Ayin Dalet? The year of opening doors
This intrigued me. My friend pointed out this is the year of "opening doors", of "seeing" and of "movement, into or out of something". And as I read a little more into this and learned (There is always something new to learn in this world!) I thought this summarizes well my 2013-2014 school year
2013 September: I began to wonder what to do with my 'free' time while the kids were in school. I began to reconsider going back to work (not unusual for moms who had stayed at home while the kids were infants)
Fear of the unknown
For as much as I had dreaded motherhood and staying at home with kids, this season also taught me that I had grown in the role over the last 8 years. The thought of going 'out into a new world' to work frightened and scared me.
Feeling sorry for myself
It has been 8 years since I have had a paid job - I didn't even know if things had changed. I had to asked my brother and cousins. I went back to my resume and was depressed for a few weeks. I know I had grown and have many skills to offer...but I also felt they were 'not appropriate' to be placed on the resume. The process was very depressing and I found myself feeling defeated and little at times.
Fear of failure
What if I failed? What if I apply for jobs and no one even asks for an interview? What if I start work and I failed as a mom? What if I am terrible at the new job?
Moving out takes Time
It took me about 3 months to really get any resume done. Nothing came out of the first few resumes I sent out in the Fall, but perhaps those were the months I just needed to gain "perspective and eyes" to see. I was "moving out" of a phase I was in. I needed the time. And though I didn't know it, God knew.
Experience new stress, new worlds
As the new year began I saw 2 new posts that were of interest to me. I never thought anything would come out of these though.
To my shock I received requests for interviews and all of a sudden I found myself stressed - facing this new world all of a sudden exhilarated me and yet stressed me.
One of the jobs required intense training and certification exams. I have to say this mama bear had not been using her academic brain for more than 8 years and going straight into something so intensive was so intimidating, so scary, so hard!!! I felt physically, emotionally and spiritually drained and fried at the end of each day of training! I didn't know how to handle the stress and began to question why God had opened so many doors at once.
New Affirmations, Confusion
Oddly enough, as I struggled, I met a few old friends from out of town. Both, almost out of the blue, reassured me that I had done the "right thing" when I decided to leave the workplace in order to stay at home with the kids. It was so odd I took noticed. God was saying something - but I was confused - why the open doors then Lord, if you just wanted me to stay home with the kids?
Learning the new meaning of OPEN DOORS
When I first got the offers I thought immediately: "Great, thank you God" - and didn't think much of them after all. As things began to roll and I began to feel a slew of emotions, faced an array of challenges, and tried to sort out scheduling issues, I began to ask GOD WHY and WHAT DO OPEN DOORS REALLY MEAN?
Yes, there was a MOVEMENT OF CHANGE in the air.
Yes, I knew it was a season of ADJUSTMENTS and NEW ADVENTURES.
but,
I felt a renewed conviction to be at home with the kids in meaningful ways
I wondered if the stress was 'worth the while'
It seemed 'crazy' that God would have opened SO MANY DOORS at once
What was God doing??? What was I supposed to do???
The Problem with Opening Doors
I had assumed when I see an open door one is called to just walk pass through them. Instead, God was showing me the Open Doors for a reason, and He wanted me to thoughtfully learn lessons as I take steps walking towards the doors. Just because the doors were open did not necessarily mean I had to walk through them. I realize God doesn't treat me like a puppy or robot - He doesn't just open the door and say "puppy, go!" He wanted to partner with me. He shows me the doors. He wants me to learn lessons as the doors open, as I see them, as I walk towards it and even as I walk through them and passed them.
That is where most of us miss. We assume open doors means just jump in and case closed.
Since this all began I have actually declined some positions (some of you might think I'm lucky but believe me it was hard!). For others, what I originally applied for did not come to fruity but something else came from the original contacts.
I passed my certification just this week and I'm still considering if I should take the job - WHY!? I've learned to use my brain when understanding why God opened doors this season.
This season has taught me to appreciate my time with the kids at home to a new level. I feel even more committed to spend quality time - be there 100% for the kids in mind, body and soul -
But also I have learned to BE a learner. To humble myself. I don't know it all. To be in a position of the one seeking, learning, absorbing (and making mistakes). To trust in God when winds of change are around. To know how to listen to God. To adjust home life with part time work. To be the one asking neighbours for favours (aka watching the kids).
As I step into this new world of being a stay at home mom, using some of my professional skills part time and continuing to live a missional life the best way I know day to day, I am encouraged.
I am glad for this Ayin Dalet year - A year of changes where I learned that God requires us to ACT when He opens doors. But ACTION does not mean mindless walk through the door He opens.
What doors have God opened lately in your life?
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