Fond Memories

I introduced "Gilmore Girls" to my kids as we continue to run out of things to watch and as Covid 19 continues to run its course in this world.

Watch the scene here 

In the last episode, Lorelai Gilmore, the protagonist, makes a huge mistake at her father's funeral.  She catches herself drunk, in the middle of a session where people were asked to share their fondest memories of Mr. Gilmore.  Caught off guard, she utters insensitive anecdotes of how absent her father was to her in her early years.  The relationship between Lorelai and Mrs Gilmore had always been strained, and unresolved, but this really triggered what it seemed to be the end.  What follows are attempts to salvage what little was left through therapy and other events, but all in vain.  In the end, Lorelai embards on a journey and though it doesn't turn out to be what she had imagined, she does reach a summit and at that point she calls her mom to tell her which memory she really has of her dad:  on her birthday, as a teen, she was dumped by her boyfriend, and she had ran off from school and was at the mall, feeling utterly alone.  All she could think of was she wanted a pretzel but she felt so pathetic that she didn't even have money to get one or anyone around her to get her one.

She then recounts to her mom, over the phone, that the stoic Mr Gilmore, Lorelai's dad, shows up and instead of yelling at her, or pushing her back to school, he just sat there, and let her cry.  And when she was done crying, next she saw was her dad holding a pretzel for her.  Then they would watch 2 movies before heading home.  Mom never found out and dad never spoke of it again.

End of scene

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This got me thinking.  What is the fondest memory I have of my father up to this point?  If I had to share only one memory, which one would I pick?  Would it be something that happened today or something that happened 30 years ago?  What summarizes him in an essence?

I can tell you so many fond memories of my dad.  I can also tell you so many things that did not turn out as I had expected, much like Lorelai, but above all, what jumps at me, in my mind, is the day I broke our television.

I was probably around 7 or 8 years old because we were no longer living with our aunt and uncle after immigrating and leaving our home country.  We were in our first apartment on Washington Street in downtown Lima.  I still remember the day clearly.  Mom and dad had shipped a few items from our home country, amongst them, a new television.  What I did not know at the time was that the television needed a huge transformer.  For some reason dad had placed the television in our bedroom (I think we were either cleaning or painting the living room) and had clearly told us not to touch the television.

Of course, like many different times, I chose to disobey.  I led the way for my brother and I was excited at the prospect of watching TV "in my room"!  I clicked the silver round ON button.  Nothing.  I clicked again and again.  I checked that it was plugged.  Nothing.

I must have been so paranoid that I actually have no recollection of what happened next.  Did dad find out on his own or did I tell him?  What I do know is this.  I remember clearly readying myself for a big time out, spanking and being yelled at.  I knew I had disobeyed.  I knew I deserved the worst punishment.  I knew that this TV was from home and it meant a lot more than just a television.

I remember getting ready for all of it as my dad entered the room.

But instead, dad didn't say anything.  I don't remember any yelling, questioning, or judgement.  I don't even remember seeing him angry.  He looked at the TV, tested things, and then proclaimed with authority: "it is burned."

What happened next is something I will remember for the rest of my life. He told me to get ready to go out.  He was taking me out to go shopping for parts for the tv.  We seldom went out, let alone with dad, and in this case, I absolutely did not deserve it.

I remember mom raising her voice (or maybe it was my imagination?) and saying something along the lines of "what? you are not punishing her but you are taking her instead?"

We went to a store.  I still remember the grey looking street.  I still remember dad speaking with the man to see if they may have parts he would need to fix the television.  I remember him getting a few parts.  He just took me along.  And if I am right, I remember him buying me a few soda crackers on the way.

And when we got home, he told me to help him.  So I helped and saw how much effort and time he needed to fix the television; and although I don't remember how much time lapsed, I remember celebrating WITH my dad, when the television turned back on!

I think I learned my lesson better this way.  He did not belittled me.  He did not even demand an explanation, as if the explanation would be enough to vindicate me.  

That day, I discovered grace and mercy.  

That was the first day I witnessed being freed from guilt with love and not revenge, punishment or even justice.

That day, I felt a warmth I had not experienced before...and perhaps sadly, not many times elsewhere.

So much was said in so few words.

There are so many other fond memories I have, but this one...this one stood out as I re-watch Lorelai share hers to her mom, and as they both figure out how to grieve.

My father is still here with me; and as I get older, I am learning to treasure every moment.  Dad was and will never be perfect, but oh, let me tell you.  My dad?  he forgives and loves...He may not say it poetically or like in the movies; he may not show it much in hugs and kisses.  Not hearing the words nor seeing the hugs and kisses does not equate to no love though.

I was and am always safe with dad. 

I love you, dad!