So this is love too...

Our family is going through a rough time.  A cloudy and stormy season.  The oceans are rising.  The sky is dark....

My father in law suddenly passed away a week ago.  We are still in shock.  It is still surreal.

Unlike my brother's passing or any other family members' passing, where illness and cancer was the culprit, we had no warnings for this.

And unlike all other experiences, I am a mother of 2 young kids now...old enough to understand and feel the pain of loss.

So, how do you guide children through what amounts to another reality in life:  death?

You pray a lot.  You take courage knowing God is guiding you.  You accept you will take missteps but that God will help.  And you face death with them....

Seeing how two different kids responded to the sad news was interesting.  One cried, hugged, talked.  The other did not want to talk, and ignored it - she 'moved on'

Only that I know you can never really move on without grieving.  You can never really move on without feeling guilt and remorse.

There is nothing wrong with needing space and time...but having gone through this type of pain before, and trusting God was my guide, I know I had to be more intentional and open up dialogue in both of them.

So after a few days we have an intentional chat.  Tears were let out.  Words came out of mouths.  Questions abounded.

It was painful.  It was hard to hear it all...but it was also so beautiful.

I reminded the kids of something I learned when Andy passed away.

That pain you are feeling right now...that pain you can't really explain.  That sting and that sense of guilt for not remembering more, the guilt for smiling and laughing and continuing to live, the sadness over the realization you won't see grandpa until we go to heaven....all of these are footprints and marks left by LOVE.

Love isn't always neat and fuzzy.  Love doesn't always come packaged with smiles and coziness.  Sometimes, it comes with pain, with tears and with even confusion.

I never thought I would categorized my relationship with my father in law with the word "love"...but fact is, that sting I'm trying to guide the kids through is also a sting I'm feeling...and it reminds me that me too...unbeknownst to me, loved him.

In the days and months ahead there will be many more lessons.  Many more memories and moments of reflection...about life, about death, and everything in between.  But I am comforted today to know that the kids and I are learning what love really is and embracing it all with courage from ABOVE.

Don't wish for the storm to be gone, but pray that God gives you strength to know what to do, what to say, how to live and how to response in the midst of the storm.  Don't try to ignore pain, but be courageous to face it, feel it, talk about it and even question it.

Yes, I am fully confident we will not only get through this, but that we will learn, become better human beings and have more empathy for others.

But I am also fully confident that it will sting and hurt and it will be tough



And I find myself saying - "I'm not ok either...I'm ok with BOTH"