Dream-Driven Life
Today I attended a mom's conference. The speaker was Helen Lee, from the book "the Missional mom". I think the book 'found' me while I was looking for books about missional life, to add to our missions ministry in our church. When I first found the book online and read the first chapter (free), I could not put it down. God used the book to redefine what motherhood ought to be for me, and perhaps to many like me. So when my girlfriend told me we had confirmed Helen to be our conference speaker, I was elated.
I knew God was going to do something amazing today - I just didn't know what. But for the last couple of weeks I've been struggling. I've been struggling with focus and purpose ... again. I felt a little lost and was feeling sorry for myself. I felt like a failure in many ways. I was feeling constantly like there was a cloud of sadness covering me.
So my prayer to God in the days approaching the conference was simple: uplift me, talk to me, tell me what is going on, and show me how to refocus on what matters to You, Lord.
The conference was a blessing. The worship was refreshing and reminded me of the God I follow, love and serve. Many things were said by Helen and other moms during our small group discussions that encouraged and challenged us. I was reminded that God has invited us to His mission, not motherhood only. That He has created each one of us (myself, my husband, my kids) for a specific purpose. He has DREAMS for us. (If you have not read her book, you should!)Dreams....
Do I dare to dream God's dream? In many ways I suppose I have been groomed too well by my Asian parents: I do not like change and surprises, I like stability, I do not 'dream' of things beyond what I think I can do. I do not dream big.
My life's purpose is not to pursue my dream or passion - that is what this culture suggests
My life's purpose is not to pursue stability, wealth and health - that is what my family suggests
My life's purpose is not to solely focus on raising godly kids as a Christian mother - that is what sometimes our churches seem to suggest
Instead, it is to discover what Dreams God has for me. It is for me to ask God to put His dream in my life so much so that it becomes My dream. More of Him and less of me, right? Only then will I be able to live life out loud....from Him, because of Him, and for Him.
When I heard this I did not have just a vague 'dare to dream the dream' moment.
For the past 2 weeks (perhaps more) I've been questioning my Sandy's Sweets adventure. I was not feeling at peace and though part of me felt like God might use a Sandy's Sweets 'bakery' as my 'city' (ref. Jeremiah 29:7) to which I could shine for Him, I felt intimidated by the thought. I did not feel that was a dream I owned. And with that realization I panicked and became very stressed.
What God reassured me today was this: He has Dreams for me bigger than what I can imagine. And He will not drag me into it without first giving me the Dream so that I can own it.
My response: Lord, I don't feel Sandy's Sweets is a dream I own yet. I have been blessed by it and you have shown me much but if this is indeed the platform for your dream for me, place it in my heart so that I may carry out the mission for you. If You want me to shine for you in some other way, in some other 'platform' or context, here I am Lord...let me know what that is, place the Dream in my dreams and let it flourish.
Focus...
I was reminded after our second session that the journey to saying "yes" to embracing God's mission as my/my family's mission will not be hardship-free. God will challenge me outside my comforts.
What I was going through in the last couple of weeks, partly at least, is also this: like Peter walking in the water towards Jesus in the Bible, I had been focused for a while. But then, just when I least noticed, I got distracted and stopped looking at Jesus. I was dragged by the culture surrounding me. I let fear cripple back into my life. I started comparing myself with others. I started criticizing myself. I rejected words of love from my Father. I felt I was not doing enough as a mother and wife. I reverted back to defining myself by my culture's standards...I felt I had no 'career', I questioned whether I was crazy for putting off my career for so long and if I would ever find a job again, I looked at my kids and chose to look at their weaknesses and wondered whether I had failed them, and I even looked at my bank account balance and started wondering what it would look like if I was working and brining in more money into the household account.
God's reminder: When the going gets tough, and there will be tough times, remember this: Satan is roaring around you every day. He will want to drag and sink you down. KEEP YOUR EYES ON JESUS day in and out.
The conference was all good but I wonder if some moms left feeling overwhelmed? What obstacles did we see as we heard God speak to us? Some of my thoughts...
- what if my husband does not get it, has no interest in this or worse yet, discourages me from pursuing this?
- I can't do it by myself; seems something only supermoms can do, I am barely surviving as it is
- I'm not good at anything, so what can I possibly do 'missionally'?
- I don't know where to start; seems daunting
- I simply do not care about the homeless people or people in Africa!
- I want and desire comfort and security, how do I reconcile that with missional living?
- I do not want to give up everything ... do I have to?
- I want my kids to have the American Dream, even if people tell me it is a hollow dream
- It's too hard - I'll burn out
I bet if we are all honest with ourselves we can come up with a long list of obstacles to God-given Dream-driven life...
I remember the first time I read Helen's book - I had to be honest to God before I even responded in any other way. Creating that list and lifting it up to God, and being Honest in front of Him was the beginning. Yes, I want my kids to love God but I also wanted them to be great piano players, softball players, mathematicians, readers and writers and swimmers. And when I am courageous enough to dig deep and be honest to myself, I know many times these desires for my kids' greatness has little to do with them learning to develop God-given skills so that they may use them to give glory to God.
I also had to come to God in humility and simply say "I want Your Dream for my kids (and me) but I am far from where I need to be. Please teach and guide me through this journey. Take away things that should not be there. Replace hindrances with love and assurances of your guidance."
I realized God was not giving me a 'to-do' list that I must attack like I attack everything else in my life. He simply wanted surrender so that for once I let Him control not only my life but my kids lives as well.
Choices...
I just blogged about mundane choices. Well, here are the choices that DO matter:
- I choose to love God with all my heart soul and mind
- I choose to put God first above all. Perhaps putting it this way is more meaningful: I choose to put my husband and my kids and myself Second, Third, Fourth...
- I choose to turn my home into a missional outpost and training field and place where people can see, sense, feel Jesus
- I choose to keep my eyes on Jesus every day, not only when I think it matters
- I choose to let go of my dreams for myself and my kids and replace them with God's dreams for us
- I choose to trust that God knows best...not me
- I choose to be bold and to live these God-given dreams out loud so that the world may know Jesus.
- I choose to fight my tendency to yearn for comfort, convenience, success and achievement and replace those values with God-given values this world may look down on. And I choose to live out these values out loud, not hide them.
- I choose to surround my family with other God-fearing families and individuals - to weep during the tough times and to celebrate in the good times.
- I choose to live out loud as a mom, wife, woman and most of all, as a child of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
In two words...I choose to
Love God
...and let that love be the driving force for a god-given dream-driven life
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