Let them vent
To vent: to express (an emotion) usually in a loud or angry manner
Do you let your kids vent in front of you?
But as the years went by, something strange happened.
I stopped accepting my kids' frustrations.
In my mind, they were signs of immaturity, selfishness and lack of independence.
Here is the irony.
I often complain to my husband that what I need more from him is not a problem solving machine. I need him to listen to me and to let me vent and 'get it out of the system.'
I tell him things like, "I just need to vent. Once I get it all out, my head will clear up."
Does this sound familiar?
Why is it, then, that I find it repulsive, embarrassing, and unacceptable, to see my kids vent?
If they don't vent with me, how and where do they "let it out of the system?"
This has been one of the many lessons I have been learning in the last month. As my kids go back to school, and as school work, friendships and hormones all collide into a teenage body, I was finding myself in arguments. Frustrated, my kids would say things like, "I didn't ask you to fix it", or "I just came and wanted you to know."
Instead, the minute I hear a tone or word that sounded even remotely like a 'venting' occurrence, my superhero persona would kick in and I would assume I was god himself.
I would assume I understood the problem. I would assume I understood his or her feelings, and I would literally and often physically take over the 'problem.'
All they wanted was to vent.
So, instead, one child learns to vent in their own room. They hide it from us, and all I may hear are sighs, screams or pouncing on tables.
Another child might raise their voice, tighten their bodies or shed tears of frustration.
And all I would do is ask "why are you...?" and "is this the right attitude?"
I would question, thinking I was wiser, "is this a good solution?"
Worse yet, sometimes I would tell them to go to their room and 'think about it' and 'calm down'. I would literally tell them I had NO EARS to hear his or her feelings.
None of this works. Why?
When they come, what are they REALLY needing from me, first and foremost? When I am frustrated and go to my best friend, spouse or someone I trust, what do I really want from them?
They just wanted to know someone acknowledges their frustration. That whatever their problems were, that it was HUMAN to feel frustrated, angry or upset. They just wanted to VENT and let all the negativity out of the system. They did not want my solution.
They wanted my ears, not my hands or mouth.
Give it a try.
Next time your tween or teen screams, yells, punches or sighs, if you were to let them vent, and tell you what is causing so much frustration and even anger, what would happen?
Yelling them back or asking them why they feel this way never works in my house.
So why not try something else?
Trust me. It is harder than you think. You will notice your head will be filled with accusations, judgment, and conclusions.
It does not want to hear the feeling.
But try to hold all of that.
Listen.
Don't listen to solve their problems.
Don't listen to teach them a lesson.
Don't listen to make them understand.
Just Listen,
to let them know YOU get how they are feeling
Repeat what you hear from them.
"I can see how frustrating that would be." (while you are thinking those words don't solve the problem)
"I would be upset too." (while you are thinking it would be more 'productive' to just solve the problem)
"He did that? Wow! No way!" (while you are thinking perhaps your child is the one who is misunderstanding the situation)
Hold your tongue from offering 'solutions'
See what happens.
Let SILENCE work its way.
You might be surprised.
I was surprised.
Then again, why am I surprised? That is what I crave for all the time and complain about not having enough.
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