I don't know

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I don't know about you but I hear "I don't know" from my 5 and 3 year olds ALL THE TIME.  Sometimes I feel as if that is the only phrase they know how to utter perfectly.  Perfect pitch, tone and intonation, accompanied by perfect body language.  It often ends with a few drops of tears too.  They have mastered how to communicate "I don't know" perfectly and I have mastered how to not push further in order to avoid a meltdown.

My response to this phrase has always been frustration - I hate it when they answer my questions with "I don't know".  I want to know what my son's day at school was like, what his teachers said or didn't say today, what they learned in church on Sunday, what excited them during piano class, what surprised them during their time at a friend's home.  I want them to share their ups and downs with me.  I want to be part of their lives.

But they don't seem to be interested.

"How can you not know?" is often my question back to them. When they were younger I assumed they were simply too young to answer, but at 5, when my son can give a full description of what an 'angry bird' is, where they come from, what they like and dislike and why they are angry....how can they not 'know' what they did just a couple of hours ago???

I had tried to encourage them to share with me.  I had tried and tried but the ever common "I don't know" seemed to be here to stay...until a couple of weeks ago.

I was lying lazily in bed beside my son.  It was 'nap time' but as he is no longer napping, we just had a quiet moment together in his quiet bedroom.  And then I asked *again* one of those dreadful questions mommies must ask their kids all the time.  I knew I was most likely going to get the same answer as usual but that never stopped an eager mom from persisting.

"Sam, what is your favourite TV show?" - "I don't know" - (of course, why was I surprised at the answer!)

Deep breath....Sandy, try again....

"What do you like to watch Sam? You must like something" - "I don't know mom!"

(Oh oh...Sam is done chatting with me....meltdown and tears lurking....courage mama...try one more time!)

"Do you like Thomas?  Calliou?"  - "yes yes mom...I don't know ... there are too many!"

EUREKA!!!!!!  Something told me God was giving me a peek into what "I don't know" really meant in my kids' language...

As it turns out, I had missed all the cues my son had been giving to me to date.  He later on explained to me he had so many characters he liked he "did not know" which one to pick to answer my question!  That made a lot of sense to me (does it to you?) - it seemed so obvious now...My questions have been overwhelming him.  He wants to share with me, but he does not know how to pick one single answer.  Too many thoughts cross his mind so the easiest way to answer is to not pick anything and to simply say "I don't know".

Perhaps I need to start by asking closed end questions.  Be specific.  Be concise.  Don't focus on collecting information.

And above all...don't overreact...they might actually be wanting to share something with me.


Next time I hear "I don't know" I'll have to remember to listen more carefully.  Perhaps my son or daughter is trying to tell me something and I am forgetting to use my kids language, expecting instead for them to adjust to mine. 

........And by the way, how is that different from us adults saying "I'm ok" when we are really not?  Perhaps there is more in this lesson for me than what I'm seeing in the surface....???

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