'stings' were just the outward faces of something much deeper inside.

You are afraid to lose relationships.  You are afraid of being replaced or hurt.  You are afraid to lose security.  You are afraid of rejection.  You are afraid to lose perfectionism and pride.  You are afraid to lose money and titles.  You are afraid of sickness and pain.  You are afraid to be singled out.  You are afraid to lose strength and vigor.  You are afraid people might have something you may not have.  

You have held onto these things instead of God for way too long.  It's time to recognize them before letting go so that Jesus can heal you inside out.

Jesus is asking "Can you follow me?  Do you trust me?  Every day, Every Hour.  Are you willing to deny, destroy and die to the parts of your life that will deter you from the amazing things I have for you?  Daily."

Because, after all, let's be honest.  You can't rescue yourself out of the insecurity pit.  You might want to, but you just can't.

You can try to ignore it.  You can try to focus on something positive.  You can tell it to go away.  You can try...but the only One who can cast out all fears is Jesus Himself.  As someone put it eloquently "Mark my word.  It's God that heals.  Time only tells" (Beth Moore)

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Yes, you will always have triggers of insecurity.  But you can choose whether or not to take the bait.  It won't be easy for there will be days when you will just want to soak into self pity.  And yet, you know the promises for hope and peace are right here, at the feet of Jesus.  Don't give in.  Don't let go of Jesus.

You can be worried without being insecure.  You let financial challenges turn into insecurities and fears about not having enough in life

God says to you "Am I not your provider?"  Am I not Yahweh-Yireh (“the Lord will provide”) (Genesis 22:14)?  Do you not see that I, your Heavenly Father, knows all you need (Matthew 6:31-32)?   


You can be mistaken without being insecure.  Don't let your mistakes in life turn intro insecurities and fears about your identity

God says to you "Can you let me love you just the way you are, with all the mistakes?  Would you let me make you complete?  I will never leave you nor abandon you.  Do you know you are of much more value that many sparrows?  (Luke 12:7)  

Don't let education, careers and titles be synonymous to being secured and worthy.  

God says to you "You are much more than your education, your career or a title...do you realize that I don't care about any of that?   'Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.'  Prov 3:5-6"

Don't let people's view of you shake your sense of security

God says to you "Long ago the Lord said to Israel:  I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself. (Jer 31:3)  Focus on pleasing God, not men 'And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you? He requires only that you fear the Lord your God, and live in a way that pleases him, and love him and serve him with all your heart and soul. (Deut 10:12)

You let physical, emotional and even spiritual perfection define you.  Weakness shakes your security.  

Instead, God says "I am perfect.  Aside from me there is no perfection.  'He is the Rock; his deeds are perfect. Everything he does is just and fair.He is a faithful God who does no wrong; how just and upright he is!' (Deut 32:4) and, 'I will be your God throughout your lifetime—until your hair is white with age.  I made you, and I will care for you.  I will carry you along and save you.'  (Isaiah 46:4)"

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Yes, the transformation requires identification of the deepest parts of you that still needs to be replaced with God.  It will still hurt and they may still mean facing real problems and disappointments.  But there is unsurmountable, true, foundational, and everlasting peace, liberty and security once we surrender these to the Lord, daily.

We don't need to fight alone.  (Well, we can't win alone!)  "Do not be afraid of the nations there, for the Lord your God will fight for you." (Deut 3:22), "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  (Jer 29:11) and “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” (Jer 1:5)

Dear Self...will you choose to die to self and  follow Jesus daily?

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Yes, it has been a rough week, but a week you would welcome any time.  In the midst of it all, God, in His infinite wisdom, allowed you to have the experiences you had so that you may feel pain.  You felt pain and sought Him.  You sought Him and He answered you and He demanded a response from you. You wrestled but at no time were you wrestling alone.  Even in the dark tearful nights, you were never alone because He was beside you, transforming you, inside out.

And in the end...the Lord transformed me.

Every day, dear self, every day.  It will take every day to grasp onto HOPE, PEACE and JOY.  You must choose Jesus every day.  You must choose to let go every day of the things that have a stronghold on you.  And as you continue living this life, God will change you inside out...

Choose wisdom to discern 

Choose humbleness to go into God's presence in prayer 

Choose to give yourself to someone greater than all these things - God. 

Choose to Trust God with yourself and everything else in your life you care for. 

Choose to "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) 

Choose to not fear  "[I] will have no fear of bad news; [my] heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.  [My] heart is secure, [I] will have no fear; in the end [I] will look in triumph on [my] foes" (Psalm 112:7-8) because God will work out all things (Romans 8:28), even when it might hurt, it will be beautiful 

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And if you are wondering...I chose to share this with you after all -- because it is in sharing that we are all meant to continue this journey called life.  It is in sharing that I find strength.  It is in sharing that God's name is given all the glory and honour it deserves.