The Debate over Sex-Education
“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”: FDR’s First Inaugural Address
UPDATE: Since I posted this many have asked me to share some of the material I have found - Scroll down to end to find some links. Thanks!
"What do you mean?" I responded, scared of the next question coming my way
"You know, I know they are in your belly, but HOW exactly do they come out?
.... I'm speechless and I fire a quick look at my husband. For once, we share telepathy and the message was clear "You answer it"
the kid continues...."you know, babies are big, they are too big to come out from the belly button"
after many back and forth glances, I send the kid to his dad
"Just trust me. We will tell you when you are ready" - was all we both could muttered.
A few years later...
"Mom, how do babies come out again?"
"Oh no! here we go again! And my husband isn't here!" I thought to myself. I take a deep breath and uttered the unthinkable. I told them exactly how babies get to come out.
"Ok, do you want to play in the snow with us?"
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I've been pondering on the issue of sex-education for, well, a couple of years now. I never had sex-ed in school so I was completely caught off guard when a few years ago I found myself amongst some Christian moms discussing and praying over proposals by the government to 'add' debatable content into the schools' sex-education curriculum.
I had no idea what to think of it. I had no opinion...because, let's be honest, I had never thought of it.
But listening to that discussion led to many subsequent exposures to the subject matter that caused me to research more. The honest truth was that I found myself ignorant on the topic. As the days, months and years progressed, I learned more and that education led to another thing -- I felt challenged to come up with an opinion about it.
Fast forward a few years and now we are in the midst of a heated debate. I get well-meaning emails forwarded by friends and family, urging me to speak up against the current government's new Health and Physical Education Curriculum. Please note: it is not a 240 page document on sex. They tell me that the government has an agenda. That our kids are being robbed of their innocence and that parents need to speak up to stop this from happening.
On the other side, amongst my circle of friends, I also find a few quiet souls willing to bravely challenge the first group.
Disclaimer: Though I have not read through the entire document, I have skimmed through both the 'old' and the 'new' curriculum. So by no means am I sharing 100% accurate detailed information. This is, in my humble opinion, a journey I am on with my kids. So please, do not continue to read if you are just looking for a summary on contents of the curriculum.
Context and the Big Picture
I cringe every time I hear or read posts about the "sex-ed curriculum". If you are careful, you will note that the curriculum is actually about Health and Physical Education.
Pause for a second and think about it without the clouded fear of 'sex'. If I just asked you, "should the schools teach our children what is health and why it's important in people's lives?" How would you respond? I for one would say 'of course!"
Is learning about our bodies part of learning about health? Is learning about puberty part of it? Is learning about relationships (romantic or not) part of it?
If you say no, then see my comments about my challenges about sex-education in the home.
If you say yes to some, keep on reading :D
When my kids were growing up I had to teach them the right grown up words for different things. Why should naming your body parts as they are laid out in the dictionary be tantamount to robbing my kids of their innocence? let's be careful not to equate innocence with ignorance!
I happen to disagree that sexual orientations are innate (though, I humbly admit, that is another topic I'm still learning and mulling over) but regardless of my beliefs I believe everyone deserves the same respect and love. Everyone, in simple terms, are born equal and should be treated equally.
I want my kids to know that, and to embrace that.
And in order to achieve that goal, they need to learn that it is HEALTHY to accept everyone even if we disagree with aspects in their lives.
And before you jump the gun. I don't agree with some details I find in the curriculum, but I feel, in the context of a HEALTH curriculum and a 250 page document, these things are not reason enough to choose to stick with an outdated curriculum instead. (Keep reading, I will address this later)
Sex Education is here to stay...and rightly so
The old curriculum is just plain too old. The world has changed since 1998. I had just graduated from university in 1998! There was no texting, online gaming, no chat rooms, no social media, no hashtags, no selfies, no Siri to come to your aid if you wanted to find out this or that.
Children need to know about sex education. And to suggest that canning the new curriculum in favour to keeping the old one, just doesn't seem the right approach...or a realistic one. Unless we fight to see changes made (instead of stopping the curriculum altogether) we might be suggesting something worse.
And the fact is, I have taught my kids about strangers...but I have not talked to them about strangers online. I have talked to them about what is appropriate language to use when talking with people face to face, but I have not talked much about chatting on Facebook or posting things. Cyberbullying, Sexting, and many other topics were never covered in the old curriculum.
Our kids are growing in a different world....and the same world
Yes, the world is different, but if I'm honest, we knew a lot more than our parents knew at our age too. I knew of friends who were 'dating' in elementary school. I was exposed to things I perhaps should not have seen in mass media, in billboards, on newspaper stands and through friends that I probably shouldn't have (at least not before a trusted adult like a teacher, or my own parents had a chance to tell me about).
Has the world really changed that much? In some ways, one may argue...no. I'm sure my parents, when talking with their friends about me when I was a child, would have commented that my generation is not that innocent any more (compared to theirs). So, why do we suggest our kids might be more innocent than us when we were growing up? Should it not surprise us if we find them less innocent?
If I can go back in time, even in my no-Internet-Facebook-Online chat etc etc world, I would wish I had heard some of this information in this curriculum before I found things out in the confusing world (and I'm not talking about just sex, because this curriculum covers more than just sex)
Be careful about what you read or hear
The first time I heard about the 'scary changes' in curriculum years ago, I remember leaving that conversation full of FEAR. I was shocked, fearful, feeling completely lost and inadequate.
Since then I have noticed that I need to take information carefully. Summaries are great but they are written by someone about the source. If I really want to develop an educated opinion, I must go to the source. I cannot slack off because I'm too busy. If I really cared, I would have to put the time to read, to meet with principals and teachers and to engage in dialogue.
Do I want it to be FEAR the emotion that propels me to respond (in either way)???
We need to take a proactive approach to dialogue (not just with your child, more on that later) but with the school. You see, I think we fail to remember, this curriculum is being mandated at the ministry level, but it is the principal and the teachers who will actually deliver it. And even in the curriculum itself it states that principals and teachers should develop lessons using the curriculum as a guide; they need to keep in mind the students and even community at large when developing the delivery.
Talk to the principal. Talk to the PE teacher. Find out where they stand (you might be surprised) and find out what the school policies are for opting out. I met with our kids' principal long time ago. I wanted to just learn how Sex Ed was taught at the time (with the old curriculum). I asked her to tell me what they do now, what they teach, how it's taught and where it's taught. I shared with her my beliefs and what I want the school to remember (I am the parent) and she not only showed me the material, but also sample letters sent to parents for all the Grades. I left the meeting feeling much more informed. I encourage you to do the same
I have to wonder if parents who are opposed to the new one might be opposed also with the old one? There is stuff being taught now that are similar to the things people opposing the current one are fighting against. In our school, all parents will get notices and we can all sign to opt our kids out of these. And for all the rumble about this sex-ed curriculum, as far as I know, the kids only talk about these issues explicitly in a class or a week of classes for the upper grades in elementary school.
Teachers' roles and concerns
What I hear a lot less in the media and amongst social media and conversations is what I feel might be a big vacuum in the current discussion. How are teachers taking all this? What kind of training will teachers get to help them teach this material? Do they feel comfortable delivering some of these contentious topics?
But ultimately, as a teacher myself, I am reminded of a simple fact. A curriculum is simply a guide. The teacher's job is to turn those wanted outcomes into lessons that will be relevant for his/her students. One could even argue that some of the contentious points (e.g. how many sexes are there really?) might not even make it into the actual lessons kids will hear from their teachers.
What is our relationship with our kids' teachers today? Do they know us? Do we know them? Do we have a feel about what they might feel about this curriculum? Do we trust that they will take into account our child and our beliefs when he/she teaches this material? Or do we feel teachers will force the material on them and teach our kids to ignore their parents' advice?
To me, ultimately, I would want to know more from teachers. Unfortunately, we are too obsessed with this curriculum (and specifically, what amounts to just a few pages out of the booklet) and we are forgetting the actual people who will be responsible for the delivery of the content.
The issues with parents: do we know how to educate about sex?
If there is a silver lining to all this, it is this: this has caused me to learn more about sex, sexual orientation, health and such. Just as I took the time to learn about the food groups chart by Health Canada, I need to learn how the schools define relationships, parenting, and health. If I don't find out first, and educate myself, how could I possibly come to an educated opinion about it? If I say sex education should be left to the parent only, do I, a parent, know how to teach it?
Honestly, the search to learn was a humble journey. I realized I had much to learn (and still do) and especially when it comes to sex-education in the home. I never grew up with a model on how to do it in a healthy way, so what do I know? What is sex-education in the house? What does it look like? What do those conversations sound like? What books are there to help us? Who can we go to ask for suggestions?
Sex education is not about just a sit down talk. It's not a "we did it, phew, let's move on" thing.
As I looked for Christian material on Sex-Education I found a series of books. And I tell you, a simple Christian kids book that explained where babies come from in the most amazingly sweet way was still hard for me to read over. I felt 'weird' even reading it, let alone thinking of reading it to my child. I wondered if they would ask me questions I couldn't answer.
I FEARED
And that is one of the main problems in this debate personally and as a society at large: fear...and ignorance
I found it interesting that amongst all the links I have read summarizing the curriculum, neither side has shed any light into the fact that part of educating children, is to educate the parents too. If we truly believe that educating children is a partnership between community partners, the school and the parents, then, what is being done to help parents?
Well, I found this link to the government's site and found it interesting to read all the links to parents. I am not here to debate if the information is right or wrong. My point? Whether I want this new curriculum to disappear or not, parents need new tools for this new age.
That is what I would be more interested in doing instead of all this contentious debate
This is not an issue that will 'go away'. It went 'away' in 2010, remember? And after that, parents just seemed to have had forgotten the issues. I doubt we engaged our kids in discussions any more or less after that. It was forgotten. What was today became the past. We buried it.
Whether I like 100% of the current curriculum or not, I find dialogue, not fight more important. I wonder, if I really put the time and effort into finding out what my kids are learning about where humans come from, or whether we are animals or beings created after God's image, or what books they are reading, or what they are hearing and learning and discussing during Easter, Christmas, Diwali, Chinese New Year or Kwanza...I wonder, would I be 'shocked' too?
I might be.
These things will come and go. I remember Evolution used to be as contentious as Sex Ed is today. The important thing isn't the Fight to win or lose. It is the journey...with our family. Whether we 'win' or 'lose'...we need to stay put, to stay connected, with our kids and with the people they spend most of their waking hours every day: the school
And that, my friends, seems to be a much more worthwhile fight to fight for than this.
One final thing: THANK YOU to all the parents, pastors, educators, friends and people who listened to my questions and took the time to wrestle the issues and share your perspectives with me! You played a big part in my ongoing journey!
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Here are some especially revealing articles and information. There is A LOT out there, so this is not an exhaustive list. I hope it helps in your search for your stance, to be able to articulate your reasonings, and to figure out how to IMPACT the Kids (not just your own children) in your lives.
The document that is stirring all this: The 2015 Ontario Health and Physical Education Curriculum
A Christian Parent's Guide
The Government's Parent Guide to the New Curriculum
The Government's Parent Guide to Sexual Health Grades 1-6 (there is another one for the upper grades)
Another Christian View on this
5 myths about the curriculum, the Huffington Post
Government's Quick Facts sheet for Parents
Sample Letters for Pastors - I agree with the need of religious leader to take a stance in this matter, but I disagree in the wording of this letter. Letters like these is what prompts me to write so extensively here. We should direct people to dialogue and to go to the facts, not to some else's presentation of what is actually in the curriculum See this Petition to ban the curriculum as another of the hundreds out there. My issue is not the petition (the Charter gives us all the right to voice our points of view and move government to respond accordingly) but the language it uses to misdirect parents who may not have read anything else
Are we building healthy Schools? - From People for Education
How to Start talking about Sex at home - Focus on the Family
Resource I got for myself and my Kids A Christian Resource for the Home - Learning about Sex Series - there are many books in the series, for each gender and each age group and a book for parents as well. I recommend it.
People for Education - Tip sheet
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