WHEN THE WIND BLOWS
When the wind blows, you either go against it or with it.
Sometimes, the wind doesn't really blow that hard, and I can ignore it, or choose to pause from life to just feel it.
How I respond, however, doesn't frazzled Mr. Wind...He will just continue to blow....and move...and dance
My life's 'winds' have been blowing (I guess they always have, but I have taken noticed lately)...and I have decided to
fly with it
This "live it out loud mama" is 'back to work'....the kind of work that pays money and sees you going outside the house every day for a certain amount of time.
And it has been so challenging!
It's been an interesting ride. And this week I had a chance to pause and reflect on all that has happened in the last year.
It all started last year, as the kids began their journey into elementary school. The question in front of me was rather interesting:
What are you going to do with all that free time while the kids are in school?
Before you start screaming, I know, I know. Staying at home doesn't really mean free time. I know, because I've lived that life for the past 8 years. So don't fret. I get it.
But I also am aware that it is a fact that I will have freedom to decide what I want to do while the kids are in school.
I know I'm not the only one who has asked this question before. But I found it rather interesting. For one, it is a first world, privileged-type of question, is it not?
I had the LUXURY of even asking that question!
But I will not be speaking truth if I didn't tell you a second question was also considered:
Would I be able to find a job if I looked for one?
And....and a third STATEMENT crossed my mind:
It would be nice to have extra cash poured into the household so that we can be more comfortable
Wow...loaded questions and statements, right?
I won't get into an elaborate presentation of each of these questions here, but I can tell you, the questions and statements were very troubling for me at the time. I've blogged about this before:
I DO NOT LIKE CHANGE.
I do not usually welcome them unless the change is for the better - the trouble, though, is that most of the time we have no real control over the outcomes of change, and cautious and naturally pessimistic people like me tend to run away from unknowns.
And yet, my faith and relationship with my Father calls me into living by faith, and living choosing change, when He leads because choosing change requires me to LET GO.
And so, I knew it, the Spirit in me reinforced it, the winds of change had begun to blow.
It was time to Explore options
But I wrestled in my heart: I don't need to proof to anyone that I am worth something. I don't need to tell the world that I am not just sitting at home while the kids are at school. I am capable of finding a job. I am not a hoarder for luxuries.
Am I? Do I crave all this?
Maybe at some level, if I am brutally honest, I did and still do. I know I shouldn't but every night as I go to bed, I do wonder...
The point? The winds were blowing and I had a choice...glide outside and explore change with God or stay put and always be left with just wonder
So, I decided to do the former. I was going to glide out of my comfort and see where God would take me.
But I had no idea back then the type of adventure He was about to take me onto!
THE MOCKING RESUME
So I started looking for a job. But...what job? Where do I look? It's been so long (almost 10 years) since I last held a paying full time job....
"Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start..."
Is it??? It didn't feel GOOD
But it felt NECESSARY....
So, I dug out my last resume...and boy did I get depressed!
The resume seemed to stare and laugh straight at me every time I tried to 'update' it. With what? "expert in diaper changing"? "able to multitask"?
I know I know...I know I do a lot more than that...you don't need to preach to the choir here...
Still....the RESUME seemed to highlight all my inhibitions
and yet, it was NECESSARY to cross this path in order to get to the NEXT STEP
THE INTERVIEW
Nothing really happened for the longest time and deep inside me there was a sigh of relieve, almost. It was frightening the prospect of having to be interviewed...and then one day, out of the blue...a call.
I was at Costco, in my sweats, in the middle of the day, when I got 'the call'. It was one of the school boards whom I had applied to for 2 positions. I was so frazzled and surprised I didn't know what to say or ask. I simply nodded yes to everything and wrote down the day and time I was supposed to show up.
And then, the fear followed. What if I do get the job? What would happen to my kids? Who would drop off or pick up? And....what was I going to wear!!!!!????
Truth be told...my closet's clothes had changed dramatically, exponentially, parallel to the way my body has changed.
IT WAS DEPRESSING opening my wardrobe!!!! And I was letting it play into my inhibitions again!
But a still voice...kept saying...take a chance...follow the wind. It might not be what you expect...but do you trust me to take you where you need to go?
I was so SCARED going, during and after the interview...but I was also feeling a sense of PEACE..a strange sense of reassurance that everything will work out.
And so, I gathered enough courage to put on pants and blouse and put on the only black jacket that still fit....oh, and yes, I gathered enough courage to also do the interview....
God was there at the interview. I know it. Because I completely bombed the interview!!!
"Maybe I'm not ready" ~ was all I could hear inside me.
"Maybe it's meant to be this way...ride with the wind" ~ was all I could hear from Him
And once I DECIDED to RIDE ... there was freedom....I let go, I let Him lead the ride...and I laugh...
THE SILENCE BEFORE THE STORM
I swung from feeling confident that I was under God's will, to feeling completely like a loser, who was no longer 'relevant' in the job market. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. Some days were better than others. Some days I lived life like any other day. Other days? Not feeling so great about myself....
And yet, even there, I felt the WIND blow...
Can one feel the wind if it is not blowing?
I suppose there is a way, because I felt it being still during this time. And once I set aside all those inhibitions, fears and doubts, it was actually quite enjoyable to live IN the midst of this quietness...
"Brain Issues"
And then...BOOM!
All of a sudden, I get a call from a possible job offer. And what came next was 2 very intense weekends of training followed by exams to gain certification.
It stretched me beyond belief. The training was tough, hard, challenging....but it was so rewarding, healthy, needed and helpful. It was both a confidence builder and a confidence quencher. I felt exhausted at the end of every session. I felt like my brain had not been used in 10 years. I felt out of place. I found myself struggling to keep up.
And yet, in hindsight...God knew I needed this.
I needed to be reminded that I still 'had what it takes'. I needed to hear that I was 'chosen' amongst thousands. But I also needed to know this would not be easy. That it would take more out of me. That it would require family adjustments. That I would need to face my fears, fears and the lies I still let control me from time to time.
Hard to ride with the wind sometimes...Just because you don't have to figure out where to go next doesn't mean you can just sit and do nothing. And yet, while you struggle...you discover freedom and peace...Strange, Divine, Foreign Peace and Assurance.
THE WIND KEEPS BLOWING IN ALL DIRECTIONS
Just when I thought I had 'figured' out the direction of the wind, the Lord reminded me that the wind blows in different directions....why do I feel the urge to always restrict its movement???
The school board called in the midst of all of this, asking if, first, I would be interested in becoming a supply teacher. Of course I accepted!
But then, as the summer rolled in, they called again, this time asking if I would teach a class in the summer.
All of a sudden, I was faced with a new reality. It HIT ME hard. I mean, this was my goal, wasn't it? But when it really did happen, I felt so scared and frazzled.
And things didn't seem to be 'aligned' as much as I was hoping for. For once, I needed my parents to watch my kids in the summer....but they were on a 3 month trip overseas!!!
And yet...again, there was a quietness in the midst of the blowing wind....a still quietness...an awareness that
"it will all work out"
and a reminder to simply
"ride with the wind"
and...to
"hang on tight"
And then, before I even knew it...summer was over. And fall rolled in. And with it, new offers to teach. This time, every morning and 2 evenings a week.
TAKE ONLY WHAT YOU NEED WHEN YOU RIDE
So what about that other job I had trained so hard to get? My life and jobS had changed so much over a short period of time; now I was faced with a new 'problem'. Can I really handle everything? Can I do it? A new fear and lie began to seep in...Maybe I am just not cut out for all of this. Maybe I am not strong enough.
And yet, that quiet voice reassured me that I needed to only Ride WITH the wind, and then things will work out. As long as I was ever so conscious to
BE riding WITH the wind...and to be conscious of WHO was BLOWING the wind...
I was not the one doing the flying...I was RIDING ON IT.
And so, I new I was facing a new decision. Just when I was getting tired of all the changes...He had one more thing I needed to decide on.
I knew my calling was still to care and love and spend time with the family. We still wanted me to be at home some of the working hours during the week.
We knew also that working part time was the new direction.
But I also knew to be careful not to be 'sucked' into the lure of more money, more status...
And so after much much much prayer and wrestling....I quit my other job.
I LET GO.
It was tough. I doubted. I wondered if I was dumb for quitting on this great offer...but then again He reassured me. I looked back to all the events in my life...where did I ever not see His hand guiding me?
HANG ON
And yet, while I was learning to let go to make the journey lighter...I also learned to hang on. To ride ON. There were (and will be) so many moments when I wondered why I was doing this. Isn't it funny, in hindsight, staying at home seemed so much 'easier' and simpler now.
So I am learning to discern what to let go and what to hang on. And then, just Ride along.
Despite a bad day, a bad class (I am a teacher), a bad experience on the road, a bad day where I want to just stay home...
I hang on...
Because I know I am not doing the riding...I am, instead, riding ON the wind that is leading me on.
CONNECTING THE DOTS
I had to face all those fears and lies and inhibitions
I had to learn to laugh at myself during interviews
I had to remember what it feels like to use a certain part of your brain for school
I had to witness what the working force is like
I had to open my wardrobe
I had to question what we believed as a family and where our priorities lie
I had to transition slowly into the work force, literally
I had to re learn how to interact with coworkers
I had to re learn how to interact with students
I had to re learn driving during rush hour
I had to wrestle with scheduling doctors appointments, teachers meetings, work meetings, work, grocery shopping, helping with homework, and everything in between
I had to redefine me...once again, as the Wind Blower defines me.
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