Re-wired
The last 4 months have been a period of learning and stretching, and as I call it now, a time of 're-wiring’ some of the misplaced wires in my brain, my heart, my soul and my life. Sometimes the mind does tricks to you and now, four months after the battles and the hard work put into re-wiring, I look back and I sometimes wonder if I was ever, as Anne of Green Gables would say, in the “depths of despair”
And so, I will attempt to write down all I've experienced, as best and as humbly as I can, first, for my own benefit (because I WILL forget and will begin to doubt if they all just happened in my mind) and also hopefully, for you, whoever you are, so that it may inspire you to journey on.
Oh, but I was.
And so, I will attempt to write down all I've experienced, as best and as humbly as I can, first, for my own benefit (because I WILL forget and will begin to doubt if they all just happened in my mind) and also hopefully, for you, whoever you are, so that it may inspire you to journey on.
Summer happened, and I shared happy memories to everyone on Facebook. I shared great adventures with friends over coffee, and I even enjoyed all the blessings I had. But as I tried to explain it to my husband in early August, despite all my prayers, attempts to get distracted, to be more positive, to work out and eat healthy, I felt a ‘cloud’ of sadness pulling me down.
And I recognize that cloud. I’ve lived it before.
However, it was not a passing storm like many others I’ve seen come and go in the past. The longer I tried to ignore it, the t-h-i-c-k-e-r it seemed to get,
Something was wrong, but I kept telling myself to be 'strong', to put on a smile, to have 'faith', and to be 'grateful'
the deeper it dragged me down
and the DARKER everything, even things I knew were shiny and positive, became.
Something was wrong, but I kept telling myself to be 'strong', to put on a smile, to have 'faith', and to be 'grateful'
But I felt isolated, in the midst of a crowd.
I was weary even when there were not signs of causes to be weary. I felt hopeless - like things that I was anxious about would never be resolved. I felt helpless - like nothing I did or could do would make it better. And I felt like King Midas, except that instead of turning anything I touched into gold, I was turning anything I touched into mistakes, clay, gravel and dust. I felt like a failure.
I was weary even when there were not signs of causes to be weary. I felt hopeless - like things that I was anxious about would never be resolved. I felt helpless - like nothing I did or could do would make it better. And I felt like King Midas, except that instead of turning anything I touched into gold, I was turning anything I touched into mistakes, clay, gravel and dust. I felt like a failure.
I was frustrated and when my husband tried to help, I would lose my cool, unable to explain myself, because, as it turns out, even I myself did not fully comprehend what was happening. I needed to talk it out but I tried to ignore it.
I told myself 2018 was just a bad year. I prayed for more faith. But the cloud accused me; followed me; suffocated anything good out of me. I resented my husband for asking me and I resented him for not checking on me too. I felt like I was a walking contradiction.
When did all these things happen? While you were seeing my smiles, hearing my adventures and reading my posts. I wasn't trying to hide it, though. I honestly did not have the vocabulary nor the understanding to know how to share any of it to anyone.
I just felt stuck.
I told myself 2018 was just a bad year. I prayed for more faith. But the cloud accused me; followed me; suffocated anything good out of me. I resented my husband for asking me and I resented him for not checking on me too. I felt like I was a walking contradiction.
When did all these things happen? While you were seeing my smiles, hearing my adventures and reading my posts. I wasn't trying to hide it, though. I honestly did not have the vocabulary nor the understanding to know how to share any of it to anyone.
I just felt stuck.
So I went to see my family doctor and I simply asked - “Am I depressed?”
But in reality, what I wanted to scream out from deep inside of me, was
“What is wrong with me?”
“Why can't I be like everyone else?”
"I want to be thankful and happy, but I can't"
I started going to counselling sessions and they did help inmensely....eventually. But not at first. Actually, at first, I wondered why I was spending precious time and money talking with a stranger, and not getting any feedback or answers. She just wanted me to talk.
But as I entered the 3rd, 4th, and 5th session I began to see changes.
One of the big changes? Understanding how God has wired me. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with me - He has created me with all the ‘wires’ I need....but some of these wires needed His grace and my acknowledging some re-wiring was much needed
And the comfort and affirmation was loud and clear - Sandy, if God made you, He has made you with all the wires needed to live a free life in Him; but our sin has allowed Satan to disjoint some of these wires...LET GOD RE-WIRE YOU
But How? Where do we start?
The work has already started...the minute I said YES to Christ, all those years back; but this was a new chapter of my life. The kids are transitioning to adolescence and I was taking in a lot of the anxiety that comes from it (they aren’t talking as much any more; there is bullying; how do we talk to them about their emotional and physical changes; what is their worldview like now?; hormones; sin;
etc., etc., etc.). Because my ‘wirings’ are all tangled up and honestly, I had never seen my life from this perspective (I’ve always thought more about what I had and didn’t have and what I needed to replace), I needed to first of all, to get a few lessons on how God had wired us.
etc., etc., etc.). Because my ‘wirings’ are all tangled up and honestly, I had never seen my life from this perspective (I’ve always thought more about what I had and didn’t have and what I needed to replace), I needed to first of all, to get a few lessons on how God had wired us.
Are you ready to learn, Sandy?
Yes, I am.
And I could hear His promise: “Then He will teach me, and I shall See and Learn”
"Whoever heeds discipline shows the way to life but whoever ignores correction leads others astray" Proverbs 10
"Whoever heeds discipline shows the way to life but whoever ignores correction leads others astray" Proverbs 10
I began my counselling sessions wanting answers; and I realize now that I wanted them fast - I wanted the therapist to just give them to me. And to my frustration, she never did. For every question I had, she would through another question back to me. Seriously? I thought. I am being charged per hour for me to just talk?
"Still too proud - too hurried" - the voice would whispered back. "Let me do the leading...you FOLLOW"
And on the 4th or 5th session it happened. No miracle. Just that I understood it. We were talking about how we are WIRED to feel, to act and to think. I feel a lot and I act as a response, or vice versa. No problems there. But when the therapist asked me what I THOUGHT about a particular topic/problem/anxiety/struggle where I felt and acted on, I literally paused, thought, and said
“Aren’t you asking me the same thing?” “Didn’t I just answer you when I told you how I feel?”
“Are they really the same?” Is all she said.
Uncomfortable silence.
Challenging silence.
Clearing silence.
And then I got it. I understood. I could see; all of a sudden, that I had been letting my feeling dictate a lot (nothing wrong with feeling), thinking that the feeling was a thought too.
That was a breakthrough for me...and then we explored the word COURAGE, and then PRIDE and then much much more.
And with each identification of a WIRE I worked on it during the week. Lifting that WIRE to the LORD. Thanking Him for creating the wire, asking Him to show me how I had been using that Wire, asking Him to forgive me for misusing the wire and pleading Him to RE-WIRE it in a way that would be according to His way, His wish, His glory.
It doesn’t happen overnight - It is hard work; team work, the letting go and the letting in. And a constant CONVERSATION with God...to be PRESENT, to WANT TO see the mis-wires, to WANT TO become re-wired, and to be OK when I missed the mark, because it God was looking at my heart, not my results
Circumstances have not changed. But while my kids finished a semester in school, I’m keenly aware of my many lessons in my own class this term. I get it now whereas back in August everything was confusing. I feel freer now whereas back then I felt tied up, unable to escape from ‘inevitabilities’.
And yet, as I reflected back, part of my mind did tricks on me. Was I really that miserable back in August? Maybe I wasn’t that bad.
And then I remember. I remember the day I met with an old friend at a coffee shop, desperate, helpless, tears flowing non-stop.
I remember the visit to the doctor's office
I remember my uncomfortable conversation with my husband and my defensiveness and confusion
Oh, but I know if I don't MARK this too...I will forget.
I thank God. I give HIM honor. I am grateful for a year full of challenges because through it, He gave me a chance to dig deeper still, to unravel hidden places, and He healed. He gave me opportunities to work WITH HIM on me; to give myself more and more of me to Him; and to see Him transform me even more. He prepares me further to guide my kids, to cultivate and nurture my love to my husband and ultimately, as Paul prayed:
"For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[a]in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
"Still too proud - too hurried" - the voice would whispered back. "Let me do the leading...you FOLLOW"
And on the 4th or 5th session it happened. No miracle. Just that I understood it. We were talking about how we are WIRED to feel, to act and to think. I feel a lot and I act as a response, or vice versa. No problems there. But when the therapist asked me what I THOUGHT about a particular topic/problem/anxiety/struggle where I felt and acted on, I literally paused, thought, and said
“Aren’t you asking me the same thing?” “Didn’t I just answer you when I told you how I feel?”
“Are they really the same?” Is all she said.
S-i-l-e-n-c-e.
Uncomfortable silence.
Challenging silence.
Clearing silence.
And then I got it. I understood. I could see; all of a sudden, that I had been letting my feeling dictate a lot (nothing wrong with feeling), thinking that the feeling was a thought too.
That was a breakthrough for me...and then we explored the word COURAGE, and then PRIDE and then much much more.
And with each identification of a WIRE I worked on it during the week. Lifting that WIRE to the LORD. Thanking Him for creating the wire, asking Him to show me how I had been using that Wire, asking Him to forgive me for misusing the wire and pleading Him to RE-WIRE it in a way that would be according to His way, His wish, His glory.
It doesn’t happen overnight - It is hard work; team work, the letting go and the letting in. And a constant CONVERSATION with God...to be PRESENT, to WANT TO see the mis-wires, to WANT TO become re-wired, and to be OK when I missed the mark, because it God was looking at my heart, not my results
Circumstances have not changed. But while my kids finished a semester in school, I’m keenly aware of my many lessons in my own class this term. I get it now whereas back in August everything was confusing. I feel freer now whereas back then I felt tied up, unable to escape from ‘inevitabilities’.
And yet, as I reflected back, part of my mind did tricks on me. Was I really that miserable back in August? Maybe I wasn’t that bad.
And then I remember. I remember the day I met with an old friend at a coffee shop, desperate, helpless, tears flowing non-stop.
I remember the visit to the doctor's office
I remember my uncomfortable conversation with my husband and my defensiveness and confusion
Oh, but I know if I don't MARK this too...I will forget.
I thank God. I give HIM honor. I am grateful for a year full of challenges because through it, He gave me a chance to dig deeper still, to unravel hidden places, and He healed. He gave me opportunities to work WITH HIM on me; to give myself more and more of me to Him; and to see Him transform me even more. He prepares me further to guide my kids, to cultivate and nurture my love to my husband and ultimately, as Paul prayed:
"For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[a]in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Ephesians 3:14-21
I am still being re-wired; but I have tasted and seen how good God is in this part of my being too and I shall never forget, even when my heart and mind fails me and drifts back to old wirings. I have known pain and disappointment, helplessness and hopelessness, but He never left me alone and as I reached and let go, He comforted, healed the pain, replaced disappointment with truth, became my help and hope and transformed me (and continues to do so) day by day.
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