Back to School Jitters
I remember the first day I was dropped off for Grade 1. I hated the day. I hated the school. I felt alone and wanted to just go home. I didn't know the language, the people or the school. The days felt like months.
I remember the first day I was dropped off for Grade 10 in Canada. I didn't hate it, but I was so shocked. I was lonely. I was sad. I didn't know the language (again!), the people or the school. And above all, I was so scared of the unknown ahead of me. What I felt, I remember now, was real fear of the unknown. I remember waving good-bye to the family that had cared for me during the summer as they left town. It was all surreal. I saw the van vanished in the horizon from my dorm window....and then...silence.
And then again, I remember the first day I went to university. No one dropped me off, and that in itself was reason for me to wish to cry. No one dropped me off because I had no one in the city. No one to say good-bye to. I took the bus, and got to campus. And in the midst of the crowd, I felt alone, so alone it was unbearable. I was 18 and yet I couldn't stop the tears from flooding my face. And I still remember taking the decision to call mom collect and apologized profusely for wasting their money on the call. I remember hearing her voice cracking on the other side of the line and trying to encourage me to be courageous. That everything will work out but it will sting for now.
And yet again (you can guess by now) I remember the first day I went to the welcome party at the college where I got my master's degree. After all these years you'd think I had learned. But some things of the heart cannot be mended sometimes. All you can do is ride it out and hope that the days will only feel like months but not the months like years. You know, because you've gone through it many times now. You don't like the feeling, but you and this feeling are acquaintances by now.
I remember my then boyfriend (and now husband) saying good-bye to me. He couldn't go to the welcome party with me because he had to return to the city where he was living. I remembered crying. Crying very hard. Scared.
I've been in school for over 20 years but when it came to back-to-school jitters, I don't think I ever got over them. Same fears. Same loneliness. Same unknowns.
But in all of them, eventually, the fears were replaced by laughter. The loneliness by friendship. And the unknowns by knowns.
And so I find myself now reflecting on this as I prepare my kids to go back to school. One is eager to go while I, as his mother, worries. And the other is worried about going while I, as her mother, thinks she will be completely fine.
How strange. How odd. How interesting.
Tomorrow they start a new year. And tomorrow I start a new year WITH THEM.
I am the one dropping off now. But the same feelings are still there. And it shouldn't surprise me if they have jitters tonight, tomorrow or the days to come.
And it shouldn't surprise me if I also have jitters. Perspectives might have changed. Roles have changed. But back-to-school is back-to-school for me. In some ways, nothing has really changed.
There is nothing wrong with feeling sad/nervous about back to school season.
So...now it hits me. I should be telling myself the same thing.
Yes, I'm also excited to think of the freedom I'll gain, but the excitement doesn't negate the sadness.
Today, it's OK to mark the end of summer with a sad face. To acknowledge time is passing by and we are at the cusp of a new beginning for everyone.
Tonight, I'm giving myself permission to feel a little sad. A little worried. A little scared. Dare I say even a little lonely.
But years in life has taught me...tomorrow (or a few days after tomorrow) things will be easier.
It always does.
I remember the first day I was dropped off for Grade 10 in Canada. I didn't hate it, but I was so shocked. I was lonely. I was sad. I didn't know the language (again!), the people or the school. And above all, I was so scared of the unknown ahead of me. What I felt, I remember now, was real fear of the unknown. I remember waving good-bye to the family that had cared for me during the summer as they left town. It was all surreal. I saw the van vanished in the horizon from my dorm window....and then...silence.
And then again, I remember the first day I went to university. No one dropped me off, and that in itself was reason for me to wish to cry. No one dropped me off because I had no one in the city. No one to say good-bye to. I took the bus, and got to campus. And in the midst of the crowd, I felt alone, so alone it was unbearable. I was 18 and yet I couldn't stop the tears from flooding my face. And I still remember taking the decision to call mom collect and apologized profusely for wasting their money on the call. I remember hearing her voice cracking on the other side of the line and trying to encourage me to be courageous. That everything will work out but it will sting for now.
And yet again (you can guess by now) I remember the first day I went to the welcome party at the college where I got my master's degree. After all these years you'd think I had learned. But some things of the heart cannot be mended sometimes. All you can do is ride it out and hope that the days will only feel like months but not the months like years. You know, because you've gone through it many times now. You don't like the feeling, but you and this feeling are acquaintances by now.
I remember my then boyfriend (and now husband) saying good-bye to me. He couldn't go to the welcome party with me because he had to return to the city where he was living. I remembered crying. Crying very hard. Scared.
I've been in school for over 20 years but when it came to back-to-school jitters, I don't think I ever got over them. Same fears. Same loneliness. Same unknowns.
But in all of them, eventually, the fears were replaced by laughter. The loneliness by friendship. And the unknowns by knowns.
And so I find myself now reflecting on this as I prepare my kids to go back to school. One is eager to go while I, as his mother, worries. And the other is worried about going while I, as her mother, thinks she will be completely fine.
How strange. How odd. How interesting.
Tomorrow they start a new year. And tomorrow I start a new year WITH THEM.
I am the one dropping off now. But the same feelings are still there. And it shouldn't surprise me if they have jitters tonight, tomorrow or the days to come.
And it shouldn't surprise me if I also have jitters. Perspectives might have changed. Roles have changed. But back-to-school is back-to-school for me. In some ways, nothing has really changed.
There is nothing wrong with feeling sad/nervous about back to school season.
So...now it hits me. I should be telling myself the same thing.
Yes, I'm also excited to think of the freedom I'll gain, but the excitement doesn't negate the sadness.
Today, it's OK to mark the end of summer with a sad face. To acknowledge time is passing by and we are at the cusp of a new beginning for everyone.
Tonight, I'm giving myself permission to feel a little sad. A little worried. A little scared. Dare I say even a little lonely.
But years in life has taught me...tomorrow (or a few days after tomorrow) things will be easier.
It always does.
 |
| The day before first day of school |
Comments